Wives Complain about Polygamous Husbands

wives complain about polygamous husbandsSometimes wives complain about polygamous husbands. They say the husbands can’t give them all that they want or need. At polygamy 411, we’ve talked about it. It is easy for one to say that if a husband can’t support them all, he shouldn’t have more than one wife. One should not lose sight of the fact that all that one has comes from Allah. It includes spouses and wealth.

Allah determines what we have and what we don’t have. He gives it to us when he decides. Sometimes we don’t get what we need or what we want when we want it. Perhaps it is a test. Only Allah knows. People struggle with finances in monogamous marriages. They do so in polygamous ones, as well. Moreover, some wives want more material things than their husbands can give them.

I read a story about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that relates to this topic – wives complain about polygamous husbands. I read that his wives at one time weren’t happy with him. They were not happy, as they weren’t getting the material things that they wanted. As a result, they complained to him about it, which caused him to feel bad. Subsequently, Allah revealed an ayah (verse) to him about it. It was as follows, “O Prophet! Say to thy Consorts: If it be that ye desire the life of this World, and its glitter,- then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you free in a handsome manner.” Quran: Surah 33, ayah 28

Wives complain about Polygamous husbands when they think their needs aren’t being met. The wives forget that there are times when we must make sacrifices

We don’t always get what we want when we want it. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had nine (9) wives. Did people tell him that he shouldn’t have all those wives if he can’t give them what they want or need? Don’t forget that Allah selected our spouses for us. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was not a wealthy man. When he was monogamous (when he had only one wife until she died) he was not a wealthy man then either. His wife Khadijah was the one who had the wealth.

A wife should think twice before she pressures her husband about her wants or needs. She should especially think about it when she knows he is doing the best that he can. It’s different, if he has the wealth to spend, yet he won’t take care of his wife. You should know what you are dealing with.

In conclusion, we should think of the Hereafter. We must patiently persevere and sacrifice our wants. It may help to get us into Paradise/Jannah.

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17 Comments

  • Mari2

    December 25, 2015

    Gail,
    She has a birth certificate but her birth wasn’t registered until she was 14. All of her medical and school records and passport list only the father’s name. A census done years ago on the family only listed the sons’ names, not the daughters’. M’s mom sent immigration affidavits from 2 people present at his sis’ home birth, a dozen family photos, letters from teachers of sis attesting to the fact M’s mom is the mom of sister but none of that secondary evidence is documentary enough to prove a relationship between M’s mom and her daughter according to DHS. Had they registered her birth sooner they could have avoided this issue.

  • Gail

    December 24, 2015

    Mari2,

    It sounds like the sister was not registered.Surely your husband had enough sense to know that they would have to show a legal birth certificate.Strange he did not think ahead on such a simple thing because alot of people don’t register.Also did they not give her time to get her birth certificate before just up and denying her.Maybe he did not respond in the given time frame.I am just assuming everything here but I from what u said I imagine it is something along those lines.

  • Mari2

    December 24, 2015

    Lol Gail…you know Pakistani men don’t do feedings. But child rearing is a lot of work. With my kids, ear infections always managed to occur at 3 AM during a blizzard. The school events, homework, projects, clothing, extracurricular activities, car pooling, finding sitters and good preschools, doctor visits, trying to shop with small people who yell “I wanna go home!” etc. It’s work!

    I have no idea why M thinks I want or need a baby in my life despite my telling him I do not. Whatever. She’s not here yet nor pregnant. Right now he’s a ball of stress because immigration still isn’t satisfied about his mom’s petition to bring his minor sis here. Visa denied because his mom can’t prove his sis is her kid. Seriously. This is what happens when patriarchal countries do NOT list mothers’ names on any documents.

