Wives Compare themselves to Co-Wives

wives compare themselves to co-wives

Wives compare themselves to co-wives in polygamous marriages, which is quite common. Wives with polygamous husbands compare themselves to each other all the time. They try to find out if they are better than the other wives. Is she prettier, thinner, sexier, wealthier, more intelligent or better educated than the other? Those are questions that she asks herself. She may ask her friends and family what they think about it, as well.

A wife will try to find areas where she excels the other wife. The average woman who has a polygamous husband generally will make the comparison. I’m not trying to excuse it, nor find fault in the wife. I just want all to know that it’s what wives do.

Basically, after the wife gets over the shock of knowing her husband has become polygamous, she begins to make the comparison. In the beginning, she may have self-doubt. Her self-confidence is at an all time low. Furthermore, she begins to wonder whether she lacks something that caused her husband to marry another woman. She needs something to help her feel better about herself.

Wives compare themselves to co-wives and say insulting things about them

For instance, a wife has been known to say the other is ugly, unattractive, old, fat or uneducated. Although, they know it’s not good to say such things, they say it anyway. We all know that we should say what is good or say nothing at all. Yet, they belittle or demean the other wife. A point often overlooked is that Allah made the co-wife the way that she is. Many wives compare themselves to co-wives and end up wronging their own souls in the course of it.

Most of the time we know when we’ve done something wrong without needing anyone to tell us. It could be something a wife is working on to improve herself. No one knows what another is struggling with and trying to change. After all, we all make mistakes. We all sin, which is a fact. We will continue to make mistakes and out-rightly sin till the end of our time.

Yet, it’s important that we realize the errors of our ways. Additionally, we need to ask Allah to help us to stop doing the things that we do wrong. We should repent and know that Allah is an Oft-Forgiveness and Most Merciful God.

It’s important that we ask Allah for His Forgiveness and Mercy. We may continue to do the same thing over and over, but know that improvement is possible. One day, lo and behold, Allah may make it happen. Suddenly, we stop doing something we have known wasn’t right. It’s something that we wanted to stop doing for a long time. A wife may find that eventually she doesn’t compare herself to her co wife any longer.

Wives compare themselves to co-wives in polygamous marriages, as they want to know which one their husband loves more

A wife wants to know who her husband loves the most. Who is his favorite wife? We know a husband will have one, and a wife wants to know who it is.

Maybe Allah tests a wife with a co-wife to let her see what she needs to improve about herself. He tests us for us to see who is best in conduct. We mustn’t despair but turn to Allah for help to overcome our faults, as we all have them. What we do about our faults matters.

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69 Comments

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    Maryam,

    Nice reminder and super important! Thank you!

  • Maryam

    January 7, 2017

    I just read this:

    Beware of jealousy, for verily it destroys good deeds the way fire destroys woods – Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)

    Good to remember when we start thinking about the other wife (wives)

     

  • Maryam

    January 7, 2017

    Concerned

    I am a logical thinker, can also be very emotional, but I have a strong believe in when I’m not happy in a situation I must change this. This can be by real actions but also by changing my thinking or way of life.

    I do believe women will accept the 2nd wife situation because of the reasons you mentioned.

    When I have a bad time I really don’t know why he is marrying again.  I end up in circles: why doesn’t he just want to divorce me, his answer is he cannot live without me, he loves me. So then comes the question when he cannot live without me and he loves me so very much why is he marrying another woman. He can do this all because he wants kids?, then I’m not that important to him as he wants me to believe.

    All I know is he had difficult last 2  years with the pressure from family and friends why not marrying again and why he waits so long to have children with somebody else. 

    He has to go to his city many times alone, because it’s too hot for me there and the house he had was very bad. So for sure his family and friends like to see him there with a wife and kids, like they live their lives. It’s normal for them that he marries again for children.

    And this ‘talking’ in his city will never stop. 2 years ago was the first time he told me that ‘people’ did ask him why he didn’t take a 2nd wife to have children. This talking is eating him up. Also when I go to his city, but also here where I live, the women ask me everytime about this, if I saw doctors, if everything with my husband is okay etc etc. They have no idea how painful these questions are.

    He asked me about him marrying again on the first day of me having period again. He also told me the last 5 years were very difficult because we cannot have children. 

    I don’t know, but I am sure if we had children this would never had happened. 

    And indeed I think nobody can know what you feel unless you are in the same situation, so for sure a man cannot understand this. The pain I could push away before because I was happy with my husband and it was the life given to me like this, this pain is beyond words now everytime when I see families and mothers with childeren, knowing the families around me are all nice together in their houses. I can start to cry in the street when I see this. And what the hurts most is that, also when he knows this, he goes on with it. This I will not tell him, what’s the point from this, it will make him maybe unhappy and it will not change something.

    But then okay if I told him please not to go marry again when he asked me this, then what? We both are unhappy because not having children, I will always think about what I took from him. Everytime when he goes to his city all these people nagging and everytime he comes back with a headache from this. And what if he becomes sick and he dies I will never forgive myself for being so selfish, for not giving him the chance to have children with somebody else. 

    That’s my logical thinking again. I still have very bad times, don’t get me wrong, it is really like what they say it is a rollercoaster of feelings but I don’t know I don’t want something like this make me unhappy, again I have the choice to leave him.

    I will give him the chance, if I can handle it that’s fine, if not I will be happy again, also without him. I’m a strong woman.

    Their marriage will eventually also be routine and I don’t care if she wants to talk bad about me or wants me to look bad, I will not do the same, and when my husband will believe her, he is, again, not worth my love. Then I believe Allah did open my eyes and I will be grateful for that.

     

  • Concerned

    January 5, 2017

    Maryam 

    You seem to be going the same way I did. You have a very logical, straight down the line approach. It helps,but sometimes thinking this way can give you a headache. Whoever said sense was common, is a liar. Because sometimes mens and womens reasons for wanting polygamy are far from logical and its asif sense completely departed from them. I concluded and settled on the fact that men marry more than one woman simply because they want to. I haven’t found any evidence to suggest that a man needs any other reason than that. 

