Wives Remember Co Wives in Polygamy

wives remember co wives in polygamyMajor problems arise in polygamous marriages when the wives remember co wives in polygamy. Most wives spend more time remembering co wives than anything else. They remember co wives more than they remember their husbands. To remember the co-wives or the husbands is not good.

Not only do they remember the co wives, but they become obsessed with them. They think of the co wives daily. Some think of them most of the day, if not all day. The thought of the other wives married to their husbands consume them.

Usually the wives think about what the husbands do with the other wives. In particular, they think about where they go; what they talk about; what they do sexually; how often they have sex; or whether they do the same things to the other wives that they do to them. The wife wonders if the husband loves the other wife more than he loves her. The thoughts are many.

When wives remember co wives in polygamy, it causes the wives a great deal of stress

When wives remember co wives, they stress out and can find no peace of mind. Thoughts of the co wife are always in their heads. A person may tell her to do things to stay busy. She may find that staying busy is only a temporary fix. It doesn’t take away the thoughts in her head. It is as though she is not only obsessed, but possessed.

When wives remember co wives, in essence, Satan has a hold of them. How is it so? Satan has the power of suggestion. He makes the suggestions by whispering to the wives. A wife may think it’s her active imagination, but it is not. Little does she know that it is Satan at work. Satan is on his job, and he does it well. He whispers into the hearts of mankind. All of the examples of thoughts that I mentioned above that a wife has are from Satan. Satan entertains the wife. The wife has let Satan set up shop in her head.

When wives remember co wives in polygamy, they suffer pain and heartache

The wives have the pain and heartache because they have forgotten Allah. Allah says when we do not remember Him, He gives us an evil companion. The companion is Satan or unbelievers who say the same type of things to the wives that Satan whispers. They, in a sense, are employees of Satan.

When a wife goes to an unbeliever, which could be a Muslim or a non-Muslim, for advice, the wife gets nothing but negative feedback. She or he possibly tells the wife to divorce the husband or asks what the wife did to cause the husband to need another wife. Did she not sex him up enough, cook for him, keep the house clean, pay him enough attention? She or he places blame on the wife directly or indirectly and makes her feel that she has failed as a wife.

When wives remember co wives in polygamy, it’s a sign that they are not doing something right

When she is upset, sad, stressed, frustrated or depressed etc, it is because she is not remembering Allah. She does not feel well. How could she? She disobeys Allah. When we disobey Allah, we have problems. We already know that Allah gives us an evil companion when we don’t remember Him.

Allah tells us that He remembers those who remember Him. He says when we remember Him, we see clearly. We see alright. Allah says remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life. There is no doubt. We must believe that only Allah can help us.

A wife could sit with Satan and listen to him. She could sit with Satan’s agents, as well. However, the best thing a wife could do is remember Allah, so that she fall under His protection. A wife needs to check her thoughts. She needs to recognize what they are. What and who she is thinking of? A wife needs to get her thoughts in check.

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47 Comments

  • Najwa5

    August 22, 2016

    @ anabellah shukran for understanding my situation a little better. I definitely need to get to that place when none of this bothers me. I’ve had three good days so far. No arguments with the hub or I’ll feelings. Now when I said she comes to house. She argues with hub not me but just be trying to ask me questions. I believe co wives should be able to get along too. To a certain degree, but it will not happen if neither one is the same page. But this co told me recently we will never be family. I totally agree because her dislike for me runs deep. The feeling is neutral but I just keep making dua for her.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2016

    Najwa5,

    I could see how you went through a thing when your husband remarried her after all that he went through with her that was hurtful to you and him. To understand it, I think you need to look at yourself or most women in general who are in polygamous marriages. They’ve gone through a lot-mega amounts of problems in their marriages with their husbands, but they always stay or leave and then go back. People ask how she could ever go back after all she’s been through. They don’t understand her. She may not understand it, but she knows that she was compelled to do it. Love has something to do with it because if there wasn’t love and she had a way out, she’d take it and not look back. Most importantly, Allah places love in the heart and no one can remove it but Him.

    A man is no different than a woman in that respect. He’ll stay with the woman whom he loves and he won’t leave until Allah has decided for him to do so. So, I wouldn’t blame him, just feel for him perhaps. Maybe his being bound to her is a blessing or a curse, only Allah knows.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2016

    Najwa5

    I totally get what you’ve said. It’s virtually impossible for co-wives to completely stay out of each other business to a degree because the parties to the marriage are intertwined. The husband could acquiesce to one wife and it could change something or interfere with something associated with the other wife, which causes conflict. Husbands can’t always get wives to be happy at the same time all the time. It’s impossible unless the one wife or all truly submit to Allah and says Alhumdulliah under all conditions and circumstance (positive or NEGATIVE) and truly mean it. I’d love to be at that stage in my life.

    You have a bold co, if she comes to your house looking for your and her husband and argues with you. That’s over the top for me.

