Which Wife is Better in a Polygamous Marriage?

which wife is better in a polygamous marriageAll Muslim women want to know which wife is better in a polygamous marriage. Is it better to be a 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife?  When in a polygamous marriage, the order that the wives married their husband in doesn’t matter. A woman who married a man who was already married has the same wants, needs, and goals as the first wife. We already know that Allah has allowed men to have more than one wife. With it said, some women will marry married men. There is nothing wrong with it. It would make him polygamous, if he has more than one wife.

Which wife is better in a polygamous marriage? The sequence that the wives married the husband in doesn’t make one wife better than the other. It doesn’t make her less than then other wife either. A wife who married her husband second is no less than the wife who married first, nor is the wife who married second better than the wife who married first. No woman has a right to say another woman should not have accepted an offer for marriage, either.

When it comes to which wife is better in a polygamous marriage, some women think the first wife should have more rights than the other

Just because the one woman married the man first, it does not give her more rights than the other. Despite what some people may think, a woman doesn’t have to consider the first wife before she marries the married man. The husband should consider his first wife, the children, and their needs before he takes on another wife. The wife whom he expects to marry doesn’t have to do it. The woman is going to marry the man. She is not going to marry the man’s wife. Should they all be one family? It’s a question for another time.

Which wife is better in a polygamous marriage, isn’t a question that a wife should give much thought to

If she thinks about it, it should be because she wants to be the most righteous wife. The most righteous one is the better one. There would be harmony, peace, and tranquility in polygamous marriages, if all the spouse to the marriages were righteous. A righteous wife who is a Believer accepts all of Allah’s decisions. Allah decided polygamy for the ones who are in it.

It does not always happen that the spouses are Believers. There is a difference between a Muslim and a Muslim who is a Believer. Polygamous marriages are more successful when all spouses to the marriages are Believers.

Despite the sequence that the wives married the husband in, they are all equal to one another. Therefore, it shouldn’t be a matter of which wife is better in a polygamous marriage

All the wives are equal, regardless of the order in which they married. I wrote this post, as I would like all women who married 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th to feel comfortable here at polygamy 411. I want all to share their stories. We value all posts and advice. All is valuable. No one should view a woman in a negative light just because she married a married man. She has the same rights as a woman who married first. She has rights as a woman – point-blank, period, exclamation point, and end of story.

Regardless of the sequence wives married in, no one should make a woman feel guilty or ashamed for having married the man. Allah allows polygamy for men. A man proposes marriage to the woman. She accepts the proposal. They are husband and wife.

A first wife has no more or greater rights than a woman who married her husband next. All wives are equal in polygamous marriages. The wives are only different based on their Faith. Allah lets us know the best person is the person who is the most righteous one.

Please note: Please only comment about the topic on this page. Please discuss other topics in the assigned “Discussions” area

which wife is better in a polygamous marriage


Share article on

Don't Be Shy. Leave a Reply

* Denotes Required Field

https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif 
https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif 
 

43 Comments

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    Gail,

    Wow, a “food dehydrator”, it sounds like fun. It sounds like a lot of work too. I love organic foods. I DEFINITELY, UNEQUIVOCALLY, WITHOUT A DOUBT know there is a difference between organic food and foods in regular supermarkets. Organic food are waaaay better.

    I hear you about being a turtle when it comes to doing things on the computer. I get that way sometimes with my email. I’ll just blow off going there to read them LOL I just get lazy that way sometimes. I’m like it with going to the social media sites to check my accounts, as well.

    How is your little 9-year-old doing? I like reading about him. He does sound to be a special little guy. I’d love to fast forward life to see what he’ll be doing 20 years from now.

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Ana,
    I am slow as a turtle trying to do anything involving the computer I will try in the next few days to see if I can do something with it.I got a new food dehydrator and I a bought some organic bananas and apples.It is my first time using one of these.My family loves dried fruit but it is so pricy at the store and I wanted to make as much organic stuff as possible.It is so much fun trying new things.

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    @Gail,

    You gave Fantasir some really good advice. I liked your post to him.

    Everyone, Insha Allah, I’ll be back. I read most of the posts, and have some thoughts on what was said.