    You might think that women who marry married men actually want polygamy, that they are happy to share a husband. In most cases this couldn’t be further from the truth. Dont ask me why women who do not want to share a husband opt for polygamy. I went through a few possibilitys. They REALLY want a husband and theres no other men available  (its extremely unlikely, but still a possibility), they thought the husband would divorce his current wife and in the end wouldn’t have to share or they are mentality immature. I replaced “lack of intelligence” with mentality immature because my husband constantly reminds me that I cant call someone unintelligent because they didn’t know something that they hadnt learned yet. I liken it to an incident with one of my sons when he was around 5 years old. He didnt understand why his toy (that requires batterys) wouldn’t work after he submerged it in water (in the bathtub) he hadn’t learned that electricals and water dont mix. 

    I know you want your husband to understand your feelings etc, but it takes time and observation. I just couldn’t get it that my husband didnt get it that polygamy is hard for most women, its probably the toughest thing a woman can go though. He didnt really get it till years after he became polygamous. He said the strongest thing to me, which was “he didnt know” iv heard it a lot from polygamous men. I remember saying to him, your telling me that you didnt know sharing a husband is hard for women, the fact that I was very emotional when you told me and in the months leading up to the marriage I cried and was angry and distant was no indication to you whatsoever. Then he hit me with the truth, he said im emotional about all sorts of things, stupid things, things that for what he can see is bo reason to be upset or angry. I asked for examples. He said, I cried when our son had his first haircut, I cried at movie/films when their not even real, I get angry at random things, especially when im on my period, so how is he supposed to know when im being serious, he said hes seen this behaviour all his life from women and that they (men) cannot take a womans reaction to situations as an indication of anything,except a woman being her crazy ass self. So basically it took him years to know im being serious because women are too emotional. I cant argue there. 

    I think your intention to be a better person/muslim is the best thing. I think polygamy actully introduced me to myself. Ana is right in one way, the anticipation can be harder than them being married. I like to just get things done as quickly as possible. I actully had to push my husband into setting a date, they was taking waaaay to long. I was like ‘just get married already’ 

  • Maryam

    January 5, 2017

    Thank you ummof4 https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Maryam

    January 5, 2017

    Thank you Ana. There is much written on this issue.

    Indeed one of it said this: 

    The cleric then said that in another hadith, Muhammad said a woman should be married for one of four reasons: 1) her beauty, 2) her lineage, 3) her wealth, and 4) her piety.

    However, argued the cleric, it is impossible to find all four traits in one woman.  That is why a Muslim man, who deserves the best that womanhood can offer, is permitted to have four wives—ideally, one that represents each of the four aforementioned traits sought after in women.

     

    Reading this I think a woman should be able to marry more than 4 man LOL.

  • ummof4

    January 5, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Maryam, if you love your husband and he loves you, and you both love Allah and try your best to obey and serve Allah correctly, you’ll be okay.  Alhamdulillah, you and your husband have the type of relationship that he told you of his impending marriage.  He did not just divorce you because you could not have children, which shows how much he cares about you.  I have known of husbands to divorce their wives for that reason, completely forgetting that in the Qur’aan Allah says that he gives children to whom He wills.

    Yes, you will have good days and bad days.  We are here for you as support, so drop by whenever you feel the need.

    Allah Akbar!

  • Maryam

    January 5, 2017

    Thank you Ana https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    With putting my trust in Allah and the help of my beautiful sisters I can do this in sha Allah.

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Maryam,

    You asked, “what are honest reasons for a man to marry more than one wife.”

    I don’t think I’d have enough information to write a post/theme/article about it, but I will consider it. Thank you for the suggestion. It’s very helpful.

    I think the answer to your question is quite simple. We know that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) married a virgin, young women, older women, widows and divorcees. So, that encompassed a variety of women, which should let us know that all women with the required criteria are okay to marry.

    Basically, the same reason he married the first woman would be a good reason for him to marry a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. Why would the 2nd, 3rd or 4th need a special reason for him to marry and the 1st didn’t? Of course Allah lets us know in the Quran that we shouldn’t marry for lust. It’s not a good reason for a man to marry a woman for no other reason than he wants to do her.

    It’s best that a man marries the virtuous ones among him. A man marries a woman for a number of reasons such as: her beauty, her social status, her education, wealth or/and because she’s righteous. The best women to marry are the ones who are most righteous.

    Of course you will hear from many, especially women, that a man should marry a widow, divorcee, an elderly woman or a woman with children etc. They may marry women that fit that description, but they don’t have to. We should be mindful that Allah says in the Quran that a believing man should marry a believing woman, and a believing woman should marry a believing man. Furthermore, he says:

    “Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all, and he knoweth all things.” Quran: Surah 34, ayah 32

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Maryam, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I appreciate your nice words about the post 🙂 Alhumdulliah!

    I know it’s a difficult time for you right now, knowing that your husband will marry another. You may find that it gets better once they are married oppose to you anticipating it. The anticipation could cause more anxiety than actually dealing with it once it happens. You may have experienced expecting the worse about something and then when it happened, you said, something like, oh, that wasn’t as bad after all. I’m not saying that being in a polygamous marriage won’t be an uphill battle for you, although I wish I could say it to ease your mind. Nonetheless, you can do it and come out a better happier person with the help and guidance of Allah. Don’t despair.

  • Maryam

    January 5, 2017

    Again nicely written Ana.

    I’m wife nr 1, and I have no intention to know anything about nr 2 to-be. When we talk about this I just say ‘her’ or ‘that woman’.

    (for those who don’t know my story, my husband will marry again because I cannot have children)

    For me we are not comparable. She is 10 years younger and it’s her first marriage so everything will be a’s and o’s in the beginning. And how I think about it, she has the choice to marry him as wife nr 2, so if she don’t like it then why marry him? So she must be okay with this. For me I have the choice losing the love of my life or try to cope with it. So in the beginning I will be sometimes sad and she will be all happy times. I told my husband this to make him understand this.