  • Najwa5

    August 21, 2016

     @ anabellah I do stay out of their business.  Trust me I’ve been doing a good job off and on for the past three years. It becomes my business when its presented to me and comes to my front door. I’ve been very humble and calm over the years.never once came at my cowife in a mean way. She’s been to my house on numerous occasions to look for hubby,start arguements with him,etc. So its the fitnah that I can do without. Insha’Allah I past the test because the shaitins definitely be whispering. Its just something about this time when he married her, that took me through something deep. Depression, betrayal, etc. I just can’t understand after one harms you so bad in many ways, how can you take them back. He says its because of the children. Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2016

    Najwa5,

    I think you’re saying you believe that your husband and your co have been married more than the number of times that they should be before she must marry another and divorce or he dies before she can marry your husband again. There is no real way for you to know that factually unless he or she tells you that it’s the case. Allah says some suspicion is a sin. So, I’d suggest that although you suspect it that you try to put it out of your mind and leave it alone. As you stated Allah Sees and Knows all things. Leave it to Allah and let Him deal with it. You won’t be ruining your soul if you back up off them and stay out their business.

    Your co doesn’t sound to be a nice person at all. I’d suggest you continue to keep your distance from her and have as little to do with her as possible. If she’s using a law that is contrary to Islam to jerk you and your husband around, such as having a law that says the child can’t be around a female other than one of blood relations, she will pay for it. One has to wonder why your husband loves someone who appears to be evil. Perhaps it’s his punishment. Again, Allah knows best. He culpable in it too, as you know. He just as much at fault for all of this for being with someone of her caliber. Nonetheless, it’s not your problem unless you make it so. Try to distance yourself from their mess. View it as your test. Your job is to pass it.

    I think you’re doing good. You’re doing the right thing by continuing to make duah so that you can continue to be firm in faith. Allah lets us know that no harm can come to us from those who stray if we do what we’re supposed to do in reference to serving and obeying Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2016

    Najwa5, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m not surprised by the hate that you state you and your co-wife have for each other. Hating a co0wife isn’t at all uncommon in polygamous marriages, as you may already know. I could certainly understand how you feel about your husband remarrying the woman. I’m sure it has to be stressful having a person such as her involved indirectly in your life.

    I’d suggest you look at your co-wife as being a test for you. It appears a test may be what it is. Of course, Allah knows best. We know for a fact that Allah says He tests us with one another. If something that we dislike or made us uncomfortable wasn’t placed in our lives or if we weren’t placed in something that we dislike how would we be tested? We could be tested with being homeless as in the refugees or flood victim, people evacuated in California due to widespread fires or a chronic terminal illness. Life is not going to be peaches and cream and rosy on this earth because it’s “earth”, not Paradise, right? We are meant to have hardship and adversity in this life. This life is a probation period. It’s for us to see who is best in conduct.

    Insha Allah, you’ll be able to stop focusing your attention on your husband and his other and stop allowing their problems to effect you. I know it’s easier said than done. It’s darn hard to do. It takes a lot of effort and hard work on your part, but most of all, it takes turning to Allah and asking Him to allow you do do it.

  • Najwa5

    August 20, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum sisters, well I am in polgamous marriage for the third time with my excowife. She hates me and vice versa. I’m so hurt by my hubby remarrying her that it makes me sick. Now don’t get me wrong I accept polgamy. But when your co harms you and your hubby it becomes an issue. She has took him to court for child support and custody. Child support at times was so high , we couldn’t pay our bills and rent. This custody order states that children can’t be around no females unless blood related. Shame! I just can’t win with her. Also I believe they have been remarried more than three times. They deny it but Allah knows all and sees all. I continue to make duaa to keep me firm on this seen.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    aisha, Welcome

    I see you wrote a few days ago. I’m just now pulling your post out of spam. I don’t know why it went in there. Insha Allah, if you are still reading, it would help if you’d give us more information about what you need help with. Polygamy is a broad subject. What’s bothering you?

    Maybe you could add a number or something else to your name. There have been a number of writers here name aisha and it could get a bit confusing to figure out who is who. Thank you :-)

  • aisha

    August 7, 2016

    Need advice on polygamy..am a revert and it’s really killing my spirit

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2015

    @marriam lamb,

    What you described sounds a lot like what Laila was dealing with. It’s all about drama. Some people always want to keep something going. If I understand correctly, your co tells you what others have supposedly been saying about you when in fact the co is the one who is saying it and not someone else.

    I’ll tell you a brief story of an incident that happened when I was working years ago. This woman went to our co-worker’s wedding. She was a big loud mouth troublemaker. The work day, following the wedding, she came to me and showed me a wedding pic of our co-worker. She said she thought the co-worker/bride should have worn her hair more natural for the wedding. She said the way she wore it at the wedding made her not look like herself. After looking at the pic, I agreed. The way she had worn her hair didn’t do her justice. She was a very pretty girl, but the way she wore her hair on her wedding day wasn’t flattering. Do you know the woman went to our co-worker, the recent bride, and said Ana said this that and the other about the way she wore her hair on her wedding day. The co-worker who got married stopped speaking to me, and was nasty to me. She was ANGRY. Fist shake Some people like to cause trouble. Here I was minding my own business when the other woman came and pulled me into something and got me all jacked up. The woman is dead now, and I was a bit glad to here it because she ALWAYS kept something going.

