When Does Polygamy Become Easy

When Does Polygamy Become EasyWhen does polygamy become easy? It’s a question that many women in polygamous marriages ask. Undoubtedly, they want it to happen quickly. It is so they won’t feel the heartache and discomfort that most women feel when they first become a part of such a marriage.

People tell women that once they do certain things, being in a polygamous marriage gets easier. Some will tell her to make herself busy doing thing that she likes to do. Get a job. Start an exercise regimen. Make herself pretty and sexy for her husband. They tell her not to think about her husband’s other wife. Others say that she should act as though all is okay, and then it will be. She should act as if she likes polygamy, and then she will. It’s easy to come up with all kinds of theories and opinions about what a wife should do to have an easier life.

All of the above sound good, and I’m sure some of them are all that and more for women. Taking care of ones body, health and  appearance are all good things. One may think that when a woman does those things, they will make her feel happy. The truth is that they won’t. Oh, those things may make her life better, but not for long.

So, if it’s not when she does the above, then when does polygamy become easy?

The truth is that Allah must give His permission for it to happen, as it is no other than Allah who makes things easy or difficult. He alone does it. Furthermore, He needs no help.

Allah lets us know in the Quran all that we must do to have comfort and ease in this life. I know I say the same thing often, but there is no way around it. If we don’t do as He says, then we will have agony, pain and suffering, with  some periods of relief. A wife must get down to the basics and learn Islam. She must give her whole self to Allah.

In the case of polygamy, a wife must not oppose Allah with her desires. Such a desire would be to want to live a monogamous life when Allah has made her marriage polygamous. She goes against Allah, as she does not like her life. It would mean that the wife has put what she wants before what Allah has commanded .

Allah says that those who are moved by desires have a “diseased heart”. We know that diseases cause discomfort and pain. So, what is the cure for a heart that has a disease? The cure for a diseased heart is the Quran.

When does polygamy become easy for a wife who is in that kind of marriage?

Allah determines at what point being in a polygamous marriage is easy for a wife and when it is not.  It’s because all things belong to Him. All things come from Allah. He has no partners. It takes putting ones whole reliance on Allah. Additionally, it’s important to know that if anyone uses another name along with Allah’s in the same breath, it is wrong.

In order for a wife to have the ease and comfort that she wants to have so badly, she must structure her life around the Quran. She has to stop looking at her husband, his other wife or the children. Those things won’t give her peace of mind and contentment. If anything, they will cause her more problems.

To answer the question: when does polygamy become easy for a woman whose husband is a polygamous man, it’s when she accepts that Allah causes us to act. Whatever she does or her husband does or the husband’s other wives do, Allah decreed it. Only He has Power.

Learn what Allah expects of us and commands of us, and do it. Then the ease and comfort will come. He says that when His believing servants surrender to Him, cave into Him, He will dispose of their affairs towards comfort and ease. So, there we have it.

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When Does Polygamy Become Easy

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19 Comments

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2018

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You’re worrying about your husband and worrying never does any good. Allah lets us know that no one can bear the burden of another. Whatever your husband is going through is on him. You can’t lighten his load or make anything better for him. You don’t have the power.

    It’s nice that your husband is charitable, but there is a lot more to Islam than that. Maybe it’s one thing that comes easy for him. Only Allah can protect your husband from being taken advantage of. Allah protects the believers; your husband needs to make sure that he is one.

    I suggest you re-read Mari2’s post that she wrote to you

  • Saira

    February 1, 2018

    Salam to All
    I don’t even know what to tell and what to ask you all
    Only want to say u wish my husband knew how I was feeling for him as a humen being
    How I cried in prayer for him for always looking after every one and how every one take advantage of him
    He is that kind of person he give sadka charity all the time and help any one they ask him
    I can never tell him how he made me feel when he gets stress out and fight with me
    How he was doing so much help charity when he was not balancing finiace with me and I did not complain but I feel proud inside that he is helping Allahs creature
    What I been making dua is to Allah to make us apart if it’s best for us
    It was not for my sake but to give him peace of because of me he was in agony
    I wish one day in life he sees how he was so unhappy and we found each other and how happy we was but he was loving the attention when he fight with me and he gets so much attention from his mother and all family
    All these things I won’t say to him or any one
    All of you sister keep my prayers

  • Serena

    January 31, 2018

    Saira

    What you should have understood from my post is it’s best to stay away from in laws. Also forget about trying to fit in and trying to make them accept you.

    I not quite sure how my reply stopped you from the letter as you never mentioned it before.