    What I will try to have from all this is to make myself a better person but also being myself. If he doesn’t love me for who I am then he is not worth my love (easier said than to really act upon this though 😉 but it is true)

    I pray to Allah that I will be a blessing for him and he for me.

     

    Haroon it is very interesting to have a man on this blog to hear about his views and reasons on polygamy. But ‘purely for the pleasure for Allah and sunnah’? I think that is very vaguely. But in sha Allah you will make the right choices in life.

     

    To Ana

    what are honest reasons for a man to marry more than one wife. Maybe something for a next subject to write about? 

  • Gail

    October 19, 2015

    Haroon,

    Sorry u r going through a horrible time prayers being sent your way

  • haroon

    October 19, 2015

    Salaams how are you. I am having a hard time please i humbly request for Duas

  • Selma

    May 14, 2015

    Al Salam alaikm hey every one sorry for the late reply I just came from Mecca I went for umrah I hope Allah accepts it I left in April 18 just got back it was beautiful ma sha Allah when u get to the kabba all you hear is people praising Allah and making duua so beautiful.@anna it’s just the way we are I feel me and my husband are growing apart we see things differently we do things differently the way he talks effects my feelings big time especially him knowing I have on my plate a lot with the disabled children and all I feel like sometimes he says things that hurt my feelings and I always have to just swallow and move on and it’s getting really stressful I feel emotionally tortured like sometimes he tells me I’m having sabr for you which he means he’s doing me a favor and sticking for nothing and he is serious about it and there’s other stuff which I feel ashamed to even mention if you have an email Anna that I can try to communicate with you for advice that will be great cause I have no one to talk to except Allah which I find great relief from I don’t like telling my family about my problems well really I don’t like talking about it at all except to a person that will give me good advice instead of making me go even more bazurk which most of the time family members give advice that make u go crazy al hamdallah and jazakm Allah khair

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    @Haroon, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m not sure what you have asked me. Are you referring to the pic of the lady on the top of the page? If you are, I just needed a nice pic to represent the topic of the blog. I thought a pic of a person would be best. Of course, it’s difficult to find a pic that represents all people. It’s impossible. When I saw the pic, I immediately felt compelled to use it as it seems so right. It’s the best I could tell you. If it’s not what you were asking, please clarify for me.

  • Haroon

    April 24, 2015

    Salaam Annabella how are you . No hard feelings but why do you have a heart catching profile picture . Hope its not too personal . I don’t mean it in a bad way .

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @Selma,

    Every marriage comes with ups and downs as you know, since you’re in a monogamous marriage with some issues. You know those in polygamous marriages have issues. What seems to be the problem in yours, if I’m not asking too much from you to answer? Only share as much as you are comfortable with.

  • Haroon

    April 17, 2015

    Selma how are you . Gail has a point but still debatable . Every action has a reaction . What goes up must come down . All because men haven’t learnt how to treat their wives taught to us via quraan and sunnah that’s why we faced with all these challenges . Alhamdulillah Allah has used me as a means to patch up a couple that was once throwing objects at each other and with alot of dua and sadaqa there hearts soften and they took on a path of quraan and learning ahaadith . Until a peson doesn’t have a desire for change it makes matters worse . Bottom line Allah has control over our hearts but we need to play our part as well . Women are not suppose to secure love in a marriage it is her right to be protected and loved . Try and encourage your spouse’s to read as much quraan as possible and leave the rest in the Masters hands . May Allah grant us the understanding . May Allah grant you all comfort .

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Selma,
    I don’t see life as a test but more like School and u r learning.Now this is my personal opinion here and I am NOT saying u r personally doing this u know better than me your thoughts but if lets say a person has anger feelings towards their husband and cowife in their brain then to me there is no difference between blurting it out I feel.Also we r obviously emotional beings and Allah/G.D created us this way.I would say from my own journey that if u have problems with your husband voice your opinions and do not let him brush them away and the same goes with your cowife.If they don’t listen u keep after them until someone does listen.I have learned over the years that when I say no I mean no and thats that.Now can i be persuaded to change my mind u bet but only if hubby gives me a good reason and he has to make it up to me like a dinner out etc.. I am not saying I am keeping score but I want to feel loved and I encourage/make him do it.We all need to feel loved and secure in our marriages.Sorry u r having more downs than ups.

  • Selma

    April 15, 2015

    Al Salam alaikm @ haroon I apologize brother for the harshness yes I’m the only wife but We have more downs than ups I was taking out the way I feel because of my situation and other negative situations I’ve seen but you know wat life is a test and I’m trying very hard to play out my role as peaceful as possible so I can pass this test ala Allah and I will make dua for you In sha Allah and Jazak Allah khair for the dua we muslimeen are in a state in need of as much dua as possible

  • Haroon

    April 14, 2015

    Salaam Annabella ,selma and thank you for all the advice May Allah grant all of you’ll and all of the ummah strength happiness courage and lots and lots of love for you’ll spouses with alot of barakah, and please remember me in you’ll pious duas and the ummah . Hope i get to practice polygamy the proper way someday Insha Allah .

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    @Haroon, As Salaamu Alaikum my brother 🙂

    What’s happening with you, if you don’t mind me asking. If you have any questions for us, fire away with them. It’s nice you’re still here with us.

    I wish there was something I could tell you as to how to go about finding a good woman for a second wife. The best I can say is pray to Allah to give you a wife who is righteous and the delight of your eyes. Allah will either give you one or not, but He is the One to ask. He can say “Be” and it then “IS”. He has the Power to do it.

  • Haroon

    April 11, 2015

    From your previous reply you used the words pig and dog just thought you might have had bad experiences. But thanx for the advice and request for sincere duas for the entire mankind .

  • Selma

    April 10, 2015

    @haroon Salam Alaikum brother I’m the only one in sha Allah and why did u ask that?

