Wives Blame their Polygamous Husbands

wives blame their polygamous husbands

People tend to blame others for their unhappiness. Blaming another especially happens in polygamous marriages. Wives blame their polygamous husbands for how they feel and for the way their lives are. They play the blame game in polygamous marriages a lot.

If her husband went out and got himself another wife, she blames him for it. If she believes it was her husband and the other woman’s choice to marry, she blames them. She will always blame her husband and the other woman for her condition, if she thinks they decided it. She will blame them for ruining her life and for making her unhappy.

Wives blame their polygamous husbands and, as a result, find no peace in the marriages. She won’t find any as long as she is bitter, angry, hateful, and resentful towards her husband. She could try to hide the feelings, yet it won’t make them go away. The feelings will eat away at her and will surface for all to see.

Wives who blame their husbands will always be miserable and unhappy. They will be malcontents as long as the husband’s other wife or wives are still in the picture. Furthermore, add children to the mix, and the problem magnifies. How could she expect a different outcome when nothing has changed? The source of her pain and agony is still there? She sees the husband, the other wife, and possibly the other wife’s children as having caused her torment.

Wives blame their polygamous husbands, which is not good for them or the marriage

For anything to change for the better, the wife may have to leave the marriage. However, she may find that she is unable to do so and doesn’t know why she can’t. She comes up with reasons or excuses for why she cannot leave. Unfortunately, she does not believe, nor does she know that Allah decides everything. He decides who remains in a marriage, who leaves it, and when.

If wives blame their polygamous husbands for their unhappiness and stay in the marriage, they will have misery and agony in it. Consequently, they suffer and are in pain with no end in sight. They don’t want to stay in the marriage, but find they cannot leave, either. They feel there is no way out. The wife needs to know that she must do something for a change to occur, if she is to find contentment in her life. First, she must stop blaming others for the way her life is.

Wives blame their polygamous husbands, but must stop it to succeed

A wife must change her belief (what is in her heart).  She must want to rid herself of base emotions such as jealousy, envy, selfishness, pride, hatred etc. It begins with her having the correct belief in Allah. It means she believes Allah does all things. He makes everything happen. She has to accept Allah and believe that He decrees everything. Everything happens because He wills it. She must want to love polygamy and accept it as a good way of life.

It is not about a wife accepting polygamy, but about accepting Allah. She has to have the correct belief in Him. When one accepts Allah as the Doer of what He wills and has the correct belief in Him, she will have much that is good. When a wife is a “believer,” she will have the good in this world and the good in the Hereafter that Allah promises the “believers.”

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18 Comments

  • Mari2

    February 6, 2015

    @Bro. Musa,
    I’ve read what you posted with an open mind and agree with much. But how would you give advice to a wife whose husband took another solely on the request of his mother or other family member? At what point (or is there a point?) in which the family expectations and demands of marriage and culture violate Islam? An if Islam and it’s tenets are violated by cultural marriage expectations, then what of the “deen” of the muslimah who will not accept to be a part of that which is deemed wrong? There is and should be acceptance when done right. But when done wrong…then what?

  • Ina

    February 5, 2015

    During an argument with hubby years ago i did say to be hubby that he should wait until I die if he wanted to emulate the prophet Muhammad (PBUH). I can laugh about it now but I was serious when i said it at the time. He is not the prophet and I am not Khadijah.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2015

    @Marie,

    I think a lot of sisters get turned off as soon as a man comes out his mouth, saying a woman should accept polygamy because of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). She shuts down and reply that men need to be more like the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). The Muslim man and woman lose each other. It’s because the focus is the wrong place. The focus needs to be on Allah, but no one is talking about it. Allah said He created us to worship Him and Him alone. It’s about us obeying Allah and accepting what He give us (everything in the Holy Quran). Polygamy is some of what is in the Holy Quran. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) delivered the message, the message that was sent to ALL of Allah’s Prophets. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived the message that he brought – that Allah sent us through him. We need to try to live it, as well. Islam is beautiful. If we live the Holy Quran, we have a beautiful life. It’s feels blissful. The times feeling up way surpass the time feeling down.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2015

    @Marie As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I love what you said – “if you really want to be like the prophet then you should wait till your first wife dies, then become polygamous”. I have NEVER heard it said. What you stated is so true. WORD!