    I say all of it because your co seems to be bad news. I’m not saying she’ll ALWAYS be bad new. Just right now, currently she is. Your best bet is to stay clear of those who are causing you distress. She carries news to you that they said you were suicidal. For her to tell you that someone else asked what bad deed you had done to marry a married man let’s you know that she thought the same in order to repeat it. She wants you to feel badly about yourself. Did the “Mothers of the Believer” do something bad in order for them to have married the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)? NO.THEY DID NOT. It’s ridiculous what they say and ask about you. Allah allows men to marry more than one woman and it’s perfectly okay for a woman to become a wife of a man who already has one wife or more. They want to belittle you and make you extremely unhappy. They want to keep you down.

    People want you to feel less than what you are. It’s why they do it. I’d suggest that unless she changes or until she changes, don’t be bothered with her. Be cordial with her. Give her the salaams. Be nice as an acquaintance and keep it movin…

  • marriam lamb

    June 22, 2015

    @Gail & Anna

    Thank you gor both your advice. I was thinking I am being way to nice and easy going. I was all apologetic at first and always trying to be nice towards her. Anytime I was alone with her she said so n so in the husbands family said …… to her. (Negative feedback) and it puzzeled me for days on end. Why like that to her and good statements to me? I outright called my husband a big fat liar to all his family. So if they had bad to say about something I did not mind. Why they never did was my question in my head. She had me suicidal on a daily basis from what she was telling me. My husband told her this, father in law that, mother in law and so on.

    But I sat and tried to read the people and their actions didnt match what she told me. Finally I spoke with my sister in law and discovered every word she said came from others came from her! (Cowife) such as what bad deed did I do to marry a married man. On the flip side she was playing his mom and dad and telling them they promissed her parents a Doctor and he is an unaccomplished bumb / looser. I knew his story before marriage as he told me. She was after status and money. After all these years her whole family is believing he is a doctor. He is just a simple school teacher and part time imam at a small masjid.

    I did tell her recently ” when you rewashed clothes, didnt give tea to his father I made but remade tea, told me you didnt need me when I was telling you to remember Allah swt after your dad died, this upset me and i distanced from you because I deserve my privacy and you always q&a me on my life but give nothing on your life” so this opened a door. But her comeback was ” i dont know what your talking about” when i only mentioned actions. Then she tried to blame hubbies sister who was never around! Amazing, true pathalogical liar behavior. So i just ignore it but still get upset secretly.

  • Gail

    June 19, 2015

    Ana,

    I agree although I am not going to lie my life was pure hell(even i don’t believe in hell)lol going through that time in my life was truly a learning experience for me that now looking back I am happy I had because I learned so much about human nature and about my own self.I even learned to truly care for someone that hated me.
    Now granted I have a long ways to go but boy have a i learned alot in this lifetime.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2015

    @Gail,

    YEAH, I think polygamy brings out the beast in women lol. I remember even in my younger years back in high school dealing with girls who were rivals. Some had physical cat fights over boys. My older sister had one. I never physically fought over a boy . I never had a physical altercation in my life about anything other than with my older sister. Jealousy is mean. It just seems so weird when years later, when adults, married and some with children, we still carry on the same way – being possessive and getting jealous. That possession thing – he’s my man and Jealously sets in. The women then go to battle for control. Looking back, it ALL seems so silly. I think 99% of women in polygamous marriages go through it. I’ve said it before and will say it again; I think living in a polygamous marriage is a purification process for some. I wouldn’t want to change my life. I value my experiences. I’m a much better me because of it :-)

  • Gail

    June 19, 2015

    Ana,
    Yeah I know it always felt like a darn competition between us which was sooo ignorant even worse than ignorant looking back on it now.It all had to do with control.I think every wife wants to have control on her husband or maybe a better word is she wants to be the one yanking his chain.I know i really never gave any thought about controlling my husband or yanking his chain until he told me she was still in the picture then i got so aggressive.It’s funny looking back on it now because I believe it is in a wife’s nature to be jealous when it comes to her husband and when she sees her husband being yanked by another woman I don’t know it just brings out the NASTY in us or at least it did me.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2015

    @Gail,

    You stated something very profound when you said, “I am telling u straight work on your problems together as a team call a truce between u.One more thing u need to tell her that your husband is not some trophy to be won by either of u.He is both your husband and u don’t have to feel like jealous over him or feel the need to control him over the other wife.Thats what I meant about him not being a trophy to be won.U both already won him.”
    I know in my polygamous marriage I felt like we were competing It is sooooo true. You’ve got a point there!