    I think your in laws are probably well aware of Islamic laws regarding inheritance. They probably know islamically your son can’t inherit from your husband or their family inheritance as he is not his real son.

    I do hope Allah makes you stronger as a person. You are on the right track as whats best for kids interest should be a priority.

    I know about importance of maintaining family ties but explain to your husband you can’t be going to his mum’s. Just say you want to avoid the drama.

    Also if you are adamant on confronting your mum in law it would be better if your husband went with you to show support and so his family gets the message that he is by your side no matter what they think.

  • Mari2

    January 30, 2018

    Saira,
    Your in laws are who they are. Why bother to tell them how they are abusing you? They are well aware of how. Stop poking the bee’s nest with a stick. Just go away and stay away. Don’t call them. Don’t visit them. Just do your own thing. If your husband requests you to visit his mom/family etc, just nicely decline.

  • Saira

    January 30, 2018

    Many thanks sister sareana and sister mari 2
    Sister sareana you saved me I was about to get letter written saying my son won’t be part of any of their family inherit property and they should not worry
    I don’t think from your post that it’s good idea to do that .
    I do not keep much contact with them and mostaly I just call and ask Salam and stuff
    But my husband always ask me I don’t contact them much and even now he requested me to speak to his mother
    To be honest I won’t do that if only he says
    But I left other day as she was abusing me a lot and I didn’t want to fight and I left to cool things
    I will just go because my husband is not here and I have good chance to sit and talk
    This is the first time I manage to make my self strong and face all accusation from day one we marriage
    As you all said I should not make them happy and just focus on Allah and my own kids
    I have no idea after talking to her and telling her all stuff she been doing from day one and how wrong she been
    I don’t care if after that she pick up phone and create fight and show I disrespect her
    I want to face her once and say all that to make my self relief
    I believe she should know how she been behaving and I won’t forgive her for making my life miserable
    My Husband start talking to me and keep requesting me that I should love him back the way he does to me and forget what has happend
    I have no idea but I feel so strong now
    I belive all this I been feeling it’s because I turn to Allah alone
    I will tell u all how it went with my in law and how I am feeling after taking all out what I been hiding inside from years
    Keep me in duas

  • Serena

    January 29, 2018

    Asalaam alaikum

    Saira

    Ana has said it plain and simple and I agree you are fighting a lost battle when it comes to your in laws and husband.

    Of course your mother in law wont accept you and treat you like other daughter in laws because you are a second wife who was married before and has a child from previous marriage.

    You said your in laws are desperate to see your husband treat you bad. Saira they don’t need to be there to see it but you said your husband tells his mum when there is a problem. He is telling you to apologise to his mum after she told him to divorce you. Your in laws must be well aware of the emotional abuse in your marriage thats why the mum in law is getting away with interfering and manipulating her son.

    I said this once before you should limit your contact with inlaws. They don’t accept you so why go there to be humiliated in front of others as well. You need to be strong and show them you respect yourself enough to not let them bring you down.

    Saira you shouldn’t really have to tell your inlaws anything about your son because he’s none of their concern. They say stuff like that to hurt you so best not to discuss him with them. Your son won’t be staying with them nor depend on them but they are probably worried about your husband spending on him etc.

    Sometimes it best not to tell anyone our plans and just do what you have to do. You know you won’t abandon your kids but don’t try and justify that to in laws. Forget trying to fit in with in laws for now. Look after yourself and kids.

    One last point Saira, I hope you keep regular contact with your side of family especially mum. It’s important to have someone to talk to who can advise you.

    Remember Allah is the best of Providers and He will provide for you and kids. When one door shuts another opens. Keep doing dua.

  • Mari2

    January 29, 2018

    Saira,
    Salam. I hope this post finds you well. I just want to say that you need to let go of the idea that you can or should be the one to make other people happy. Honestly their happiness isn’t your problem. The only happiness you need to focus upon is your own and that of your children. And you gain that by turning to Allah. If your MIL is unhappy that is because she fails to turn to ALLAH. If your husband is unhappy it’s because he failed to turn to ALLAH. Their unhappiness is a problem that they own. Only they can rectify it. Be grateful that you have your own place. Allah provided that for you, so make it your sanctuary, a place your babies can have peace and you as well.

    In the same vein, why should you require your husband or MIL approval as a means for your own happiness? Shouldn’t Allah be the one to focus on?

    Allah himself cannot please everyone despite his mercy and forgiveness because men resist the truth oftentimes . The prophets couldn’t please everyone either, so why do you tie yourself in knots trying to accomplish what even they couldn’t ? Don’t. Just pray. Read Quran and be grateful of that which Allah has given you. Cut away cultural expectations and focus on your children and yourself and ask Allah to guide you. HE will.