  • Gail

    December 24, 2015

    Mari2,

    Girl I hear u loud and clear! I myself don’t want more kids 4 was enough for me.
    M lives in a completely different time zone/world than u do obviously.He has not had kids so he wouldn’t understand anything about raising kids and what all that entails.When u tell him stuff like u don’t like infancy that jsut goes right over his head because he don’t know about babies and every 2-4 hour feedings because he has never done it.U have to take what comes out of his mouth with a grain of salt I think.
    Don’t get me wrong if a cowife wanted to help out I don’t see anything wrong with raising the kids because I am doing just that myself but if u don’t want then also no problem.
    Honestly maybe he is thinking to give u the first girl child thinking that if u r raising his kid that it will keep mommy dearest and cousin wife off his back about divorcing u.He is not an idiot he knows that all hell is fixing to break loose on him and well… OK I will give it to u straight girls are not prized like the boys are so he could easily convince his mom and wife to let u raise the girl telling them that u r going to bear all expenses of that child all the way until the child marries which will get him and his wife and mother off the hook of raising a daughter.If u noticed he did not offer u a male child because his mother and cousin wife would never agree willingly but with a girl he has some leverage in my opinion.
    Pakistani men r very strange creatures.I might be wrong but logically speaking from what I know of the culture he would play it off if u actually wanted the child that way.Another thing he could be doing which is also possible is he knows u have no interest in raising more children so he tells u he will give u the first born female just to make u think he is saying a nice thing to u but knowing u have zero interest.He is just feeding sweet poison or blowing smoke up your @$$ if u know what i mean.I am pretty sure it is one of the two things I have said.
    I kinda like your idea of having your own life plus being married as well.U can go out with friends hang out and enjoy your life all the while knowing he is stuck at home with cousin wife and their 20 kids lol.Hopefully it is all going to work out.I wish your cowife would just accept polygamy so u guys can live in peace.

  • Mari2

    December 24, 2015

    @Gail,
    I don’t want any child she might bear. Why would I take a child from it’s mother? I raised my two, and my second child is nearing adulthood. Why on earth would I choose to return to go? I’m pretty much finished with child rearing and all that it entails. And I know what it takes because I’ve already done it twice. I cannot figure out why M thinks I want another kid. I like kids once they reach 12 months or so, but honestly, infancy I don’t particularly care for. I loved and cared for my own children of course, but if I was able to give birth to an 18 month old rather than an infant, I might have been willing to have more children. I just don’t have that “baby love” some do. I have “toddler love”. Everyone is different. I am certainly not begging M for his in the future baby. So I cannot figure out why he would even suggest to offer me a hypothetical baby when I have told him repeatedly that I don’t like infants.

  • Gail

    December 21, 2015

    Mari2,

    U said a mouthful when u said he offered u the first female.Tell him u thought about it and u decided to take the first Male haha.I hate to say this but they don’t really care that much on the females as they are an expense on the parents.The sons are the real prize.I know u have more sense then to be a nanny for those two knuckle heads.
    Please don’t take wrong what I was saying I think u r very bright and u have done the exact right thing to let him go and make him and his mom get out of your home.
    He is planning on his brother inlaw becoming a doctor or getting a good job here so this is obviously his long term plan it seems.
    Your right your cowife is never going to go for u being in the picture she never has and she never will so it is good that u know this even though M is not aware of how much hell a woman can give him when he is going to be stuck and can’t divorce her.
    I am pretty certain they will pop out a more than a few kids since Pakistani people seem to typically birth alot of kids on average.
    I think he is just talking crap with u about the first female though simply because his mom and wife are not going to let u anywhere near those kids.
    I don’t say this to be cruel to u I just remember back to my own situation and me going to this village called Mianwali in Pakistan and going into my excowife fathers home and picking up the baby when it was time to leave and walking out it with it.I will never forget my cowife looking from the door as we left.It haunts me to this day because it was the last official time that baby was hers.He was 16 months old that time.She was pregnant with our daughter 8 months and looking back and thinking about it all it is just so sad the way my husband went about this mess.I never thought to take her kids from her I just thought all the kids should be raised together in one home.That is why I also took the daughter as well.
    I don’t want u to end up in a divorce that is the last thing I would wish on u but unless u can figure out some way to get through and deal with your cowife and mother inlaw I don’t see it working long term because of her being so demanding.One thing u do have going for u is that your cowife is young and if u wanted to help her raise the kids and live together in one home which I would NOT advice in your case since u would have to live with the MIL(she will create problems and be against u) so living together in joint family will not ever work in your best interest in your case I am 99.9% certain.The odds are against it.
    I don’t know u seem to know how u r going to fill your time in the future so hopefully everything is going to work out fine for u either way.