  • Gail

    June 18, 2015

    marriam lamb,

    Thanks for clearing up your living situation.
    Lets take a look at this from another angle.Since u live in the same home I am assuming u have both spoken with each other but may feel uneasy to share yourself totally with your cowife and her with you.It is normal that she should be curious about u and angry at the same time.We r complicated souls as u know and in reality I think she is just mentally struggling.Since u r older and wiser it seems I think u should to ladies should sit and really talk and ask explain to her u need her to give u privacy and in return what would she like u to do for her?I am going to tell u straight u r going about this the wrong way.U live with your cowife both u ladies have to learn to keep peace and yes it harder and yes it will require sacrifice but it can be done.I should mentioned I lived with my excowife and hubby in the same home as well so I got some experience here.
    I don’t kbow if u r being nice to her or u r faking it and same with her with u but seems to me u both r fighting for the upper hand or to show the other I am the boss mentality(know what I am talking about) and both of u r rubbing each other the wrong way and it has to stop ASAP.
    Also DON”T bring your husband in the middle of this pettiness.U go and talk to her yourself and resolve this problem.Again like I said u tell her knock off on disturbing u and u will do something for her.
    I will tell u something else it is better u both be honest with each other about what drives each of u crazy with the other(discuss the elephant in the room) She may have alot of things she don’t like about u and same with u with her.Unless u r going to get a dialog going and work on your problems u r going to lie a $hit life and I don’t think that is what either of u ladies want correct?
    I am telling u straight work on your problems together as a team call a truce between u.One more thing u need to tell her that your husband is not some trophy to be won by either of u.He is both your husband and u don’t have to feel like jealous over him or feel the need to control him over the other wife.Thats what I meant about him not being a trophy to be won.U both already won him.
    I know in my polygamous marriage I felt like we were competing and I really laid down the law to my husband and seriously controlled everything and boy if he even dare open his mouth I would hurt him seriously.What your cowife is doing is out of bitterness,anger and jealousy and the only way around all this is talk through it since u r forced to live together.
    Let me know your feelings on this topic if u agree or disagree with what I have stated.I can only tell u how I felt when i was living with my cowife.
    One more thing anytime I got one over on her or hubby ordered her around I felt good knowing i had the upper hand and same with her with me.It’s all part of the control game.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2015

    @marriam lamb,

    Gail and I may not have gotten the facts straight, but did the best we could with the little bit of info you gave us in your first post. Nonetheless, she is your husband’s arranged wife and was living with his parents before you and your kids moved in, as well. The husband may have found you because she isn’t his choice; however, his parents seem to have some heavy duty control over him. It looks as though she is there to stay.

    If your husband doesn’t step up and stop her intrusion upon your and his privacy then what much is left to do

    I couldn’t imagine living in a house with a co. I understand you must live there due to financial reasons. It’s unfortunate that your husband won’t man up and put his foot down with her. I assume your husband’s parents would side with the co. I wouldn’t let my husband get away with not taking any action. He’d have to take it or I would. You’re not me. You’re between a rock and a hard place…

  • marriam lamb

    June 17, 2015

    Gail and Anna

    You both have a very incorrect idea. This girl is firstly younger than me, secondly i also have two kids, thirdly she was an arranged marriage whom none of my husbands family knew them. My husbands father liked some of her brothers and family status thats it. She married my husband w/o even saying Salam before they signed papers. But he is stuck with her cuz of the stupid thinking of the locals. She has pulled unbelievable c@?p and tries to put accusation on ppl who were not even there. He sees it he tells her.

    The first day i met her i told her i didnt know and so on. But finally i had enough and said quit invading my space. And she still found an excuse to call at 2am. However i knew she would pull something and turned off the ringers. Her excuse was lack of electricity so send her kids to my room. I said that many times i dont have electricity and i do not call. Her room is twice as big and i didnt see any reason for this nonsence.

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2015

    @marriam lamb,

    There is not much I can add to what Gail said to you. I agree with all that she said to you 100%.

    I find MOST (not all) women in polygamous marriages who don’t want to be in it, regardless of what order they married in, tend to act out. Some sit back and let the other act foolishly to SEEM better than the other is. Then when the other straightens up and begins to fly right, maybe the one that was laid back begins to act out.

    Women in polygamous marriages have a lot to cope with and it is a living Hell on earth (imagine the real Hell Fire) Eventually, in due time, they pull themselves together and go to work on fixing themselves and the situation – they make their intent. If not they leave the marriage or live miserably in it.

    If you have any particular question you’d like to ask or just want to let off steam, we’re here for you.

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2015

    @marriam lamb,

    I apologize for not being able to respond to your comment yet. You’ve met our dear Gail here who has been with us for years now. She is awesome! I”ve been quite busy, but will try to reply to you as soon as I can.

    @Gail,

    Thank you for welcoming marriam lamb and commenting to her. I appreciate it much!

  • Gail

    June 16, 2015

    marriam lamb,
    With first wives their insecurity and anger get the best of them.Obviously she doesn’t accept the situation and she could not make it anymore clear.If u think your husband is going to start a an all out war with his 1st wife the mother of his children it’s not going to happen.U either got to leave your husband out of this mess and go talk to her alone and tell her u had no idea and u were just as manipulated as she was.If u have no intentions on doing that then u better just get use to this mess because i doubt your spineless hubby is going to grow a backbone anytime soon.Know what I mean?