    Gail, Insha Allah, let me know how you make out with getting your avatar. It’s really much easier than it sounds. The most difficult part is determining what image you want to use for your avatar.

    The avatars on the blog are automatically generated. I have no control over them other than to select what type of avatar or none I use. I have a few email accounts with different avatars that I created through gmail.

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2014

    @Fantasir, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Don’t concern yourself about the time it took you to respond. I’m just happy you’re back with us. I thought for a moment we wouldn’t hear from you again. We like having newbies join us when they are with us on the same page. Insha Allah, you’ll hang around for a while. Men tend to drop in from time to time, but don’t become steady writers. It’s okay though. Insha Allah, Whenever you get inspired to write, simply join in.

    Thank you much for explaining about your name. I appreciate it much. It’s way interesting and I love learning about what’s in the Quran. I intend to write down the duah you mentioned.

    I don’t think you’ve offended anyone by saying women here don’t mind being married to men who are intent on marrying others, making them polygamous. You certainly haven’t offended me. There are some here whose husbands would like to marry again, but it hasn’t happened for them yet.

    Your second question isn’t an easy one to answer. Sigh. I think it’s a common problem for men who want to marry again and their wives are against it. Many women, including Muslim women, don’t believe in polygamy for their husbands.

    Some women who aren’t married yet, put in their profile on marriage sites that they are not interested in men for marriage who have an interest in polygamy. Those women aren’t inclined towards Allah and there is a problem in their hearts. A man who is more interested in Allah, and not the physical should overlook such a woman for a wife.

    It is a predicament when the husband is already married to a woman who doesn’t believe in polygamy for her husband. He must determine whether he will serve his wife’s desires or seek to serve Allah, and accept Allah’s decree with enthusiasm when Allah has decreed for him to have another wife. If it is in his heart to serve and worship Allah with sincerity and with EXCLUSIVE DEVOTION, he should overlook the wishes of his wife when it comes to him taking on a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife. Many may take offense to what I say, but they take offense to the Truth.

    What does it mean to serve Allah with sincere and exclusive devotion? Sometimes we just hear words without really thinking about the meaning.

    “Sincerity” according to Merriam-Webster dictionary is, “the quality or state of being sincere: honesty of mind: freedom from hypocrisy

    “Exclusive” according to Merriam-Webster dictionary is, “whole, undivided”

    “Devotion” according to Merriam-Webster dictionary is, “the fact or state of being ardently dedicated and loyal

    If Allah has decreed for a man to marry another woman, the existing wife shouldn’t oppose Allah. She should accept what Allah has decreed for her husband.

  • Gail

    October 21, 2014

    fantasir,
    I had a typo I meant to say the men goes through the motions not emotions.

  • Gail

    October 21, 2014

    Fantasir,
    If a wife doesn’t accept her husband wanting to be polygamous the husband has a few choices.He can leave the idea of being Polygamous or he can be honest with the wife and tell her straight he has decided to be Polygamous and leave the ball in her court if she wants to stay or divorce.I would advise any man before they marry if they have intentions on being Polygamous to tell their prospected wife.It is the decent respectable thing to do instead of trying to trap your wife.The wife will resent u later on and have a really hard time if ever accepting the other wife/wives.It is never good to trap anyone and it always comes back on the person doing the trapping in the end.
    I also want to say if u marry and decide u later on u want to practice polygamy there is more of a chance your first wife will accept given time.It is possible she may opt for divorce but the majority stay I think and try to work it out esp if children r involved.
    One thing I have noticed which seems very unfair and cruel is I am noting through this blog alot of men take a second wife and give there main attention to the second wife leaving the first wife to fend for herself and her children.Oh he comes stays sleeps with her and goes through the emotions but his heart and brain is on the second wife.That is cruel to any wife and husbands need to be aware if they r going to make the choice to practice polygamy then love the one u r with and give your full attention on that particular wife.

  • Gail

    October 21, 2014

    Alison,
    I am happy to read u r doing much better.The blog is truly a lifeline to many of us.I know longer am in a Polygamous relationship but because of this blog I have truly come to understand polygamy and I personally made the choice to accept Polygamy as another form of marriage.U just keep your chin up and everything will be fine.Keep going and remember slow and steady wins the race.