    I’m with you. All a man needs to say to his wife, for instance, is – look, I’m going to marry another woman or I’m considering it. Allah permits men to be polygamous. It’s the bottom line. He doesn’t have to convince his wife to accept it or ask her permission to do it. He needs to consult his current wife about it because Allah says believers consult one another about their affairs. When a husband becomes polygamous it will affect the existing wife. She should have a say in what will affect her in terms of finances, time, resources etc. He has the final say after he consults his existing wife about it.

    I never heard the saying,”a promise is a comfort to a fool”, but I like the saying and I can get with it. What sense does it make for a human being to promise another human being anything when a human being can’t control the future and doesn’t know the future. I wouldn’t ask anyone to promise me anything because it sets the other person up for failure. Do we want to do it – set someone up to fail? I don’t.

  • Marie

    February 5, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum all.

    @Ana, I liked your post’s to musa. The whole “I want polygamy to be like the prophet Muhammed” rubs me the wrong way. I had read this many times when my husband first got re married. I thought well, if you really want to be like the prophet then you should wait till your first wife dies, then become polygamous, because that was how the prophets life went. What’s wrong with them just saying it’s what I want, and it’s permissible. If Allah gives the man more wives, then He does. It’s quite simple really.

    You spoke about promise’s. I always liked the saying ‘a promise is a comfort to a fool’. Obviously I’m talking about a promise from a human being. When I understood that Allah tells us to only trust and have faith in Him, I was like, ya see, says it right there. Plain and simple.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2015

    @Musa,

    I want to address something else you said, which was “and watch and see how he gonna want to be with you and do more for you and love you more.” I have known it to happen. What is necessary is for the wife to focus on Allah and want to accept polygamy NOT FOR THE HUSBAND, but because of Allah – to accept what he has made permissible for men (and women to marry married men).

    I cannot emphasize enough that it’s not about pleasing the husband or pleasing a wife. It’s about seeking the good pleasure of Allah. When we turn to Allah, He turns His creation (husband or wife) to us. When we turn to His creation (a husband or wife), Allah turns the creation (husband or wife) away from us. Yes, it’s a reality that when some men marry again and their first wives try to accept the situation to seek Allah’s good pleasure, the marriage improves and gets way better than it ever had been. Allah rewards those who do good. It’s about Allah, not about the husband or wife.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2015

    Brother Musa, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    As you stated, sisters should not blame the brothers for having polygamous feelings. A woman who knows that Allah places feelings in the heart should know that Allah gave the husband feelings for other women for whatever reason. A woman who has that knowledge of Allah won’t blame her husband for his feelings. I’m not taking away accountability. Each and everyone of us is STILL accountable to Allah for ourselves.

    Whether a woman loves her husband or not has to do with whether Allah has placed love in the spouses hearts for one another. We can’t place it there. So, to say a woman or man should love the husband or wife – well, it’s on Allah whether they do or don’t.

    I try to encourage women to put their faith and trust in Allah. You mentioned wives having faith, trust and hope in their husbands. The women who do so will get hurt. Allah never said that a spouse should have faith, trust or hope in another spouse. He says those who trust should put their trust in Allah. We should have faith in Allah. Human being are exactly that – human beings – we can’t trust them for anything. We shouldn’t have faith in a human being. Only Allah’s promises are true. Allah says in the Holy Quran that we cannot bring any good or harm to ourselves unless He wills it. It’s why no one should make promise, as they don’t have the power to keep promises. They only do what Allah scripted. No one knows the future.

    When we put emphasizes on serving and worshiping Allah and take our focus off the spouse, We will have a good, peaceful, tranquil life with our spouses, as we will be good people and do good deeds. When we please Allah, He has us do good. He rewards us with good. Those who deserve good will receive good from us. If a wife serves and worship Allah, she will do good to her husband, if he’s deserving of good (Allah decides) and vice versa.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2015

    I think we should place emphasis on Allah. We should accept polygamy, as Allah addresses polygamy in the Quran as a form of marriage for us. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who is one our examples (all the Prophets Allah mentions in the Quran are our example) was monogamous at one stage in his life and after his wife past away,( after 25 years of marriage to Khadijah who was 15 years older than he was) he became polygamous. It lets us know that monogamy and polygamy are both good wholesome ways of marriage. The one is not better than the other.