  • marriam lamb

    June 16, 2015

    I am a second wife. I was married for 6years before finding out my husband had a first wife one year before our marriage. I am upset so many times regarding his deceit to me and her. I asked many questions regarding him being single or betrothed or divorced. I feel why all this time and he didn’t divorce her as he didn’t want to be married to her. She was as shocked as I was learning about me. We always wonder what the other is doing with our husband. She even finds excuses to call him at 2:15am. I have had it with her b.s. and manipulation and pathological lieing. No wonder he took off on her. So my desire is privacy. Due to finances we decided to live in my husband’s parents house where she’s been all these years with their kids. I feel totally invaded by her. She always texting when we are together and calling and has zero desecration. I asked him to stop this as I didn’t do it and it’s above and beyond intrusive. But looks like he doesn’t say anything as she still does it

  • Ruqayyah

    June 6, 2015

    @Mari2, try not to get annoyed. She is young and just learnt her husband has a wife she didn’t know about. She is probably trying to annoy him and push him to see how much he loves her/cares about her. She’s testing the waters in her new situation. Soon enough it should blow over especially if he is kind and firm in his fairness. You got this you needn’t be bothered by her demands especially if it is not effecting you as he isn’t allowing himself to give into her demands. I know easier said then done you can do it I know you can

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    @Mari2,

    It’s good to hear you’re working hard to accept your polygamous marriage. To make it easier, just ask Allah with sincerity to make your marriage peaceful and serene. Ask him to let you accept whatever He decides. Ask Allah for what you want instead of relying on yourself. You’ll get better results. You won’t have to work so hard either. Ya know what I’m saying..,

    So she demanded more money? I doubt it surprised you. You know the mentality

  • Mari2

    June 5, 2015

    Working hard to accept my polygamous situation. M offered me and co the same allowance for Eid. While his USD contribution to me goes far less here than in Pakistan I was fine with what he offered me. I understand how hard he works. But number 2 reared her head and demanded more money. She wasn’t satisfied with what he sent her money wise. But M did refuse to send her any more money.

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2015

    As Salaam Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I have received a couple of requests from people asking how they could contact me to discuss things. The “contact us” form is available for those who have suggestions or concerns that are not related to their personal lives or information that should be posted on the blog. As much as I would like to talk to everyone one on one, I cannot do so and maintain the blog and my personal life as well. I kindly ask everyone to comment on the blog because it may not only help them but help others, as well.

    Thank you for your consideration and cooperation.

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2015

    Rahma,

    I gave thought to the scenario you gave. You said, “Also I think it has a lot the do with the western society we grow up in; basic scenario=husband divorces wife to be with his mistress. We are taught he doesn’t longer love his wife, but how true is this in reality?”

    What you stated is interesting because many times the husband hides the mistress from the wife as he knows the wife wouldn’t approve, and would DEMAND a divorce. Usually it’s the wife who demands the divorce, not the husband.

    Sometimes the wife knows about the mistress and closes her eyes to the affair her husband is having. The husband and wife don’t divorce. He continues to do his think and the wife tries to ignore it, as best she can.

    There are other times that the husband divorces the wife because he must choose between the mistress and the wife. The mistress or the wife gives him an ultimatum and he must decide between the two. He chooses the mistress. It’s somewhat like having a “favorite wife” in a polygamous marriage. He just was never married to the mistress. He is given a choice and chooses his favorite.

    There are occasions in which a husband may just love the new woman so much, doesn’t love the wife, and wants to be with the new woman in monogamy. He divorces the wife regardless of what she offer him to stay married.

    There are quite a number of scenarios. Nonetheless, divorce is available in Islam. It appears that if the husband doesn’t flat out divorce a wife and takes another wife and he makes the prior wife feel loved, he loves her. He could love both wives, have and keep both wive.

    Those are my thoughts on the matter. Nonetheless, it’s best to be grateful for all the good we get, as it all comes from Allah. Allah has many vehicles (people) to deliver the gifts and goods to us. We need Allah to love us. A husband’s love is not worth very much. We need to get our priorities straight.

  • Rahma

    May 28, 2015

    @Ana and Jasmina

    Thank you so much for your words. They really helped me realise I need to be thankful to Allah first.
    Things could be worse. My husband doesnt need to send me anything but he does. He tries to make me feel loved, and I turn him down.
    I think it has a lot to do with excepting men are actually capable of loving more than one wife, and that doesn’t decrease his love for either one of them. That’s a lot harder to accept than I originally thought.
    I’m trying to convince myself he still loves me and yes I need to constantly do this.
    I sometimes wonder if it has to do with the way I view myself, am I confident about who I am as a person?
    Also I think it has a lot the do with the western society we grow up in; basic scenario=husband divorces wife to be with his mistress. We are taught he doesn’t longer love his wife, but how true is this in reality?
    Anyway it feels like a lesson which had to be learned; be grateful for what you get, always <3

  • Jasmina

    May 28, 2015

    Rahma yeah u are so blessed that you gets calls messages and gifts. Wish i had that. Hubs will call sometimes like 2 x in a month from work but doesnt send sweet messages, doesnt gift me, def no pics of him. U r very lucky.

  • Jasmina

    May 28, 2015

    I dont think about the other much. She is his second but hubby and i divorced for a while and remarried and so I am his first and last now ;p that seem to help. Hubby has made comparisons in the past that hurt me like about our weights or how i could never compare to her richness and all the things she can afford yet i cannot argh when he does that i do think about her a lot but otherwise no.

    I spend most of my time thinking about my husband. Why he did and didnt do something. Like he seems to favour her but i think about him when i feel this. I get hurt.

    Like today, its almost midnight and hubby still not home from work. This happens everyday even weekends. He says he goes masjid. But i suspect he is with the other coz seriously who can work 12 hours a day and then go masjid for 4 to 6 hours before coming home for dinner and rest. And what about weekends.

    Can some please share with me what time your husband gets home? Sorry Ana i am off topic now.

