Wives Cope Dealing Polygamy

wives cope dealing polygamyWomen here at polygamy 411 have asked how wives cope dealing polygamy when they have children. Ideally, a husband and all his wives would live near one another. This way he could see his children and his wives regularly. He could be there for them, if they have an emergency.

I’ve read books about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in which I learned that his wives lived close to one another. Furthermore, I learned that he visited each of them daily. I don’t see that happening today. Some husbands have wives who live thousands of miles away from each other or in different countries.

I’d imagine wives cope dealing polygamy with children when the husbands aren’t there the same way wives cope when their husbands are monogamous and aren’t there. For instance, there are monogamous husbands who often travel for business or are workaholic, meaning they are always working.

How wives cope dealing polygamy depends a lot on whether they have a support system, as well. Mine is my Islamic family and my non-Muslim biological family. They are “Johnny on the spot” there for me, if I need them. It helps when a wife has family and friends nearby who will help her, because they love her. They don’t mind helping her at all.

How wives cope dealing polygamy depends on their knowledge of the Quran, as well

Allah tells us to use the Quran to guide us. For instance, when I’m in a situation, I say, what in the Quran resembles that which I am going through? What would Allah tell me to do in a situation such as the one that I am in?

When a wife is in a bind and her polygamous husband is away with his other wife, what should she do? What should she do when she has to cope with emergencies that involve her children and her husband is not there? It’s when she should remember what she read in the Quran that could help her get through it?

Mary, the mother of Prophet Jesus (PBUH), when she was pregnant and gave birth alone, is the story from the Quran that comes to my mind at times. She had no one there to help her. Try to imagine what she went through.

I think of the story of the wife of Prophet Abraham (PBUH). He took her to the desert and left her there to fend for herself. He knew Allah would take care of her. She managed.

Another story is that of Prophet Musa’s (PBUH) and his mother. Allah instructed her to put him in the basket and cast him into the river. She did it and Pharoah’s family took him in. She had put her faith and trust in Allah.

The stories that are in the Quran could help wives cope dealing polygamy

They are lessons for us. They are not fairy tales, bedtime stories, or a means to past time. Those stories are there for us to use as a guide to apply to our lives.

Most of what we leaned and what we imagined isn’t the way life is. We as Muslim/Believers need to understand that Allah wrote the script. We won’t have what we want all the time. It’s just not the way life is. We need to learn to accept life the way that it is.

When wives apply the lessons from the Holy Quran to their lives, wives cope dealing polygamy. They can do it.

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  • Laylah

    May 13, 2015

    Salaam every one

    Regarding this article, I guess the trap we fall into in a long term monogomous relationship is you feel your identity is entertwined in your husbands. We used to do everything together and today I was crying in the shopping aisle coz I came to the shop alone and had to do everything alone. I hadn’t realized I had become so dependant. This article is so correct there are so many ways we can do things on our own. My support network is not that great. My mum is in the Uk and my mum in law is in the states. Alhamdulillah my father in law tries to assist me a great deal but some how I don’t feel really able to confide in him? He just wouldn’t understand the issues I have. Or be really tolerate if I just wanted to rant! I mean lets face it I would be ranting about his son. @ Jasmina you might want to suggest to your husband a day that belongs entirely to the kids. Yours and hers. My co doesn’t have any kids yet but my husband has designated no matter who he is with Sunday is kids day. Afterwards he goes to whose ever night it is. I have become more independent. Forced to be. In the long run Allah knows best perhaps I need to be?

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2015


    I could understand how you must feel if she is the favorite, as you suspect. It hurts. With the two of you wives living so close to each other (10 minutes away) there is no human excuse why he can’t come to you during your nights, other than he prefers to stay where he is. I know it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but sometimes there is nothing left to do, but face reality.

    Men don’t have to be reminded to be fair and just. They know full well the requirement that Allah places on all human beings to be fair and just to everyone. Allah says He loves those who are Just. He does not love the wrongdoers. You could remind him, anyhow, which I’m sure you probably have done; although, he already knows. We can’t make people do what we want them to do. They have to want to do it.

    You’re in a precarious situation in that if you pressure him too much he may divorce you again. He seems to be quite content where he is and by divorcing you he could remain there without thinking about having to divide time with anyone. So, you need to determine what you want to do. Continue to stay married to him; although the division of time is not exactly as you prefer and pray things get better one day sooner than later or make your intent to leave the marriage. I know you must love him, so there is no easy remedy for you.

    If you stay, you’d need to take your attention and focus off your husband and devote it where it would do you more good – getting yourself right with your Lord – Allah. Furthermore, stay busy doing other things that you enjoy that are halal. Who knows, if you turn away from your husband, he may turn towards you.