  • alison

    October 21, 2014

    Awww ladies I teared up reading this I didnt set up the notify my and I missed up all these replies to my post….am beyond touched by your responses I feel like you all my family and always there at my worst and at my best

    thanks all I am better its just sometimes I have a bad moments its too soon its my first year and it was a shocker and was done the wrong way..but alhamdulila its getting better and with this sitr I must say my progress is tremendous. ..when the site closed I felt totally lost but now am happpy thanks to you all

    Words cant say how touched I am. …hugs

  • Fantasir

    October 21, 2014

    Dear Ana,

    Thank you for your prompt reply (on 18 Oct 2014) and apologies for a belated reply.

    I took the word “Fantasir” from the Quran, which is a combination of two words (or syllables) – Fa + antasir, meaning “so provide help”. It was a prayer by Hazrat Nuh (Alaihi wa sallam) and occurs in surah Qamar (54) verse no. 10. He (AS) asked help from Allah when he was vanquished, and he had no other option. As you know, as a result of this supplication – Allah (SWT) gave the great deluge. The whole earth was flooded and Hazrat Nuh (AS) along with a few other believers and birds and animals was saved. Thus the prayer “Rabbi, anni maghloobun fantasir” (O Allah! I am vanquished, so – please help me” is a very strong dua.

    Now coming to the point of polygamy, I am seriously interested to know a few things. First, this blog is a marvellous place. I did not know that such wonderful people (as are in this blog) existed with a clear understanding of Allah’s choice (if not a decree) for polygamy. So, I would imagine – perhaps should take for granted that – there are many like-minded people here who are jewels, and they do not mind being married to others who are in pursuit. I hope I am not offending anyone.

    Second, what should a married man do when the existing wife simply just does not like to believe that he should marry for the second and third and the fourth time?

    Best regards

  • Marie

    October 21, 2014

    Mari2,

    I feel the same as you, my head spins when some people take scholars OPINIONS (because that’s what they are) and run with them. They search and search untill they find one that agrees with their desire. I remember once I had my hair in a high bun, I put my headscarf on and left out. A sister decided to narrate the hadith about camel humps on women’s heads (I’m sure you’ve all heard it) she was convinced that I would be going to hell. I just said the hadith doesn’t mean that. It’s the same with perfume, (which I wear) sisters be like, Ohhh there goes the adulterer. Oh please.
    Another point is, scholars who I take fiqh from said themselves, (one scholar imperticular) said to his student “don’t write down everything I say, for today I may hold a different view to tomorrow, and tomorrow a different view to the next day” he also said their is definitely mistakes in his works, as the only book that is perfect is the quran. He didn’t know where he erred but he knew it was there.

    At the masjid I attend, the sisters side is warm, cosy and quiet. I like to pray there. The brothers are upstairs, iv only been up there twice, once when I got married and once for a lesson, I like it better downstairs, it feels very homely. There’s also a children’s area, where all the kids go during lessons.

    The sheikh is such a lovely brother, when he married my husband and I, he did an overview of my husbands responsibilitys, he said the minimum amount of food he’s to provide is 1 mudd (cupped handful) per day. He followed by saying “but you know, don’t throw it at her, put it on a plate with some sauce” he has a sense of humour lol.

  • anabellah

    October 20, 2014

    @Mari2,

    I’m glad you brought the topic up. WOW!!! Anyhow, I could see how you opted to go back and offer salat behind the men so you could get something constructive out of the Kutbah. Good for you!

    I’m still not anywhere near caught up yet. I just skim through while approving comments and read the short one LOL

  • anabellah

    October 20, 2014

    I’ve got some catching up to do. There are good discussions going on.

    @Mari2, wow, scholars are really spending time on women leg shaving techniques and such? It’s incredible!!! – as though how we shave our legs and other body part will help get us into Janna/Paradise. scoff IT’S CRAZY.

    It’s why on this blog I ask people to stay away from all those “dos” and “don’t” of Islam type of discussions because they blow my mind. People are so caught up in superficial non-sense and I just don’t have time for it. Insha Allah, I’ll be back.