  • Mari2

    May 28, 2015

    Too many times I remember her. But when I try to forget or just be with my husband, then she calls and he answers because she has some kind of crisis. So not only do I have to battle satan and his mind games but my actual husband’s actions don’t help either. I specifically asked my husband not to contact 2nd on Saturday and Sunday mornings. The 2 times all week that we have to spend with each other. Every other days he can contact her. And he does. Im just asking for 2 mornings a week that’s all. And there ALWAYS seems to be something with her each of those mornings. So no…I cannot forget her, she always arrives at breakfast.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2015

    @Muhajirah,

    continued…
    I need to say, as well, how happy I am Happy smiley face when I meet like minded people like you. You will find the majority of the commentators here are trying to remember Allah as you encourage us to do. We’re all trying to learn and become the best servants to Allah that we can possibly be. Alhumdulliah.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2015

    @Muhajirah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, dear sister

    I’m so delighted to meet you. Welcome to the 411.

    I love, love, love your post. How beautiful your post is and full of absolute truth. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us. I’m grateful to Allah that He directed you here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion or simply give us a kutbah when you feel so inclined. I appreciate it much! :-)

  • Muhajirah

    May 27, 2015

    As salamu alaikum wa rahmatuAllah wa barrakatuh sisters,

    DschasakAllahu chairan Ana for your wise words in your posts. BarakAllahu fikum also the other sisters!
    Its so good for the heart, to talk to someone who remember to Allah!

    Its reallay a battle between ourself and shaitan, who try to go between our hearts and Allah swt. Maybe some points could help you – also me forget them oftenly …

    I always try to remember me,
    – that my love for Allah must be the highest and strongest
    – my trust and hope about anything in this Dunya is just to Allah
    – that good or bad comes from Allah
    – that nobody can give me more or less what Allah planed for me
    – its my thinking which effected my feelings, and how i see a situation in the end
    – to make a wall between me & my husband and the other womens, try to live the moment – and enjoy
    – its satan who will slide between my relationship with my husband and me to break it: if my thoughts start to think about the co wife – don’t give satan attention about his waswas.
    – that i am good enough, because i give my best to be a good wife
    – my husband loves me, also if satan will tell me something different to make me unsure

    Me too, sometimes make me feel to beat up – but this happend also in the past about other points. Life is not easy, regarding anything else.

    I wish, i will come on this point one time in my life, where i finde peace in my heart when i say Alhamdulillah – for good, nice, happy times also as for proofes or difficult situations – with a big love and a great trust about Allah and his plans for my life.

    We are servants to Allah – also in our marriage.

    May Allah (swt) turn our hearts to him, our reminding to him, to take his pleasure and founding the good in Dunya and hereafter. May he help us to clean our hearts and giving us strongness against the bad and wrong thinking, and fullfill our mind with peace and love to him.

    Fi amani Allah wa alaikum salam my dear sisters

  • anabellah

    May 25, 2015

    @Lina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you. You most certainly are not the only one going crazy Crazy Sign with agonizing thoughts of a co. Actually, it’s to be expected. It’s very much the norm. Satan probably has a good ole time messing with wives in polygamous marriage – the little devil.

    Lina, you stated, “I agree that it’s not about the co wife. She has her own life and battle just like us. It’s the satan that we should beware and struggle not to fall in his traps.” I’m glad you mentioned it because many wives think the co-wives are out there living the life, care free and happy. It’s not necessarily so. They are plagued with their own problems related to polygamy.

    There is no need for any wife in a polygamous marriage to feel alone in 2015. We (all the wonderful commentator at polygamy 411) are here for everyone. I like very much what you said, which is as follows: “May Allah bless us and shower us with His love, merciful and forgiveness. May Allah give us strength in our own personal battle.” Alhumdulliah Rabil Alameen!!!

  • Lina

    May 24, 2015

    Assalamu`alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

    Dear Ana and all beautiful & extraordinary ladies,

    Alhamdulillah! I love this article. I’ve been waiting to read someone write about this. Yes! Only those who are in polygamous could understand our situation. It’s always in my mind. I’m curious do other wives in polygamy marriage also think about their co wives like I do? Your writing has proven that I’m not the only one going crazy here…

    I admit that some time I think of my co wife more than my beloved husband. I also feel what Rahma and Ummu `Ain feel. Getting photos of husband should make me happy and grateful that he’s thinking of me, but sometimes the bad thought just appeared saying that he must already sent those photos of him to my co wife and just thought he should send to me as well.

    Ana, thank you for this reminder. I agree that it’s not about the co wife. She has her own life and battle just like us. It’s the satan that we should beware and struggle not to fall in his traps.

    I’m grateful to Allah that I could learn a lot from this group and do not feel alone.

    May Allah bless us and shower us with His love, merciful and forgiveness. May Allah give us strength in our own personal battle.

  • Fatimah

    May 24, 2015

    As salaamu Alaikum
    @Ana
    Nothing we do is for nought! Allah swt had me read this post to help me understand something that I had done a few weeks ago in regards to a gift given to me by my husband. A friend told me to see the gift as a gift from Allah swt. Its not that I didnt WANT to see it as it coming from Allah swt, I don’t think I was ready to embrace it. AlHamdulilla, apparently Allah swt wants me to embrace it. I totally regret what ive done and prsy Allah swt forgives me for showing HIM ingratitude no matter the circumstances.