    You do not need your MIL approval. You don’t need your husband’s approval. The only thing you need is ALLAH. Just leave it as far as him and his family and your cultural upbringing. Allah isn’t a Pakistani man, and HE pretty much isn’t invested in what your MIL thinks about you. HE has far more important concerns I am sure.

    Take a deep breath. Relax. Pray. Turn to ALLAH and let all the worldly nonsense just go.

    Xoxo

  • Saira

    January 29, 2018

    Sister Ana
    I make dua still making dua about my situation
    Now it’s up to Allah what will be written for me
    But as you said I tell them clearly I won’t abandont my son in any case and that what I told them
    But from few days I been making so much dua and started to see my self and decided I won’t let them brush me under floor like that
    There is no feeling in my side for my husband after his kiddish behaviour but I won’t leave empty hand
    I don’t want to play fool any more
    I have small baby and half way to my pregnancy
    I will get my right from my husband I deserve and the mother in law only deserve Salam from me
    I am soft spoken I won’t disrespect any one but I won’t take any thing bad from them.
    I was actually surprise she was supporting my husband for third marriage lol
    But I have spoke few people who is from same family but not so close they suggested I would keep my self strong and for sake of kids just listen snd ignore if I have to listen but when it come to my son I should see how things will be with my husband as he is not bad but he get confuse
    My in laws Despret to see my husband treating me bad
    To be honest I feel so different now
    Only thing I think of now is kids and I won’t take any harsh ward for my kids
    May Allah make it happend what is best for me and my kids ameen

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2018

    Sister Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    As much as I hate to say it, I think you’re fighting a losing battle. What you see and what you’ve been dealing with in connection with your in-laws and your husband is what you should continue to expect from them as long as you continue to deal with them. There is no reason to expect anything different from them. They won’t see you as a legitimate, real wife because they don’t accept polygamy as a valid, respectable form of marriage. As you already know, Pakistanis don’t accept other men’s kids (orphans). You could expect them to mistreat your son. It goes back to the ayah in the Quran that says if a man can’t deal justly with the orphans, then only marry one (wife). Your husband should have stuck with his other wife who has his kids and not married you, knowing that you had a son by a previous marriage-a son that he KNEW he wouldn’t accept.

    Saira, your mother-in-law is not your mother, and you don’t have to take any abuse from her. I suggest you don’t go tracking her down to confront her, nor would I suggest you go to her and say you’re sorry when you haven’t done anything wrong. If you should happen to be in her company again or speak with her on the phone and the subject of your son comes up, tell her straight that you’re not going to abandon your son (just because she and that family want to save face – not be shamed because you have a son that isn’t your current husband’s child).

    Saira, you said before that you’re not feeling your husband and think you’d be better off living alone without him. Well, at the rate that things are going, with his mother, every other day, telling him to divorce you, you may just get your wish (what you prayed for). At least you’d have peace of mind and probably better health not having to deal with those people’s non-sense everytime you turn around. It’s crazy. They aren’t going to change. You’re just deluding yourself, if you think that suddenly those people are going to embrace you and show you any love more than for a moment when you’re doing something to satisfy their desires. You owe those people nothing other than a cordial As Salaamu Alaikum and keep it moving…