  • Haroon

    April 10, 2015

    Selma are you wife 1 or wife 2

  • Selma

    April 7, 2015

    @haroon I’m from Yemen but born n raised in USA I go there sometimes so I see families in polygamy well in Yemen it’s very easy to become polygamist and men are loving the situation but the gossip is horrible and then u get these really nasty men going around bragging about the second I find it really discusting only for the men to go home and tell there wife’s and the wife’s take it to the lady who is the first wife making it really hard on the older wife.polygamy can only be practiced correct is with a real man not a little pig or dog wich a lot of men these days are sorry but that’s the truth today.im not referring to you I mean the situations I know about so far.

  • Haroon

    April 7, 2015

    Thank you selma for advice , where are you from .

  • Selma

    April 3, 2015

    Salam@haroon brother absolutely Allah has given men the right to remarry but what can we do from the problems that come with it especially these days who ever goes and gets married you would hear the gossip oh he doesn’t want the first anymore she’s not doing this or that she’s not good enough that happens in Islamic country’s very unfortunate but what is to do .it makes it very tough for the first wife in these surroundings and another thing brother if it is written with Allah for you to remarry you will no matter what and it will be easy.i wanted to tell in your reference that Allah gave you permission for more wife’s cause he knows men.yes indeed Allah gave that permission and he also warned about if unable to be just just stick with one meaning if your not gonna be just control your desire and stick with what you have because wife’s are trusts permitted for men from Allah and a breathing trust.and jazak Allah khair for the duua be patient what ever is written will happen and the time will be made easy for you in sha Allah

  • Haroon

    April 2, 2015

    Shukran for the advice . I think I’ll just back off for now and hope someday something might come up. As i said I’m not going to do this out of desperation ,just would have had the priveledge to also act on the verse of the quraan ( i know that sisters out there might think is that the only verse i could find ) but truly speaking Allah knows best as to the creation of men and the love of what’s inside his chest it’s why the permissability has been given the green light . I’m in south Africa and the idea of polygamy doesn’t gell too well here . From a mens point of view my sympathy goes to the second wife if things were done secretly and an award for courage to the first wives for facing this huge hurdle and seeking Allahs help to iether accept or to make inner peace with themselves . May Allah grant you all high stages in the hereafter and ultimately Jannatul firdose . Aameen

  • Selma

    April 1, 2015

    @haroon brother I’m sorry for scaring you but I’ve seen it I mean polygamy I’ve seen females die and come back to life and unless you have a good shield of patience and can block your emotions or else your gonna go crazy too what I’m trying to say here is don’t have your hopes to high up its gonna cause too much disappointment for and you could change from mr nice to mr mean because of the stress so think correctly don’t think like it’s gonna be like the marriages of the prophet cause most likely it won’t be like that first because those ladies were high in faith and patience and they were married to a man that reminded them of heaven always and it was clear from his marriages that was his real aim heaven cause the women he married were old widows with children except for Ayesha .now with women these days we are like huhh he is not attracted to me any more or he wants a hotty and you know what that thinking brings jealousy and jealousy is hard to control basically it’s torture .listen brother have a chatt with your wife a real one and let her know that you really mean to become polygamist and you are considering and you would like her to take part in the search so the new lady won’t think it’s her little fairy tale so she’ll know your family matters and you are marrying to be one whole big family and see what works out from there and by the way wear are you from if you don’t mind.

  • Haroon

    March 31, 2015

    Reason maybe why they want secret nikaahs could be weakness of Imaan . Iether shy or afraid of what family or the community might say . (I’m only assuming that this might be the reason ) and Allah knows best . Ma’assalaam

  • Haroon

    March 31, 2015

    Shukran for real advice and the rollercoasters and the coffee and the headache pills (is it that frightening ) i sit and wonder and can’t help but to blame us (men) for not displaying and immitating the illustrious lives of the Prophet (SAW) and His companions . The formula to successful polygamy has already been taught to us but we keep making amendments to the invention of the wheel . It is sad yet so true that to get respect we need to give respect and we (men majority ) failed hopelessly that without giving we only want . Real authority is the laws of Allah and His Rasool (SAW) and all that’s short in our lives is the desire to be obedient . It’s not fair for a men to muscle up on the wife and expects her to just swallow anything he throws at her just because he is the husband and Allah wil question him about his deeds . Alhamdulillah my wife gets all the attention and respect she deserves and with the help of Allah she will soften and if Allah wills it I’d like to lead by way of eexample rather than by words and i firmly believe the way this will work with the wives as sisters and attending functions together is by humbling ourselves and treat a wife in a manner where Islam has kept her position. I sincerely request for duas and may Allah protect us all from the deciept of shaytaan .

  • Selma

    March 30, 2015

    @haroon uuummh yes brother I could not help it but to give you some real advice if you do decide to enter polygamy get ready to lose half of your head hair.its definitely not shopping together it’s more like riding on a rollercoster up side down especially for the beginning get a pack of head ache pills ready.your in for the ride of your life.wake up and smell the coffee your wife is just behaving now your bound to see another side so prepare for that hey maybe I could be wrong but the chances are very slim you should be asking for real advice if you really cared like how do I go about what do I say to her or how do I deal with the different emotions that are bound to come out but it seems your just in dream land too.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2015

    @Haroon,

    If you don’t mind me asking, what excuse have these 20 or so candidates given you for wanting to be secret second wives.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2015

    @Haroon,

    Let me see. You asked, “If you were a second wife what would be a valid excuse for secrecy.” There is no valid excuse for secrecy. Marriage is supposed to be publicized. On the other hand, there are occasions when the general public doesn’t need to know the husband is polygamous. For instance, there is no need for a person’s employer or co-workers to know, if it’s not a Muslim business or establishment. There is no reason family members and very close friends shouldn’t know the husband is polygamous. A husband’s wives should all know about one another. The children should know. Islam and polygamy is nothing to be ashamed of. We have to lose that mindset where we are ashamed of our religion – way of life.