  • Gail

    October 20, 2014

    Ana,
    Really the whole things about first wives sound totally jacked up to me.If the first wife is so important and half the dean or whatever then what need for polygamy to be frank if the other wives r worthless.No that sounds nuts to me.I think when a man enters Polygamy every wife meets a different need for the husband otherwise why remarry.
    I also think looking back now how Nuts it is to say u accept Polygamy but want to be the favorite wife.It is kinda like a oxymoron to me.
    I really see it now that men r sooo very different creatures than woman mentally and until a woman figures that out she is going to suffer needlessly in my opinion.
    This is my take on Polygamy.I think alot of people marry young and alot of men think they got first wife and he is hers he starts having wondering eyes.I think men like variety to be honest.Maybe not all men but I think alot alot alot of men do.Is it right no maybe not but is it reality yeah I think so.
    I really think that as long as a husband is meeting your needs and u r willing to stay in polygamy then who the favorite wife is really should be a non issue because both are favorites in different ways.

  • Mari2

    October 20, 2014

    And btw as this has no actual subject matter on this blog so I will post it here: I love when I have the opportunity to go to masjid and pray. We have a women’s section (small and crowded) but Mashallah, the imam took down some walls so now there is air circulation and the women are able to pray with more space. However, each time I have had the rare opportunity to go to masjid for jummah, the women’s section is ridiculously loud with chatting during the khutbah. Why come to masjid if you aren’t going to listen? Why chit chat when you can pray? Why show up for the last 10 minutes, and be disruptive as you sashay in like a queen in your perfectly fashionable hijab? I now no longer bother to pray in the women’s section. I choose to pray behind the men in the main room, along with other women whom like myself want to hear the Quran. Mashallah, our imam permits this.

  • Mari2

    October 20, 2014

    Nice Truth,
    The problems with scholars (in many religions, not just Islam) is that much of the time one ends up with too many cooks in the kitchen. The result is confusion. There are many fatwas and rulings, believe it or not, for the simplest things like eyebrow plucking and leg shaving. Leg shaving okay (according to some), others say it is haram. Then some say leg shaving is fine but the plucking of brows is haram. Or waxing of the legs is okay but the use of razors on the legs is haram.

    What I am pointing out here is that “scholars” and true scholars disagree all over the place with just shaving legs. Do you not realize they do the same with polygamy too? And polygamy is a bit more important than smooth legs. But the point I am making is that any self-proclaimed mullah can create any ruling by cherry-picking verses from the quran and mixing it up with hadiths and their own personal biases and creating their own great religious pronouncement that is sadly taken as truth by the masses focused not on the quran and word of Allah, but upon ignorance.

    I absolutely LOVE the imam of the masjid where I go. He’s a feisty, cranky man to some, but I adored his kuhtbah(sp) after Ramadan when he flat out told us the issues happening among the Muslims in the world were the fault of nobody but the Muslims themselves. He said (something very close to this): Every day one of you comes to me and says “In my country we do this…In my country we do that..” Well guess what? The prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did NOT have a multiple personality disorder! He did not reveal a Quran for Africa that was different than a Quran for the Middle East, which was different than the Quran for Pakistan! There is only ONE Quran! And while the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) tried His best to unite the tribes, the ummah of today still holds to their tribal ways and won’t let go of them despite the best efforts and teachings of the prophet. And he told everyone in attendance that muslims world-wide need to focus on the Quran and not the culture and quit taking advantage of one another. I was all like “Preach on brother!”

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    Gail,

    You were a bit more blunt with Nice truth than I was. You know how I feel about scholars. Anyhow, I’ve decided to take it easy with my views and thoughts to a degree and leave people alone with theirs as much as I can.

    What happens when the first wife is a non-Muslim married to a Muslim? Did she help him with his “deen”? I think the scholars he’s quoted are those who believe marriage completes 1/2 a person’s deen. I’m not a believer in that philosophy. There is nothing in the Quran to support it. I think the saying is supposed to mean a man and woman can stop focusing on their naf in finding a spouse and satisfying sexual desire, and can focus on serving Allah. If it’s the case as I think the saying means, they should have simply said it.