  • Laila

    May 7, 2015

    Jasmina. We all as wives hate the fact that pettiness comes into play when the schedule is discussed. But, a schedule is a schedule. If he has taken days away from you because something came up then he must replace it. I too would loose my head if he continuously took days from my schedule but never replaced it. This year my hubbs took two days, which is not many days to me. I told him that there was no need to replace it. I am fine with it. But if it was a week then it has to be replaced one way or the other. Like for example, my co took seven days for her holiday last year. This year he is replacing those seven days by taking me for a holiday too. I think when there is no replacing then anger sets in. I would be upset if he took my days and pretended that it does not need to be replaced. Crappy right?!…. you need to voice it out or else you will be miserable.

  • jasmina

    May 7, 2015

    Yes we have a toddler together and the other lives about 10 minutes from me. he says something happened and needed to stay more there. it hurts me because he is notorious for not being fair with his time to a point we got divorced but we are giving it another shot and 8 months he already owes me so many days. I don’t want it to become a marriage with calculators and agreements and what not, I want this to be based on love and that being fair would be easy and natural. so when this happens I just feel less than his other wife and like he favours her.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2015

    Oooops, ummof4, I didn’t really need to say your post was directed to jasmina. I wrote the post from the blog’s back office and thought I was on the May 2015 thread. It’s get complicated for me at times cuz sometimes I post from the back office

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello all the wonderful people out there reading here.

    Sis ummof4’s post was directed at jasmina.

    @jasmina, I’m sure it was just an oversight that ummof4 didn’t mention your name. We probably realized it was directed to you, but I wanted to mention it so everyone certainly knows.

    @ummof4, thank you so much, sis, for sharing your experience about giving birth while in a polygamous marriage. I could not speak from experience when I posted to jasmina.

  • ummof4

    May 6, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    As Ana said, more info is necessary to give sound advice about your situation.

    I had two healthy children and two miscarriages during the time my husband was married to a second wife. The two of them had no children together; they were married for 14 years. Each time I gave birth, my husband stayed with me at night for 1-2 weeks. So my co-wife missed 7 nights. When I had a miscarriage, he stayed with me at night for 1 week. So my co-wife missed 3 nights. The nights were made up at a later time, 3 nights at a time. I don’t know if my co-wife was upset or not; I just know they were emergency situations and my husband did not need or ask her permission to spend extra time with me and our children. I would have expected him to do the same if my co-wife had given birth.

    Is it just and fair? Yes! However, the amount of extra time spent should depend on the location of each wife, as Ana stated. In my case, we only lived 20 minutes from each other, so I’m sure they talked and saw each other in the daytime, even though he spent nights with me. Just pray that both of you do not have babies at the same time; that could get a bit tricky.

    On that note, where are you Marie? Are you feeling okay? check in with us when you can, In shaa’Allah.

    May Allah give all of us a pure heart and allow us to get rid of/control negative emotions.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    Thank you much for welcoming Jasmina 🙂


    Welcome. Insha Allah, you should do as Laila stated and speak with your husband about the time he owes you. Do you have any children with your husband? It sounds that maybe you don’t. I get a bit concerned when the husband begins to spend more time with the wife who has the children. There is a sister-in-faith here at polygamy 411 who has no children and her husband spends the majority of the time with the wife who has the children.

    A husband has a right to see his children anytime; it does not, however, give him a right to take time away from the wife who has no children. He could see his children everyday and still do right by the wives in division of nights. Does your co live in another country? You’d have to give us more facts for us to be able to speak to you intelligently about your situation. If she lives in another country, maybe he’s justified in prolonging his time with her. Some husbands only spend a month or two with a wife in another country and spend the other 10 or 11 months with the other wife. We have to remember that just and fair is what the parties agree to. It’s all relative to the parties involved.

    I could understand you being upset. You should put yourself in the other wife’s shoes, as well. Wouldn’t you like to spend a bit more time with your husband when you’ve just had a baby? Does he want a little more time with her or much more time with her? You all need to find a balance, something reasonable. It’s why I truly believe a husband should have his wives living near one another. It could resolve a lot of issues.

  • Laila

    May 6, 2015

    Dear Jasmina. By right he has to replace and be fair. Baby or not, he has to be firm when it comes to the schedule. By taking a longer time on the other side it creates nothing but heartache and disruption for the other wife. Have you told him how you feel about things?

  • jasmina

    May 6, 2015

    How about when co-wife has a baby? My cowife gave birth and hubby decided it was a good idea to stay there longer even though he already owes me days which I doubt he will make up for. How do you deal with that, is it unreasonable for me to be upset?

  • SC

    May 5, 2015

    Beautiful article Masha Allah , very uplifting . A must read for women with children.