    You’re asking a lot for wives to go shopping together and attend affairs together. Most wives married to the same man dislike one another and I will take it a step further and say some abhor one another. Hate is a strong word, but some hate too. You’re dreaming if you think you’re going to get a couple wives that do those type of things together. Don’t get me wrong; there are some wives who the husbands have living all together and they have no choice, but to do all that you speak of. There probably are some that do it with sincerity. The majority don’t.

    I don’t think anyone should do anything for show. We hear men say they want to marry for the deen and to help the sisters. Well, then, marry a woman with children that has no shoes. As I said in the other post, marry a widow from Iraq who is in a war torn country where there is no electricity etc. Marry an older divorcee from Pakistan who is ostracized due to her divorce. Marry an unattractive sister who no one wants to marry. Otherwise, just say you want a second wife because Allah permits it and seek out the woman of your desires. Leave the rhetoric behind.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2015

    @Haroon, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I must apologize to you. You wrote when I was on vacation and I intended to respond once I got home. I’m glad you wrote in again. I think I may have missed responding to a one or two more people as well, unintentionally.

    In your first post you said you were looking for a second wife, but the candidates want to be secret. I’m surprised because from what I’ve read here on this blog, no woman wants to be a secret. They come here complaining that they are secrets, and don’t want to be or they don’t want to be, but their intended says it’s the only way he could marry her. The man gives all kinds of excuses for the potential wife to be a secret, such as: the wife has mental problems; she can’t function without him; she’ll leave and take the kid; he can’t live without his kids; she won’t give him sex and blah, blah, blah.

    I believe your wife thinks you’re joking. Some women think their husbands are not the type that would want to live polygamy. It never crosses the wives minds that their husband would want to marry another. When it happens, it’s a mind blowing experience for them.

    It’s very admirable of you that you won’t consider having a secret marriage. Your current wife deserves better than that. Secret marriages are not our way – Islam.

    We can’t recommend anyone for you. We’ve had similar requests here. Some are to me by way of email. Most women don’t want to be a part of polygamy. Women don’t come here saying they are down with getting with a married man. Most women prefer to have a husband all to herself. They want the fairytale.

    About doing things purely for Allah and sunnah??? Allah knows best. Are you sure you’re not interested in it for some personal gain? I don’t know how marrying another would be to seek the good pleasure of Allah unless you are looking for a widow in war torn Iraq or a homeless sister with some kids living in the shelter…

  • Haroon

    March 30, 2015

    If you were a second wife what would be a valid excuse for secrecy . Shopping should be done with both wives attending functions with both wives only then Will we see taste and experience the sweetness of what our Prophet (SAW) has taught us . It would allow our Ibadaah the full concentration it deserves . And by way of example to display as best as possible the sunnah and not create a mockery to ourselves and to our lovely Deen that has come with alot of sacrifice and its the right thing to do .

  • Rabiabint

    March 26, 2015

    @ Haroon

    Have you asked the women why they would want a secret marriage? Could it be that they don’t want to hear criticism from their family and peers?

  • Haroon

    March 21, 2015

    Salaam very interesting posts . I am looking for a second wife and by now probably been in contact with more than 20 candidates . The problem I’m having is that they all want secret nikaahs which i refuse to do and my wife thinks I’m joking and never takes me serious could you kindly advice and maybe recommend someone who is willing to do things in line with the teaching of our Deen and not afraid of going public with marriage . I am now 40 and looking for for a second wife ( not desperately ) but to do things purely for the pleasure of Allah and sunnah

  • Rahma

    March 20, 2015

    Assalaam alaykum all,

    Thank you all so much for the replies. It really feels good to know other women know what I’m going through and it is a relief to be able to spit it all out without being judged.
    Thank you Marie for your comment, it does make sense that one should consider it her own journey and not to focus on the other wife/wives.
    My husband just recently got married but there were no marital relations until now, and it already made me feel so lonely, worthless and abandoned.
    I am terrified to think about how I will feel once “it” all really happened.
    May Allah give us all strenght to pass out tests.

  • Mari2

    March 19, 2015

    Sr Rhama,
    Yes despite the “knowing”, the reality is very much hurtful. I know that. I knew. I thought I was prepared, but the actuality of it all floored me emotionally. His marriage to another and subsequent marital relations with another broke something inside me, deeply. I feel like sometimes I have to scrape myself off the ground. Does my husband love me? Yes. Do I love him? Absolutely. But something inside me has shifted. A small, albeit, tiny crack in the atmosphere. An imperceptible shift in how I view him as a husband. A tiny sigh of discontent when he asks for something. Just a slight breeze at first, shaitain’s breath upon my neck.

  • ummof4

    March 19, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello everyone,

    Rahma welcome to the blog and welcome to the challenging life of polygyny. Just keep remembering Allah and try your best to obey Him in all that he has ordered us to do or not to do. And you do not know if your co-wife is handling polygyny better than you. Either you just think so or your husband is telling you so. Whatever the case, try to let it go and just be your best self that you can be.

    Everyone remember ALLAHU AKBAR!

  • Marie

    March 18, 2015

    Rahma. Welcome to the blog, I glad you joined us.
    I learned not to judge myself based on what other people are doing, I began to judge myself based on quran and how much I had progressed. I actually had no real proof of how my co was handling polygamy. And in the end it didn’t matter, this was MY journey. Things got better day by day, I read more, remembered Allah more.

    I think we get tired of our emotional rollacoaster quicker than our husbands. Don’t be hard on yourself. Allah is the most merciful.

    Again I’m glad you joined us. Marsh’Allah

  • anabellah

    March 18, 2015

    Rahma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome! I’m glad You joined us and wrote in 🙂

    It sounds you have a good husband who is patient and understanding. Dont feel badly about how you’re handling things. You’re way NORMAL. You can’t escape the roller coaster ride. It’s one you’ll remember in years to come. You’ll probably be surprised you ever got off it, but will be happy you did. You can do this thing. You must make Allah first in your life to get the peace and contentment you need to make it through.

    @Everyone,

    Insha Allah, everyone is good. I know I’ve missed writing to some and I have more to say to others I’ve written to. I’ll catch up When I get back home the weekend.