  • Gail

    October 19, 2014

    Nice truth,
    Welcome to the blog.
    I don’t know about the first wife helping hubs with his dean or whatever sounds kinda messed up to me since all wives are equal.
    I am not Muslim so not so sure about Islamic stuff but it sounds messed up to me.

  • Gail

    October 19, 2014

    Fantisir,
    Welcome to the blog.

  • Gail

    October 19, 2014

    Lynette,
    I am so happy that u found your way back to the blog.Hows your life going these days?

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    @Nice Truth, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Oh, my, your avatar is soooooo funny. Thank you for inputting. You brought a different take on the subject – definitely interesting. I have to contemplate that one…

  • Nice Truth

    October 19, 2014

    AS, I would just like to drop a line here. Scholars, Islamic ones, classical Islamic scholars believe that the first wife is for the husband’s deen and akhirah while all subsequent wives are to be considered an accumulation of dunya- or worldly desires- but nonetheless there is no differentiation in the rights and considerations of all the wives, therefore establishing the truth of the author’s conclusion that all wives must be considered equal.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    Sister Lynnette, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s good to see you, sis. I missed you so much. I’m doing the happy dance too Dancing Smiley Face I’m so happy you’re here and we’re all together again.

    I love your avatar. It’s so cute. I think it suits you. Well, take your time in getting caught up. Insha Allah, we’ll be here whenever you feel like jumping in the discussions. {{{hugs}}} XXOOXXOO

  • Lynnette

    October 19, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, Everyone!

    I am so happy to see everyone here I can hardly contain myself! :::happy dance:::

    But there is a LOT of reading I need to do to get current!

    Sister Anabellah, it is good to see you!

    I love my avatar, by the way <3

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 18, 2014

    your so welcome ana

    yes i can believe that …. alhamdu lilah i thought myself to read arabic a long time ago … sometimes their are words i dont know the meaning to but with time you get use to it

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone

    Anisa umm Imran,

    Thank you very much for translating the Arabic for me. I appreciate it greatly. People on websites have to be so careful now a day. Years ago when I first started the blog someone had a duplicate site of this blog and everything was in Arabic. I had no clue what the Arabic said. I reported it and WordPress took down the site. For all I knew it could have been a terrorist group who had the site up as a front They shut my first polygamy 411’s twitter account down years ago, as people (not me) were tweeting stuff on a regular that had nothing to do with polygamy. It was crazy. It’s why I like to know what is said when I see a foreign language. We can’t be too careful. Again, thank you for helping me out.

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 18, 2014

    Ana

    The Arabic writting is spelling her name

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    Fantasir,

    Welcome to our site. Please tell me what your avatar says, if you don’t mind. I know very little Arabic. I know enough Arabic to offer my salat in it. I know a few Surahs in Arabic, along with a few other words here and there.

    I haven’t followed any present day scholars, sheiks or Imans et al. I have read quite a few book (some of the books are out of print) by the way older scholars. I’ve learned quite a bit from them.

    I would never understand how any scholar could dismiss the lifestyle of polygamy when it was the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and some of Allah’s other Prophets all of whom are our examples. I can’t explain why they do what they do other than they follow their own desires devoid of knowledge from Allah.

    We’d like to hear more from you, Insha Allah.

  • Fantasir

    October 18, 2014

    i like the truth stated in this page. I was searching for a website that speaks such bold truth.

    I came across some islamic pages that contains writing of so called scholars. Their writing is extremely defensive as if marrying more than 1 was a shame. It is a real shame to see that so called muslims explain the quranic instructions on polygamy in a way that pleases them.

    I have many more to write provided I get a response from here.

  • Gail

    October 17, 2014

    Spirited,
    I agree with u 100%.That is why I advocate if the wives have children with the husband to try to not involve the husband in their personal issues.I also am aware that one wife might try to be a horses A$$ to the other wife.I guess there is no real answer.I do know though that trying to get a husband to do much is not really going to happen for the most part in my opinion.
    Sad that woman can’t get along for the sake of the family unit and yes I agree it is the husbands fault more times than not.

    Fatima,
    I hope u r doing well.I am curious what ever happen to your husbands cousin and the baby?