    What’s most important is that a woman accepts both ways of life and don’t reject polygamy because she dislikes it. We should like what Allah likes. She should like polygamy as a form of marriage whether Allah places her in a polygamous marriage or not. She should like polygamy as a form of marriage, if Allah places her in it, as well. If she has some other reason to divorce her husband other than polygamy, then perhaps she should go with the divorce. If she doesn’t have any other reason for divorce, is polygamy a legitimate reason to divorce? No woman is better than the “Mothers of the Believers”. If polygamy was good enough for them, it’s good enough for the average woman.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2015

    @Brother Musa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s always good to hear from you my brother. Thank you much for taking time to speak with us all and for expressing your views to us. I much appreciate it.

    You made some very good points that I’d like to elaborate on. You said it should not matter whether a husband has 1,2,3 or 4 wives, if she’s on her deen. I agree with you. Everyone needs to understand that it takes time for women to get to the point of accepting polygamy as a part of our way of life. The natural tendency is to reject what is foreign to us and what we don’t want. Sister’s first inclination is to begin to come up with EXCUSES such as: The brother aren’t like the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH); Allah says only one if can’t be fair and just; he doesn’t have the money; my kids will suffer. An interesting excuse is he should have lowered his gaze. Well did he lower his gaze when he married the first wife? The same way he got with the first wife, he’s likely to do the same or similar to get with the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. Women can marry married men, which means they are going to get together some way or another.

    I agree with what Lynn said; it doesn’t matter how he got with the other wife, whether it was haram or lawful. What’s important is that he repented to Allah (feels remorseful and INTEND not to do it again), asks Allah’s forgiveness and mercy. We all sin and will continue to sin. It’s a matter of whether we recognize our behavior as sin, want to do right, make our intention to do right and most of all turn to Allah for his forgiveness and mercy.

    We all must learn a new way of life.

  • Musa

    February 4, 2015

    Asa Sis ANA and my respected sisters in Islam. I’m very happy to read you guys stories coming to the acceptance of what Allah wishes and wants will be done Qadaralihi wamashallah. This is not to taunt the women it’s to take care and love our women. But sisters must realize it’s not to hurt you at all it’s to keep you deening. Does it matter if you are 1,2,3,4, if you are on your Deen? I think if you really love Allah and His Phrophet saw you should love your husband because he is following The Holy Phrophet ,,,,that simple. But husbands should not be the blame for having polygamous feelings and go about it the right way. A wife should love the honest husband instead of the dishonest husband. I like being. Honest to my wives. I tell them I left Moma house a LONG time ago. Lol. But I understand women want to feel special and one and only and I can respect that but we still must remember Islam is our way of life the covering the vail the hijab, this is our way we choose to follow, I don’t think a husband wants to knock his wife out with that news he’s really afraid and ashamed of being accepted from her even the community at the masjid. Believe me for another sister running another sister away who really need a husband is haram it’s not good or not right, it shows me that this behavior shows no trust hope or faith in her husband, don’t get me wrong some husbands are terrible Men and I concer with that ,,doing sisters very bad and jumping to the next that’s a bad thing to do because that sister will always be hurt and hate polygamy and maybe Islam partially and secretly. But my sisters you are the most important people in the world , maybe brothers don’t understand that but I do and I’m educating my brothers about how important you are and how important it is for us Muslims to get along and work toghter .,, every last one of us need someone to love. So sisters look in the mirror and say and know that Allah has giving you a husband to do you right not wrong and if he make a mistake address it like adults but don’t beat up on the brother for trying be like Phrophet Muhammed in that lite of marrying more sisters,,, encourage it I dare you , and watch and see how he gonna want to be with you and do more for you and love you more all because you encourage him to be a muslim Man not Kafir Man… Asa your brother MusaKaleem

  • anabellah

    February 3, 2015

    @Lynn, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Hear, Hear, It my motto as well, “Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. The way to go! Winking Thumbs up

  • Lynn

    February 3, 2015

    Assalammualaikum :)

    Marie&Ana – that’s exactly what I went through. I was shouting at him thru the phone … “divorce me! divorce me! ” & days and weeke later hubby was behaving so crazy and violent the mention of the word “divorce” and cried on his prayer mat begging me not to cause any harm to Ma P.