  • Bibi

    March 18, 2015

    Wa alaikum salaam rahma welcome my dear sister. The beginning stages are the worst in my opinion. It takes major acceptance, perseverance and patience. But many here have been there, are there, getting through it and done it. Stick around and I’m confident you’ll find the solace your heart is seeking.

  • Rahma

    March 18, 2015

    Assalaam alaykum all,

    I have been reading along for some time now. My husband recently got married again and although we had discussed it before, it is still very hurtfull and confusing from time to time.

    Marie, when I read your post it hit me; I compare myself to my cowife in terms of who is handling polygyny the best as well; I am giving my husband a hard time by confronting him with the emotional rollercoaster I am in, while my co seems perfectly fine with the situation.
    My husband must be tired of me by now…

  • Bibi

    March 17, 2015

    Farah I’m watery eyed and on utter shock after reading your post. Why are you remaining in such a marriage. It’s so unhealthy for you and your children. Are you afraid to be financially unstable? If so, know that our Rizq is our rizq. What’s meant for us NO one can intercept it and what’s not meant for us will not come out way no matter the measures you take to retrieve it but to settle for abuse for years is heart wrenching. You need to watch some of those movies where the wives throw boiling grits or water on their abusive husbands. No im kidding. I in no way condone any type of abuse and two wrongs dont make a right.
    The strength to do what you gotta do and what you know is best for you and your 4 children lies within.

  • Farah

    March 17, 2015

    Thank you ana

    But he no longer abuses and he has become overnight a humble person
    I love him dearly and i want our marriage to work
    I only hate the idea of a second wife in the picture

  • anabellah

    March 17, 2015

    @farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Bibi wrote a good post to you on the March thread. I usually write a more in depth post, but am limited as I’m on my phone.

    In a case such as yours in which your husband has been abusive to you, and has divorced you once, it Indicates he is not a Patient and Loving husband. I believe you are with in your right to seek a divorce from him.

    There is no good reason to remain in an unloving and abusive marriage, not even for the sake of the children. The children know you are extremely unhappy and know their dad is not kind to their mother. The children are suffering the same as you are.

    I suggest you begin wworshipingAllah the way He instructs us, if you haven’t been already, and ask Him fot strength, courage and help to leave the marriage if the marriage is not good for you.

    I only encourage women to remain in polygamous marriages that appear to have potential for success – marriages i ehich the women only consider divorce becuz their husbands have exercised a right Allah has given men -polygamy. Your case goes beyond it. Your marriage has serious issues that may warrant divorce.

  • Farah

    March 17, 2015

    Assalamualaikum

    Jazkallah for the reply.
    In December i saw a bbm message “love U’ that caused the whole truth to come out.
    What hurt the most is all the lies…after alot of fights and he giving me 1 talak , i decided to stay.

    I am really unhappy but staying for the sake of my 4 children.I have worked with my husband,we had nothing and now everything alhamdulilah….the second wife i hate her as she knew he was married and we have offices in another city and hence i did not suspect this as he stays 3 weeks with us and 1 week abroard

    I keep comparing and keep saying things and he becomes angry.My husband has tried to change and be loving towards me , i hate him alot and I cannot forgive him.

    I feel he has treated the second wife like a queen and she has been given the best,as he has beaten me alot in our 17years of marriage.

    I really feel very hurt,feel to die but then i remember Allah

    How to survive in this marriage ???

    I have nobody to speak to …i feel very alone.

  • Marie

    March 16, 2015

    The comparing stage for me was slightly different the most. With me being somewhat of a ‘big head’ appearance and personality wise I didn’t think my co had s@it on me. I knew a lot about her and what she looked like and thought well he’s clearly not marrying her because I’m lacking in those areas. It probably would have been easier to handle if he had married for looks. But I began to compare our (me and my co) righteousness, who was the better Muslim. I questioned whether my husband thought she was a better Muslims than me before they married and came to the conclusion that she must be as Allah had given her my husband. I felt she was being rewarded for her obedience and I was being punished. I wanted to know how knowledgeable she was in the religion , if she offered her daily prayers and had the right belief. Instead of fighting for my husbands attention I pushed him away, I felt like I had put to much emphasise on him, gave him too much time. I was sure Allah would have him divorce me for not wanting to share. I didn’t feel like I was handling polygamy very well, which to me was a direct reflection of my lack of faith. My iman took a huge beating. I cried every day to be forgiven for my wrongs and begged for ease. I was more upset that I thought I was a bad Muslim than I was that my husband married again, although that upset me as well I told myself that I wouldn’t be sad about polygamy if I was a good Muslim. Even when I told my husband what was upsetting me so much, he couldn’t help me by saying I’m pretty, or sexy or anything else. Even when he said I was more righteous it didn’t make a difference. My husband isn’t the final judge, he doesn’t determine if I go to paradise or hell. And he can’t help me.
    So there it is, I compared who was a better Muslim and the gage was who was handling polygamy better.

  • Marie

    March 16, 2015

    Farah, welcome to the blog, sorry it’s taken so long for me to welcome and reply to you. I can understand you devastation, I can imagine your replaying 6 years of marriage in your head. Polygany can be very tough and can break a woman down to a point where she doesn’t know which way is up. Things can and do get get better, in time Insha’allah. We have to focus on Allah and realize that our husbands are just mear mortals that sometimes get thing VERY wrong. Your husband has probably hurt you more with his lies and deception than anything else. It’s now time to trust Allah only, only He can ease your pain and bring happiness back into your life. We are all here for you if you want to share anything else.

    Serendipity. Also welcome, my advice would not to be a secret wife. Laila and ummof4 have already let you know that for now you may be fine with the secrecy but sooner of later you will want what Allah has given you the right to, equal time, money and protection. I wouldn’t settle for less than what Allah has decreed for me to be entitled to. Also it’s not fair on his current wife, mental illness or not, she’s still a woman with feelings.