  • anabellah

    May 24, 2015

    @Rahma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I think what you’re going through is quite common, as well. You need to ask yourself how you’d feel if you knew your husband communicates with the co and not with you when he’s away. How do you think you’d feel if you didn’t get a phone call, a pic, a gift or anything from him? It seems the husbands are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Your husbands is doing all those things, calling you, sending you pics, and giving you gifts. He doesn’t have to do it. If he didn’t love you, he’d probably not do it. What reason would he have to do it, if he didn’t love you? There are some husbands who clearly let the one wife know she’s the favorite and let the other wife wonder where she fits in. Your husband doesn’t do it, but are you grateful? I’ll talk more about gratitude in a minute.

    The husbands are polygamous which means they have more than one wife. If a husband is away on a business trip, it would be expected that the husband would call all his wives, would send pics to all of them and give all of them gifts. Hopefully the gifts will be different, but some husband aren’t creative and give the wives the same thing. It’s to be expected. The marriage is not monogamous, so the woman has to wrap her head around the fact that the husband is loving someone else and giving to more than just her. It’s fact and nothing less could be expected.

    I recently had a talk with my wali about a gift I had received that I wasn’t very excited about for a certain reason. He got me straight very quickly. He said I was ungrateful. He didn’t pull any punches. He straight up said I was ungrateful. I was ungrateful not to the person who had given me the gift. I was ungrateful to Allah. The gift came from Allah. Allah gave me the gift. The person who gave me the gift was the person who Allah had deliver it to me. It’s not the person who I was supposed to be grateful to, it was Allah. By me questioning the gift showed my ingratitude.

    Allah has your husband call you, send you the pics and give you the gifts. It’s not your husband you are ungrateful to; it’s Allah. I learned a valuable lesson. Life isn’t all about us. When we receive anything good we should thank Allah for it and be grateful to him. Your husband doesn’t have to call you, send you pics or give you gifts. It was out of the graciousness and mercy of Allah that you got those thing. We need to put things in its proper perspective.

  • Rahma

    May 23, 2015

    Assalaam alaykum all,
    It has been a while. I really couldn’t handle any polygamy-talk to be honest. Sometimes I just feel like hiding far, far away and never look back.
    It has been too confronting. This post is the first I read since a while, basically originating from a feeling that “it can’t get any worse than this, let’s read”. It might sound like self-torture and maybe it is.
    And o yes im absolutely in the stage of remembering cowife. The fact that I see a lot of communication going on between husband and co doesnt really help with that tbh.
    I doubt every kind word he says; when he phones me unexpectedly I think o he must have been talking to her before and now phones me to treat us “equally”.
    He has been abroad for a while, I couldn’t stand him sending pictures (of him) to me or telling me he missed me. In fact I couldn’t even bear to hear his voice. All because I’m thinking; he tells her the same, he sends her the same stuff. I just can’t take it. I’d rather not hear from him at all and just live my life.
    It’s basically the thought that I just can’t believe he still loves me. Why would he? He has found someone young, new and interesting.
    It makes me feel so lonely.
    May Allah guide me and us all.

  • anabellah

    May 23, 2015

    @’Ummu ‘Ain, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m so glad that the post was helpful to you and you are feeling better. What you said happened is enough to make any wife flip out and enter a state of temporary insanity. Sometimes we just snap, crackle and pop. I know what you mean.

    It’s important that we pull ourselves together as quickly as possible, get a grip and get back on track. You did good!!! When we have a relapse such as it or something sets us back, when we remember Allah we see things clearly. Allah is there to help us, if we remember Him and sincerely want to serve him. He had me write the post. He inspired me. Allah u Akbar!

    What is so helpful and gets us to a good place is to remember that Allah wrote the script. We have to go with it. If anyone has wronged us, Allah sees it. No one gets away with anything. It could be a test for you. I’d like to get to the point where I say, Alhumdulliah even when serious stuff that could cause me to go off the deep end happens. I want to be able to say, Alhumdulliah, in circumstances such as it and mean it wholeheartedly. I’m quite a ways from being there, for sure LOL I may be way far from being there LOL, but I’d like to be and I believe one day with the help and permission of Allah, I will be. Let’s both aspire to be there :-)

    Much love to you, too, my dear sister!

  • anabellah

    May 23, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I cannot relate to you thinking of people who didn’t work out with your husband when he was in the market for another wife. It’s like thinking of someone I dated once upon a time and wondering if he misses me or what it would be like if we were together and stuff like that. I never go there. If it didn’t work out it yesterday, it’s dead. It’s out of sight and out of mind. I don’t waste time on what could have been and what someone is thinking when the person is not a part of my life. It’s just me. Maybe someone else out there who could relate to what you stated.

    I can relate to what you said, which is the following: “I’m glad we believe in destiny because it helps me shut those thoughts off, our life is what it is and those women didn’t work out because they weren’t meant to. He’s happy where he is and is satisfied for now with what he has, we’ll deal with anything else in the future”

  • 'Ummu 'Ain

    May 23, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum…

    Sis Ana…this time your post really hit the nail on the head especially for me at this very moment and alhamdulillah…again it snaps me back into reality.