  • Saira

    January 29, 2018

    Aslamu alaykum all
    Sister Ana and sister sareeena and any one who has some knowledge of Pakistani in laws I need advice
    My mother in law is a nice religious lady over all but she don’t seems to be accepting me as his sons wife she always say things to hurt me and never treated me fair like she does to other daughter in laws
    When I first got married I was so happy and wanted to make her my own mother but she never really give me chance
    Me and my husband when have problem and if my husband go to complain to his mother that day never be a good one but if we both stay in our own place and we fix the issue within few hours
    She try to find more things to say and make my husband go angry more and he behave like 2 year old in front of his mother and what ever he says she defend him
    It happend many times and each time when she say so much to me if I am in her place I get my stuff and walk out to go out of that place and she always says if I walk out of her house she will make sure her son won’t let me bring back mean divorce me
    I have my own place and I can not take so much insult and I rather leave the place and fight and go out I tryied ones to stay there and what happend she was keep saying to me things and when my sister in law and my co came she was saying so much in front of them as well
    I can’t take it and I was not staying there over night any way so I walk out happily
    My husband went on holiday back home and my mother in law was there too and he spend two days with his mother in there and she came back and I went to meet her
    When ever any thing happend in family my mum in law say thing about me and I constantly fear she be again unhappy with me
    When things get so bad I cannot sit in that invoirmwnt and I always go home and she make this huge issue in front of my husband and say to me if I go she will not let her son to take me back
    Other hand it is impossible to sit there and listen to so much no sence things
    She say things like she has no knowledge at all how husband wife relationship works
    Even say I use his son money and stay in his house etc and and he feed me and kids
    Come on if husband won’t do all that then who will do and I do not reply to any of this as I feel it’s unnessery and she have mind she will think it’s stupid to even say all that
    Now she bring up things about my son that I be making his son life hard when I have my son custody
    I been crying over all this but I said to her I will never leave my son over this marriage and I rather raise my kids alone then leave my son
    Now she has say Allah knows what to her son and he is ok with me but he said his mother order him to divorce me and he said I should go and apologise to her
    Sorry I am saying so much
    Now the point I want advice is
    I had enohg of this every other day sorry
    I feel like I am weak and I should now speak up because staying quite is not the soloution
    I feel like I should go to her sit down and ask her what is her issue and about my son I should clear doubts in her mind about so called money and property issue onc he grown up
    I have no idea how but I been feeling less scared and feel like batter to face her and speak about issues rather then making her feel as if I am doing something wrong
    I want to know how and what way I approach her and speak so things sh don’t feel bad and won’t get twisted ?

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2018

    Sister Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I agree with you that the stronger we become in belief (Faith) the better and more peaceful our lives become. Wanting to be a better Muslim is a must in order to move us forward. Allah only guides those who seek His guidance. So we must continue to do that as it’s the only way we’ll obtain His guidance, protection and help.

    The more we dwell on and concern ourselves with that which Allah created (for example: a husband) and not on Him the Creator the worse our lives get.

    Allah promises the believers comfort and ease in this life and the best in the Hereafter. We need to learn what it is that He expects of us. He tells us it all in the Quran. He says He hasn’t left out anything big or small that we need.

    You should feel good about yourself. I pray that we’re on the mustaqueen (straight path) and that Allah keeps us there.

  • Saira

    January 27, 2018

    JazakAllah sister Ana for a great post
    Am looking forward to your post about deaseas heart
    I just so want to be a batter Muslim and I so believe now once I become strong in my believe my all worries be handed to Allah and I will have peace full life
    May Allah make me a batter believer ameen

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2018

    Sister Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    We all have weak faith. Allah says if it wasn’t for His Mercy we’d all be in the Hellfire. So, don’t talk that way. Don’t beat up on yourself. It’s a good thing you want to be better. It’s what’s important. I want to be better. We all could stand to be better.

    Insha Allah, I have to get back to you within the next day or so to talk about the “Diseased Heart” Situation. In fact, Insha Allah, I’ll write a post about it.

  • Saira

    January 26, 2018

    As slamu alakykum
    Sister and you again made me wounder how weak my eman is
    You are a shining star
    May Allah make you successed here and after ameen
    You talk about deaseas heart that women wish to have monogamy life because she must not go against Allah command mean she should not wish to be monogamy wife if she is choose to be polygamy
    My question is what if person like me been so tired of life with fight every other day on silly stuff and thinking to have single life to give batter fight free atmosphere to kids
    Does that mean I have deaseas heart too as I make pray to be signal and free from polygymy or monogamy life?
    If so what I do to make my life peace full

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2018

    Alison, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m so happy to hear from you https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif It has been a very long time, and you have arrived bearing good news. You’ve got a baby girl! WHOO HOO!. Alhumduliah. I’m so happy for you. I pray for the best for you and your family. Hope to hear from you more often. Much love https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Alison

    January 25, 2018

    Hey Anna Asalam aleikum long time hope allall Is well am good got a baby girl recently alhamdulilah been busy that’s why the silence
    Much love

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2018

    I had gotten the links in the article mixed up, but they are corrected now.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2018

    There are people, as well, who think that Allah sits high watching and knowing all that goes on, while people down here are just out there doing any ole thing that they want to do and are making bad choices LOL. They fail to know that All things belong to Allah. He is our Creator. Only He has POWER.

    Would any of us let everyone else do whatever they want to do with what belongs to us? Then why would they think that Allah would do it?

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2018

    Most people don’t want to hear about Allah, about reading the Quran and acting on it. They’d rather hear about other worldly stuff. They prefer to talk about that which is questionable, not what is concrete. For instance, they’re more inclined to talk about how many maidens a man will have in Jannah/Paradise or how many sects of Islam there are. Allah tells us that there are those people who deal in nothing but conjectures and lies.