  • Mari2

    December 21, 2015

    @Gail
    I do watch my back. And I have protected myself by asking them to leave. I am okay. Allah protects me much. I am at peace very much right now.

  • Mari2

    December 21, 2015

    @Gail,
    m will have the number of children as his mother deems necessary. Can he afford these children here in the US with NO health insurance, a pittance of a salary and living in an unfurnished, bug infested basement apartment? I have no answer for that. Age aside, I am the person who told him and his mom to go. And yet still he creeps on with an idea that I will live with him within a multi family unit. I refuse. He’s offered me his first unborn female child to raise. I’m like…you’re rumplestilskin? Who does that? And the he said BIL is coming for PH.d and if M’s BIL gets his family here on an F1 or F2 visa, they BIL and SIL will give me their autistc son. Really? Why? Not necessary. He can be enrolled in public school in USA. Crazy.

    Yes gail things will change when she comes here. I will have to work and live in my home..alone. I will have to take weekend trips to NYC with others. I’ll just need to take vacations with my friends.

    I already told M “I am not happy she will come here. She will cause trouble and demand more that you divorce me.” She has no clue. Oh and btw the gold he bought her just fell thousand of rps. M’s initial gold investment just dropped 1000 rps in 2 weeks. That investment didn’t pan out. Perhaps a savings account would be more prudent. M gets it. He demanded that 2 sell her gold before coming here. He prefers that she show up with money.