    It’s so different now. Polygamy has made me much stronger, independent and closer to Allah.

    What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger!

  • anabellah

    February 2, 2015

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    What you wrote brought tears to my eyes. In fact, it made me outright cry, like boo hoo. You captured the experience so eloquently and exactly. You wrote what I think just about every woman who is in a polygamous marriage and wants to accept Allah’s decisions has gone through. A woman can feel her husband’s love more while going through it and to see the hurt the husband is feeling, as well, is soooo very painful for a wife to watch. It’s painful for the husband and the wife and it brings the two together in a very special way, in just wanting to do whatever it takes to try to take the pain away for each other. Allah decreed polygamy for the husband, as well as for the wife, regardless of how it all comes about. It’s beautiful to look back on the experience, looking at the early days and the beginning stage. I wouldn’t want my life to change one iota from what it was. There are mega benefits in having gone through it. It’s awesome. It’s makes one see the world through different eyes.

  • Marie

    February 2, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Alison, Ana. Yes, I think most women at the beginning of polygamy have screamed at the top of their lungs “why did you do this to me” followed by “you don’t love me” my hubz just didn’t know what to do while I was at that stage, he held me so tight saying he didn’t know, and doesn’t know what to do, that he wanted his wife back (not the crazy, unreasonable woman I was being).

    I was just thinking Ok, so the woman blames the husband and/or his new wife. What then? Where do you go from that? Continue to blame blame blame and stay that way as Mrs m mentioned. At some point you have to move forward. For me, the look in my hubz eyes as I crumbled and broke, smashed and threw everything in sight, was the first eye opener that this was not a man who didn’t care, his intention was not to hurt me. From their I made dua to Allah, that I had given up, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t have an answer, I NEEDED guidance, understanding, comfort. And I knew Allah was the only One who could help. Funny thing is never wanted my hubz to divorce his other wife and I didn’t want a divorce. I wanted to accept what Allah had willed, I wanted to increase my faith and have a pure heart. If it wasn’t for Allah giving me polygamy, I never would have known what I needed to fix. I’m truly thankful for that. I can’t really describe to feeling of peace after the storm of polygamy, I think it’s something one has to feel for themselves.

  • anabellah

    February 2, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello to everyone, this lovely Monday. Snow flakes are falling where I am on the planet and we had some snow yesterday, as well.

    @alison,

    You sure have moved a million steps quickly. How good you must feel I’m glad you pointed out that the blame game occurs at the beginning of being in a polygamous marriage, which is true. The sad part is some people remain in that stage. They never progress.

    Some women leave polygamy and still continue to blame. They stay in the first stages of polygamy, while no longer in it. They blame their ex-husbands, people who believe in polygamy, Islam etc. You name it, they blame it. It’s sad that they continue to hurt even while out of a polygamous lifestyle. One only has to listen to their dialogue. They still talk about polygamy and can’t move on. They are haunted by polygamy while they were in it and while out of it. How sad for them.

    @Mrs M,

    Thank you for letting me know you can relate to the article and that it is an accurate assessment of what occurs. I much appreciate your feedback. I try to write based on what I know, my experiences and, of especially, what I know from reciting the Holy Quran. You sound to be a likeable person.

  • Mrs M

    February 2, 2015

    Subhanallah that article makes a lot of sense.
    l lived in this situation with people going through all of this for a very long long time and this article is spot on. Exactly what was going on.
    Not even slightly different…it can be a nightmare and only being closer to Allah can help in anyway. The blaming doesn’t do anything except cause more problems later on. The previous anger at the husband eggs on the anger that will come later.
    Its a constant whirlpool, it all goes round and round with no way out…
    It feels like its right to blame the husband, but doesn’t help. It doesn’t do anything. Its a very sad situation to be in. Subhanallah. Alhumdolilah there is peace now. This place is really good, right when l NEEDED to understand the workings of polygamy l came here and it helped. Alhumdolilah

  • alison

    February 2, 2015

    Thanks for this I can relate to this in the first stages alhamdulilah I am past that and realize it was meant to be and all the hurt was me causing myself. Thanks to this blog I moved a million steps in such a short time

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2015

    I think most wives who never expected to live a polygamous lifestyle, but one day find themselves in a polygamous marriage can relate to the above thread/post in one way or another.