  • Spirited

    October 17, 2014

    Salaam guys,

    I wanted to add in regards to this topic, that it shouldn’t matter about the order, but most people’s actions don’t correspond to the what “should” be.
    Another point is that often, its the man who enables or even forces, one wife or both wives to have problems or cause issues.

    What I mean by this is that either the man doesn’t have the balls to be firm and fair, causing unrest in both families, or he overwhelmingly favors one wife over the other, leading to neglect and abuse (such as the a-holes who leave the first wife in their home country and pretty much abandon them there). If the man knows what he’s doing, works fairly with everyone involved, puts his foot down where it obviously needs to be put down, then it would be quite surprising if there were problems. That’s just the long and short of it, in my opinion.

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 17, 2014

    Asalamu Alikum

    Ma Shaa Allah ladies very nice post and answers

    Ummof4 ..subhan Allah alot of woman do think the same … my last co said similar things to my hubby … she said she had you for the last 18 years now it’s my turn … he didnt tell me till the marriage was finished …

    Alison

    Shyatan love to see us feeling sorry for ourselves and he tries to push it to the point that may end up saying or doing something we may regret at a time like that turn to Allah and seek his help and in Shaa Allah he will make you feel better about it all

  • ~Fatima~

    October 16, 2014

    @Mari2.. wow very well said. I like how you look at your co as an asset. I remember the hurt I felt when hubby would go to India to see his couisin a few years ago.. if only I had looked at it in a different way.. it would not have hurt so much..
    Im like you and Ana.. I like the peace and relaxation..
    I suppose if a husband is away for a few days each week, its easier to think of the peace and relaxation one would get instead of the crazy thinking we sometimes do of what husband and co is doing.. maybe if we thought of it as a relief, so we can have me time, our minds would be more at ease.
    AWW ALISON,
    Bless your heart, your making me cry because I remember too well, crying in my bed and all my emotions just flew out.. I had good days and bad days for 2 years..One day I was ok.. then the next it was like some evil monster crawled in my head with crazy thoughts.. but Alison, just remember, the crazy moments will pass. They always do and in time you will become stronger and some things wont bother you like they use too.
    To all you ladies Ana, Gail, Marie, Coco, ummof,and anyone else I missed, May we all be blessed with patience and guidance, and days filled with peace..
    Were women and were fragile..
    Thats what I tell my husband.. Im fragile, handle with care

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2014

    Mari2,

    I hear you. I don’t blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. It’s funny; we don’t realize how good we had it until things change. I’m sure the cousin will be a blessed welcome for you, God willing.

    The life you mentioned is my kind of life. I have to look for people to run my business, as I just don’t have all the time needed for it. I like sleeping in late everyday, and staying up all night too much. I enjoy the life of Leisure.

    You know the sayings, Mari2. We don’t miss the water till the well runs dry. We don’t realize what we had till we don’t have it any longer. Your co certainly should be an asset for you :-) Had you not had a co before, you wouldn’t realize how beneficial it is for you. You’ve got something very nice to look forward to – him leaving to get wed. Don’t let him see how happy you are about it. It may hurt his feelings LOL

  • Mari2

    October 15, 2014

    I was a second and it was good much of the time though I didn’t realize it until now. Then I became first/only and received a MIL, MIL entertainment duties etc. I will say for the record, remembering life before the departure of #1, I liked being a second better. Now looking back, I often wish crazy number one was here so I can return to my nice, peaceful, just seeing M 2 to 3 times a week kinda life. Looking forward to M marrying his cousin and he and mom leave to his country and cousin wife gets to cook, clean, have babies etc. I’m past all those desires now. I just want peaceful weekends, a clean house and fun trips to the beach. So I don’t look at cousin wife as competition, a burden, or an enemy. I look at her as an asset.