  • Gail

    December 20, 2015

    Ana,

    I was just surprised in Mari2 case because I thought her husband was older now that I know he is only 33 everything that is going on with her and her husband and mother inlaw makes alotttt more sense.For example the immature remarks he makes about having two wives and even Mari2 saying he might enjoy the two women fighting over him.It all falls into his age level.
    I can’t say for certain if Mari2 marriage is going to work out in the end but my sincere guess is that mari2 for her own peace of mind may very well have to let him go before all is said and done unless mari2 can figure out some way to keep her mother inlaw and cowife away from her.
    Mari2 better what her back because again my sincere guess is that her husband is playing both sides of the stick so to speak.He is getting something from being with Mari2 sex,money,something that is keeping him near her for now BUT as soon as his Cousin wife gets to USA it is going to be game over I fear.I don’t say this lightly because I know the pain involved and the time wasted on a man that plays both sides of the stick.I don’t even know if mari2 will even want to keep him when cousin wife gets here.My sincere guess is Mari2 is going to go into the secret wife status and what I mean by that he will sneak away to spend a few hours with Mari2 so that cousin wife is not aware BUT since she already knows about Mari2 she is going to be more perceptive about his where he is at(like calling him alot on his cell phone).
    Mari2 is going to have to make some hard choices I think when her cowife gets here to USA.
    Here is my sincere take on Mari situation…… She is being used by her husband until his cousin wife gets to USA.He is playing around until his wife gets to USA to be with him.Her husband does not see Mari2 as his wife that is certain because had he seen her as his real wife he would never had left her to move out with his mother.He would have avoided that at all cost the exact same like my husband is doing.I am not begging my husband to stay with me he is going out of his way to stay with me and deal me at all cost.I am not bragging here NO WAY I am merely pointing out how important it is in Pakistani culture when children are involved.Another story we have heard on the blog is Spirited.Her husband has picked the wife that has his children and the reason for this is very simple.Pakistani people live joint culture meaning that their sons will live with them or they will live with their sons until they die mom and dad soooo there is no room space for a second wife in the long run.Now in saying this I know Pakistani men who take wives but treat them as mistresses meaning the other wife is kept secret from his real family.Yes in Mari2 case her everyone knows about her for now but my sincere guess is he is going to tell his mom and his cousin wife he has divorced or left Mari2 eventually and try to put her in the secret wives club or leave her all together once his cousin wife comes rolling in.
    The only reason and I mean the only reason his cousin wife is dealing all this nonsense right now and her family is because he is bringing her to USA the day she gets her greencard is the day Mari2 better watch out because that is when she is going to see the shift happen.
    There is just no logical way Mari2 is going to be able to compete with the cousin wife in the long run because that is where he knows he is suppose to be.U see he is not leaving his mother and I am sure his mom and him have told cousin wife and her family SEEEE I have left my Mari2 and living on my own so that cousin wife will be satisfied.It works out well for him playing both sides of the stick and buying him time with Mari2 until she gets here.That is why he told mari2 she will be here in about a year.He knows everything what he is doing.
    Mari2 really give thought to everything that is going on with your husband and see Spirited situation.My situation is very unique and should NOT be thought of as Normal in any sense of the word.I have never known a Pakistani man to leave his cousin wife and take his children and give into a foreign wives hand.My husband knows of one case in Pakistan where the man had a wife that was not educated and she had his children and he took his children from the educated wife and put them with the educated wife and the educated wife raised the children and he kept both wives but he and the children live with the educated wife.His children did grow up very educated.Normally speaking though and I might be wrong here but as far as I know they normally do not leave the mother of their children.In my case even he divorced her legally but kept her on the side for 8 yrs until she finally spoke up and told him to divorce me at which time he let her go.Even in my case he took his sisters divorce to keep me which again is even more rare and I am 10000000000000% certain it has nothing to do with me but the kids.I have a biological son with him and I have raised and adopted the other two children.All children will live together in joint family and have been raised together.
    In my case I would accept my cowife but she wanted me out because I flat told her YES MEEE! I was the one to fill her in that she is not coming to USA unless hubby and I divorce and I nor him am willing to do that.
    Now in saying that three yrs ago I told my husband look I will give u a divorce so she can come and my husband stood up that time and said NO he is not divorcing me.I then got angry with him and told him no just bring her and be done with it.He flat refused me.
    Now again I am not trying make him out to be a Saint here because he is NOT about that time I seen him writing to another woman here in our area come to find out they had some weird relation to this day I am not to certain what the heck went on as she was also married.
    I will be honest the reason and I mean the only reason I have not divorced my husband is because of my kids and in particular my daughter.I have not legally adopted her.I did legally adopt my my husband and cowife son but i never legally adopted my daughter.I could have but I made a choice not to adopt her legally and that reason is so that my excowife would have always have a door open to come to USA through my daughter.I prayed on this and I felt in my heart it was and is the right thing to do.When I adopted her son it closed the door for her to ever come to USA through him since he was legally adopted but because of the way my husband treated her by leaving her behind I felt it was the least It is my future gift to her.I have told my daughter it is her choice and the power is in her and my two sons hands if they want to bring her in the future or not.G.D knows and I know I have tried my best to do the right thing as much as I could in this life.
    It has always been my excowife’s dream to come live in USA.I wanted to not kill that dream for her.
    Life is complicated and I believe in doing the right thing and showing mercy to others if u can.I am not a perfect person and I am only human but I do try to as best I can.
    I am not saying Mari2 should divorce her husband that is not for me to say but I do think given his age being only 33 and never having children it is reasonable to assume Mari2 should start asking him serious questions like how many kids he plans to have with cousin wife and figure out what is going down.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2015

    I didn’t know he was 33 either. I was thinking he was Mari2’s age. Come to think of it, 33 is a bit young to be going gray. Although, my brother had a friend who was gray in his twenties. A reason I don’t pay attention to age is because the Prophet Muhammad’s wife khadijah (when he was monogamous) was 15 years older than him. I don’t get all these Muslim men of today demanding young virgin girl (babies) lol