  • Laila

    March 16, 2015

    Serendipity. I am a second wife. All I can share my word of wisdom is, make your husband tell his first wife. Because in the long run these lies won’t benefit you or your future co. Having just a few days instead of a proper schedule can also be depressing. Because initially you would be not bothered and probably settle for what is given to you. However over time, being a married woman and with feelings, you will start resenting just having a “few days”. So get things clear between all parties. Do not allow yourself to be a secret wife. At some point you will want to have children and being a secret wife it will affect the children too. Personally speaking from experience, men will say anything to make it easier on their part to enable the second marriage. Are you really sure she has mental issues? Has she been referred to a professional before? Or is it something that has been concocted by him? Women all go through some form of insanity, either through house chores, work, kids etc… don’t we all at some point go through madness?

  • ummof4

    March 15, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    Farah, welcome to the blog. Please stay with us. We are a group of women who are living a polygynous lifestyle or have lived the lifestyle.
    Your situation is not unique; some husbands feel that not to tell their first wife about the second wife is looking out for the first wife’s feelings. The husband doesn’t realize that to find out weeks, months, or years later, hurts his wife much more than if she knew in the beginning.
    Other husbands have a secret wife because they like the excitement, mystery and intrigue. They enjoy being a man who can please two women without the women knowing about each other.
    Some men keep the second wife a secret from the first; some men keep the first a secret from the second; and some men keep both wives secret from each other. It can work really well if a husband works odd hours or travels a lot on business.
    But Allah reveals everything in due time; which is what happened in your situation. You say you are devastated, and have a right to be. All secret marriages involve lying, and betrayal of trust on some level.
    To give more advice, it would be helpful if you could answer the following questions:
    1. How did you find out about the other wife?
    2. How long have you been married?
    3. Are you planning on staying married?
    Ask Allah for help and strength and you will get through this test,
    In shaa’Allah.
    And stop comparing! He did not leave you when he married her, so for whatever reasons he still wants to be married to you.

  • ummof4

    March 15, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Serendipity, Welcome to the blog. I have a few things for you to think about.
    1. Marriage in Islaam is supposed to be public knowledge. A secret marriage goes against the teachings of Islaam. It could cause problems and nasty rumors against you if people do not know that you and your husband are married. I am surprised that your father would agree to such a marriage, but then I do not know him.
    2. Whether his wife has mental problems or not, she deserves to know about the marriage. And if he has children, they deserve to know as well.
    3. Do you plan to stay a secret wife forever or do you plan to reveal your marriage at some time later? If so, when? What will determine when you will make your marriage public?
    4. If you have a child with your husband and people do not know that you are married, you will look like a slut and your child will be looked at as a bastard with no father.
    5. Based on what I know about secret marriages, there will come a time when you will be tired of being a secret. You will demand that your husband tell his other wife about you, you will tell her yourself, or you will want to divorce your husband because he is ashamed to tell the world that you two are married. This can be prevented by being completely honest in the beginning.
    6. Allah will reveal your marriage at some point. The other new blogger, Farah, just found out about her husband’s other wife after 6 years and is devastated.
    So that’s my advice. Please don’t enter marriage as a secret, regardless of what your potential husband tells you about his other wife and how she will react. You deserve to be acknowledged as a legitimate wife, just as she does.
    Make du’ah, salah, and ask Allah for guidance on this matter. He alone is in complete control of all that happens.

  • selma

    March 15, 2015

    Salam to all @serendipity I see no good in this kind of marriage beware of imitating a mistress it might sound OK in the beginning but afterwards your not gonna like it especially if you start having kids half of your time will be wasted with this guy and a big headache trust me.and this is not an excuse to get married secretly cause of mental issues of the first wife first of all she’s bound to find out today are tomorrow and if the mental issue was a problem hed let her know before so she can absorb reality and feel respected at least he let her know before any thing.second of all your definitely not going to like it when he spends the nights with her and living with her freely and your like a secret and then some men when the second wife after agreeing to be secret than all of a sudden realizes after that she doesn’t feel right and wants to live normal and in the open they get really angry and start to huff n puff.even thoe your dad knows it’s still not good or fair for you so my advice is he needs to tell his wife before hand and demand your equality and rights from him you are going to be his wife.if he can’t do this and man up than he’s not ready for polygamy and you will suffer get it straight from the get go.

  • ruqayyah

    March 15, 2015

    @serendipity I would not for a second believe him. Many men see woman’s emotions as “mental issues” they’d rather say this and make the 2nd give up time and be a secret than face the music and be just from the beginning.

    @far ah hopefully you are given ease soon!!

  • farah

    March 14, 2015

    Salaam I’m new to this group…I’m a first wive recently found out my husband has a second wife for 6 years.im devastated and keep comparing

  • serendipity

    March 14, 2015

    I’m highly considering marrying a married man and wanted some advise. The difference that i have is that his wife will not know about these marriage due to her having mental issues that would’ve make life difficult. This would mean that i will have only a few days with my future husband. We will see each other because our fathers know of the marriage but it obviously won’t be in front of many.
    What advise would you give to me? What pros and cons are there in regards to such a marriage? Please give me your input. I need support not mockery please.
    Thanks

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2015

    @Lina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m happy to hear from you again, my friend 🙂 It’s always nice when our blog family members stop in and make their presence known. It’s good to know everyone is still with us and we’re all making a difference. How very happy you must be to see progress in your marriage. There is light at the end of the tunnel 🙂

    Lina, I like the post/thread too. It was right on time and appropriate. Alhumdulliah that Fajr Lover’s post lit the spark that got us talking about the subject. We definitely are not alone.

    Thank you, Lina, for your kind words and for letting me know the blog is helpful. It’s good to know the blog is fulfilling the purpose it was created for. I like this blog so much because we rarely get many people coming here talking superficial bull crap that sounds good and they think they are supposed to say. No one has a perfect life, let a lone a perfect marriage, so why portray one’s life that way – is what I believe. It helps no one to make believe. It’s why this blog is unique.