  • coco

    October 15, 2014

    Alison
    I don’t blame you feeling that way ;( Please correct me if I’m wrong but I reckon if your co was sensitive, respectful and displayed a tinge of humanity upon making an entry you wouldn’t feel that way. I don’t believe people have such a big problem with the practice of polygany as much as they have issues with how their co invades their territory and then wants to wipe out the existence of the first wife and kids instead of displaying some selflessness. Today may seem like a difficult day but tomorrow will be better inshAllah :)

  • coco

    October 15, 2014

    LOVE this post! I wish I should keep a printed copy so that when a loved one throws in with disgust “but your going to be a second wife or you don’t deserve to be a second wife” I can just sshhhhhh em! I think sometimes we throw judgement at ourselves more than at others and reading this really helped me jazahkAllah :) Marie and Ina couldn’t agree more! ummof4 wow I’m astonished with the “she’s had over 30 years of marriage, that’s enough, give me my turn.” People can be so heartless and absolutely ridiculous! Ahhhhhh

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everybody,

    alison,

    Everything will be okay. Insha Allah,tomorrow will be better for you. Every day is different, as are parts of the day, just as the clouds in the sky are. No day is ever the same. Try to put your focus on Allah and you’ll see in a matter of TIME your life will feel way normal again.

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I chuckled a bit when you said the sister your husband had considered for a moment to marry said you had him long enough and it was her turn and he should dump you. In a way I’m shocked, but in a way I’m not.

    I once was intended to a guy (the guy who is now living in Saudi) when I first became Muslim and I told him to get rid of his wife, if he wanted me to marry him. He agreed. Then I decided I didn’t want to marry him. I still had a non-Muslim mentality at the time. Faith hadn’t entered my heart. I had not long before it taken the Shahadah, but I was still the same person as before I uttered those words. Faith doesn’t jump into a person’s heart instantaneously when we become Muslim, which I know you already knew it. I’m just mentioning what happened with me. I was jacked up It was a terrible thing to have asked him to divorce her and what I took her through. Payback is a *itch. What a beautiful feeling to know I’m not the same person now that I was then.

  • Ina

    October 14, 2014

    @ Alison,
    I am sad to hear you are having a tough day today. It seems a lot of us get stuck on that polygamy rollercoaster. How is your husband when he sees you upset?
    Men don’t seem to be very good at comforting an emotional woman. They think we cry to manipulate them so after a while, they become immune to it. They just let us be and expect us to pick ourselves up and be completely ok the next day and most of time we do. Like you said, sometimes we just feel sad for no reason. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

  • Marie

    October 14, 2014

    Aww Alison, try not to be sad, I’m having one of those days too. I’m into the evening now and Insha’allah I’m going to kick Satan’s butt tonight. Do not listen to his whispers, think of only Allah. Not only will you find peace in your heart, but your getting good deeds. Remember our ultimate goal.

  • Gail

    October 14, 2014

    Marie,
    Very nice post.I 100% agree with u.

  • ummof4

    October 14, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikuma nd hello to all,

    Marie, I like the way you used the word HAD. The first wife’s life will change and she will have less of many aspects of her married life(hopefully not less money). The second, third or fourth wife comes in the marriage sharing. She will not be able to relive the history that the husband and his first wife had.
    Once when my husband was planning to marry a second wife, he informed the sister that he was already married for over 30 years to me. She then told him, “Well, we have no problem, just divorce her and marry me. She’s had over 30 years of marriage, that’s enough. Give me my turn.” I thought that was mighty bold of her to say, but I’m sure that many women think the same thing when they are about to marry a man who has been married to his first wife for a long time. She just had the nerve to say it. If I meet her, I’d like to shake her hand. Needless to say, my husband didn’t marry her, but someone else instead.
    So, all wives should be concerned primarily with their own marriage, understanding that their husband has more than one wife/household.

  • alison

    October 14, 2014

    Right now I feel like my Co should have left us alone..today is just one of those days that satan has won am on bed crying my heart out am feeling so much pain and hurt and nothing triggered it. Hubby is here and have no heart to even spend time with him am soooo down

  • Marie

    October 14, 2014

    I like this reminder very much. Sometimes I feel that my husbands other wife should have left us alone. That she should have acknowledged that we was happy and getting on with life. But she had as much right to marry my husband as I did. Having said that, additional wives need to acknowledge that they will not get the same time, money and sex as the first wife HAD. All wives should understand that they are sharing. And will not always get there own way when there are others to consider.