  • Gail

    December 19, 2015

    Mari2,

    I was surprised to learn your husband is only 33.I thought he was closer to 50.Now his comments and petty remarks make so much more since now.I just assumed that with u talking that u have a daughter and grandchild that u and and M were around the same age between 45 to 50 age range.Now I am thinking he is much younger than u.I am also surprised that his cousin wife is 18 and he is 33.I mean it is normal for the guy to be 10 yrs older and all.I don’t know big age differences.My sister inlaw was like 10 yrs older than her husband and one of my husbands aunts is 10 yrs older than her husband as well.I have never been with anyone with a huge age gap so for me is seems strange.lol

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2015

    It’s interesting that most people only think that a man has a lot of sex and variety when he becomes polygamous. They don’t think about the fact that a man’s stress level becomes elevated when he adds more than one wife to his family. A person only needs to know what a man deals with in a monogamous marriage and magnify it two, three or four times, depending on the number of wives to know what a polygamous man goes through. Yep, he’s bound to get grey quicker. I read (not in Quran) the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) only had one grey hair. Of course, I don’t know how true it is.

    M’s other should notice her husband has aged when she “Face Time”, skype him or however they communicate. Sounds that M’s statement to you was just to have something to say about his grey that made him feel a certain way about it. He may be feeling insecure and old and think she will no longer be as attracted to him as before. I assume he won’t allow her out and about among males her own age. He’ll probably keep strict reign on her. Just because a woman is modest doesn’t mean she won’t be attracted to other men whom she comes in contact with. Men with younger women tend to be more jealous and possessive. It should be interesting…

  • Mari2

    December 19, 2015

    Today M said he had a gray hair in his beard. I noticed and said “actually you have 5 gray hairs. Didn’t you say a gray beard is a sign of wisdom? Look how wise you have become :)” M said “I turn gray early because I have 2 wives to deal with.” My response was to say “that was your choice and Allah’s choice, don’t blame the wives.” Henna your beard then as did the prophet and not be so vain. Then M said 2 “will be here in a year or so and wonder why her husband is an old looking man.” My response: you’re wife is a class 12 grad. She did the math I hope. She’s newly 18, you are 33, I am thinking she should be able to run the numbers…right? Why would she be surprised?

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2015

    @Alison,

    All is good. Good you’re still hanging in there. It’s what we’ve got to do. Glad you liked the post.

    I thought it important to write it, as there are some people who believe that polygamy is only for wealthy men. Some make it seem that women are wrong to lift a finger to help their husbands once the husbands become polygamous. Some mistake maintaining and protecting “WOMEN” to means only wives and only pertain to money. They miss the broader picture

  • Alison

    December 18, 2015

    Mashaallah nice reminder love …hope all’s well. Am good hanging in there

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2015

    A woman who knows her Islam by reading the Quran will know that if she is conscious of Allah and spends to help her husband or help anyone else in need of assistance, she loses nothing. She gains much. There is nothing that anyone spends in the cause of Allah, seeking His good pleasure that He doesn’t see and reward her or him for it manifold. Why shouldn’t a wife help her husband,if she can, to help alleviate his burden, if she has the means? It doesn’t matter that he has more than one wife.

    Don’t get me wrong. A woman doesn’t have to help him or anyone else. There is no compulsion in Islam. She can use her wealth for her self or anyway Allah allows her to.

    Do what you think is best. It’s best to act with Allah in mind.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2015

    A wife needs to know when her husband is doing the best that he can with regard to all his wives and children. A wife needs to be able to differentiate between a husband who has come upon hard times and is making ends meet and one who is simply a slacker (has the means, but won’t provide).

    Nothing is absolute, but Allah. To say a man must provide when he has more than one wife, regardless of what the condition and circumstance is being unreasonable. He can only provide according to his means. His means is dependent on Allah and what Allah gives him.

    A helpful ayah is as follows:

    “On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) “Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith.” Quran: Surah 2, ayah 286