  • Lina

    March 10, 2015

    Assalamu`alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

    Dear Ana and all beautiful ladies,

    I love the article, Ana! It’s so true. And, Mari2, I read your comments with smiles as it happens to me as well. I do compare myself with my co-wife in every single thing. I always want to give hubby the best and sometimes wonder if my co-wife do the same! I admit I did say bad things about my co when she also do the same. 🙂 Pity to my hubby as he has to tolerate both “stubborn” wives. When things are okay and my emotions are calm, I began to think about my uncalled words and I apologise to my hubby and my co-wife. But, it’s not end there 😉 it will happen again and again, and I can say during my just one year lives in polygamy, things are getting better that before. (I hope so and pray hard to Allah!).

    I’m thankful to Allah to meet lovely ladies in here where I can relate myself and emotions as it’s difficult to share with my friends who are sometimes give negative comments on polygamy. I feel calm as I’m not alone struggling in understanding my own feelings.

    Thanks Ana for bring us here together so that we could share our unique and “interesting” marriage life and help each other become a better wife and the best servant of Allah. 🙂

    May Allah bless you and everyone here! May Allah give us strength in this battle and grant us Jannah, InsyaAllah!

    Take care all.

  • anabellah

    March 9, 2015

    @Bibi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m glad you like the post. Alhumdulliah! I try to write posts that I think many could relate to and may find helpful.

  • Bibi

    March 9, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum all. I’ve missed all of you tremendously. Thank you Ana for this wonderful post. It made me smile inside about the comparison characteristics of co wives. I compare myself with my co wives but I realise we all have something great about us that the other dosent and that makes us special. That’s what I focus on. Strangely I thought I was the only one. This post and Khadijahs comment inspired me to open up completely because I have something in common with her which is getting along with my two co wives. Of course we have obstacles but we work through them and remain cordial to one another as we all want to make it to Janna and set a positive example for the children. Our husband is unconditionally loving and reminds us daily of Allah and teaches us how to get closer to Him and I love him for that. Khadija your situation sounds very similar to mines. Do you live under the same roof as your co’s like I do?

  • anabellah

    March 9, 2015

    @Khadijah,

    It’s nice you and your co-wives all work together as a team. Alhumdulliah! It’s something we rarely hear of here when discussing co-wives.

    It makes a major difference when all the wives to a polygamous marriage are Muslim. When they are not, then there is no unity and working together. There is no singleness of purpose. Each marriage is separate as thought the husband is living a couple or a few monogamous marriages. It’s not really polygamy so to speak. Yes, it’s polygamy in that the husband has more than one wife, but if a wife is non-Muslim, it’s more that she simply deals with the situation because she wants the man. It’s the same as when non-Muslims get with a married man type situation.

    The husband straddles the fence when married to a Muslim and to a non-Muslim. The Muslim wife has to stay conscious and focused on Allah so she doesn’t go astray.

    Stay grateful to Allah that he has made you a part of a Muslim family with the capability to serve Allah the way He instructs us.

  • Khadijah

    March 9, 2015

    The jinn and Naf’s inside the human will always try to come up with something in your mind. It is how one acts on it, that matters. Allah made each one of us different and if he wrote in your husbands book to have more than one wife,as he wrote in our book to have co-wives. Praise Allah that we were picked to be those wives, yes sometimes it is hard, or sad, or so many other feelings that humans have, but co-wives should work together to make the husband able to provide for the family by keeping the stress down as much as possible. My 2 co-wives are wonderful. Because no matter if we have differences we try to work things out, without putting stress on our husband as he has enough stress just making sure he provides for all 3 of us and the children. Yes each one has something that we wonder does she do this better, but if we get to thinking that way, the bond and strength of the family can fall apart. we each has something different that he likes so why should I compete with my co-wives for this would just mess up the time I get to spend with him. In a marriage with co-wives one does not have time to think about (I) we have to work as a TEAM to make it work. Are there going to be test… the answer is YES. but the more test we are giving the more we know Allah loves us and the higher in Jannah we could be inshallah. we each have weakness and strengths, where one is weak in something the one that is strong takes over, thus a better running and more organized home and less stressful for our husband. One thing I have learned in my life is, if I must give up a right to keep my husband happy Allah will replace that or those rights in Jannah. This dunya is not to live for as it is only temporary.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Very nice post you wrote. One definitely has to admit to faults before one can begin to make improvements in oneself. Allah will help us when we turn to Him for it. I’m waaaay guilty of having compared and of having said some very terrible thing, hurtful things. Insha Allah, I’ll get to the point that I keep my mouth shut unless I have something good to say. I’m not there yet by any means, but I’m aware of what I need to do and I have a strong desire to do it..

  • Mari2

    March 8, 2015

    Great post! I will admit I am a comparison junkie. I compare myself with other women be they in the gym, the supermarket, or just walking down the street. I compare my house with the neighbors, I compare my clothing with that of my co-workers, I compare my decorating style with what I see on television. And, yes I will freely admit I compare myself with M’s wife too. And yes I have done the wrong thing by saying some not very kind things about her as well. And I do feel bad about it. I think that I just compare and pick out an area in which I excel in order to give relief to myself/mind, that she isn’t as perfect as some in family have deigned. It’s an ego protection thing. A self-protection mechanism. And yes it is wrong. Yes, I try to curb it, and I have been doing better. May I continue to look to Allah and do better in this area of weakness of mine.

  • fajr lover

    March 8, 2015

    Wa alaikom as salam anabellah
    A really good post I enjoyed reading it thankyou alhamdolulah.
    I agree it normal human behavior to compare but you know yourself when you swinging to much to the bad mouthing side…. We have to keep our tongues in check its part of sabr.
    Ii would never play second fiddle though if I ever felt unloved and he loved. Liked favoured her more I would just leave them to it no doubt in my mind.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    @fajr lover, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I’m thankful to Allah that you are here, and have been sharing with us. A comment you made inspired me to write the above post/thread. We are not alone in the things we do. We are all very much alike.