    You’ve mentioned it… it’s definitely a cycle that i have to go through…again and again. It’s just frustrating when I thought I’m at a good a place and I’ve conquered my battle…and then an incident happens which triggers a conflict and I end up at the exact same place as before. So clearly, syaitaan has me where he wants me to be. Astaghfirullah…I definitely do not want him to set up shop in my head…let alone wrap his fingers around me…wa ‘iyaadzubillah (may Allah protect me).

    Why…only a few days ago an episode took place. It was nice and smooth welcoming hubs back from his time with co cum biz trip. And then…it happened. While on FB I happen to come across co’s new profile picture (btw…Im not her FB friend – this was through another friend) …and it’s of her and hubs in front of OUR newly-launched biz office… with his arm around her. It just took me a glance at it…and all hell broke loose!! Laa haula wa laa quwwata illa billah….

    Actually I have gotten used to seeing his photos of him and her…and I guess I have somehow conquered whatever uncomfortable feelings this enemy of ours has brought to my plate. But this time, he actually stepped up in his game by somehow making me feel utterly jealous to see that the new business my husband has set up with MY ideas, contribution and support…is being enjoyed there with his other wife…huhuhu….that tiny little prick from him was enough to cloud me and send me flying at hubs…yet again…astaghfirullah. And so following that episode, she and that image of her and hubs have been stuck in my mind like glue for at least 2-3 days!! …till I read your post.

    Sometimes I feel that I have not learnt anything from the previous incident…so I really appreciate reminders like this which I am convinced, is from Allah ‘azza wa jall. Alhamdulillah. Jazaakillah khair sis ana.

    Much love

  • Ruqayyah

    May 23, 2015

    I have this problem, although they aren’t my co wives I can’t help but think of the women he was going to marry. Try as hard as I can I think of them, if he’d be happier with them, if they are okay without him, if they are jealous (and sometimes that makes me happy lol). There are so many thoughts in my head and I’m glad we believe in destiny because it helps me shut those thoughts off, our life is what it is and those women didn’t work out because they weren’t meant to. He’s happy where he is and is satisfied for now with what he has, we’ll deal with anything else in the future!

  • anabellah

    May 23, 2015

    I think going through what I’ve written above is quite common for the average Muslim woman who is in a polygamous marriage. The majority never set out to be in such a marriage. She never wanted a polygamous marriage. I think what I mentioned in the thread is something all of the women go through and it’s part of a stage in the marriage that one has to tackle and win. It’s not easy by far. It’s downright tough and difficult to deal with. A wife could get to a good place with it and then relapse. The main reason for a relapse is because Satan is always there on his game, ready to pounce on us. We have to constantly be on guard and ready to fight him.

    Another thing is if being in a polygamous marriage is for purification of our souls, the battle could be a lengthy one. We have to persevere, which means hang in there in the battle and not give up or despair. It’s where the test comes in. At times we may want to throw in the towel and give up. We want to say, for instance, look, I’m outta here. I don’t need this. I’d rather be alone than deal with this nonsense.

    Some women may go that route. Most women, however, love their husbands and their husbands love them, so it makes no sense to leave, when one consider the only reason she’d leave is only because he is polygamous. Pain and heartache and heartbreak is part of life. So if someone doesn’t get it in a polygamous marriage, they will get it in some other aspect of life.

    I know quite a few women who are without a husband. Some are divorced. Some have never been married because they haven’t come across the special someone to marry. The women who leave husbands they love because of the problems they have in trying to accept polygamy could wind up amongst that group. If she marries a Muslim man, polygamy is always a possibility for her.

    What I wrote about in the thread is something very real and very, very common. No one conquers it over night. Once one feels she has conquered it, she may find herself in another war – at war with herself and battling Satan again with the same issue. She could be on her menses and it throws her off and set her back or something could happen between the other wife and the husband that interferes with her and she falls back in that mode again. We may feel beat up at times Boxing corner but we’ve got to keep going. We have to see for ourselves what we’ve got – strength, stamina and determination.

    farah and alison, know that I understand exactly where you both are coming from. I feel ya…

    I truly believe there is much good a woman could derive from living this lifestyle. I truly believe it could HELP pave a woman’s way to enter Jannah/Paradise as it very well could be a means to purify the soul. We cannot enter Paradise with an impure heart.

  • alison

    May 23, 2015

    Salaam aleikum all the beautiful ladies…tnx for the lovely reminder this is sooo real to some of us..at times it feels like not only has Satan set up shop but also moved in in my head…the thought can be so tormenting at times and pain so real and that’s why these reminders make a difference.tnx so much

  • farah

    May 23, 2015

    Assalamualaikum All I think of my Co exactly like how u wrote…I trust Allah I prat but cnt forget that woman :(

  • anabellah

    May 23, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone Little Cutie Says Hello
    This is a new post/thread. It’s nothing we haven’t already discussed. It’s a topic that is important and it’s a reminder for all of us. It’s important to stay mindful of Allah at all times. It’s not an easy thing to do. It’s a personal jihad. It’s a battle with self. It’s why we all need all the reminders that we get. I’m definitely in need. It may seem repetitious, but I relish repetition, if it’s beneficial. It benefits me and I’m hopeful it will be beneficial to us all.