Women Feel Depressed in Polygamous marriages

women feel depressed in polygamous marriagesMany Muslim women feel depressed in polygamous marriages. It usually happens when they first find themselves in the marriage. I say find themselves in polygamous marriages, as most women never wanted such a marriage to begin with. Their husbands wanted it.

They suffer severe depression. It’s important to note that feeling a bit down happens every now and again for everyone. It’s “normal”. Also, it’s known as the “blues” when one feels a bit sad. Some refer to it as being “down in the dumps”. Others may say it’s having “a bad day”. It usually doesn’t last long. Maybe it lasts an entire day or part of a day.

If a wife feels depressed, I suggest that she quickly recognize the feeling and intend not to linger in it. She mustn’t allow herself to wallow in it. Instead, she has to say to herself, for instance: Nope, I will not let this continue. She has to ask herself why she feels as she does. The wife needs to answer why and address the problem. Most importantly, she must pull herself up out of it.

When women feel depressed in polygamous marriages, they need to know what they are feeling

How can a woman know that she is depress and not just having the ordinary blues? Well, when depressed, the feeling sad lasts longer. Instead of it lasting a day, she could feel sad for a few days, weeks, or months.

She has gone past the blues into a dark, lonely, cold place known as severe depression. If she finds that she cannot go about her regular activities, such as cleaning house, shopping, taking care of the children and running errands etc, it’s a sign of severe depression. She won’t want to associate with people whom she normally communicates with.

The wife can’t find joy in the things that she used to do. Furthermore, she is so sad that she can’t bring herself to smile or laugh. It’s a painful state and it pains her loved one to see her that way.

Why do women feel depressed in polygamous marriages?

I’ve learned from reading the Holy Quran that one feels depressed or blue due to a wrong belief or no belief in Allah. In the case of a depressed wife who is in a polygamous marriage, she is that way, as she does not like the type of marriage that she is in. She doesn’t like her condition. The wife feels alone and has many fears. She may not feel protected, as her husband now is responsible for another family along with hers.

When women feel depressed in polygamous marriages, they must quickly begin to check themselves.  A wife should ask herself where she has fallen short in her worship and belief in Allah. Has she been doing all that Allah has ordered us, such as performing the five daily prayers? Has she been reading the Holy Quran to know what Allah expects of us or has she only been relying on word of mouth – what her forefathers have told her, for instance?

As a means to move forward and stop feeling depressed, a wife must try to distance herself from all who do not share her religion – way of life. When a wife finds herself in a polygamous marriage and she doesn’t like it, she may lean toward those who share her dislike for polygamy. It will bring her no good, but will take her further into what feels like a deep, dark hole. The more she listens to negative, hateful people, the deeper she will fall into despair. Despairing about Allah and His Power and Capability to protect and care for her etc will lead her astray. It will lead her astray from the path of Allah.

Women feel depressed in polygamous marriages when they don’t accept the marriage with enthusiasm

A Muslim wife who finds herself in a polygamous marriage and feels depressed must learn to not only accept the marriage, but to love the marriage. Why? It is because Allah has placed her in the marriage for His reason(s), and we are not to question Allah. He in the Holy Quran says:

“Say: “Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us: He is our protector”: and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.” Surah 9, Ayah 51

The next time a wife finds herself severely depressed in a polygamous marriage, she must force herself to snap out of it. She should know that Allah has a plan. He planned the marriage and made it happen.

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53 Comments

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2017

    Miss s, Welcome 🙂

    I’ve copied your post over to the thread where all are talking right now. Please join us there so you don’t get lost over here all by yourself. The link is: June 2017 Discussions

  • Miss s

    June 6, 2017

    I think my husband runs away from responsibility and ALLAH knoes best. What a pric*

  • Miss s

    June 6, 2017

    Sometimes thats so much bulls*** How about a man who fathers 5 children and effs off with someone else and leaves you by yourself with the kids locked up in an apartment??!!! How about that??
    He wants love and companionship however hes failed to give any to his wife and he expects her to come to him after cooking cleaning nappy changing and dealing with 5 boys all by herself ranging from an 11yr old to a 11month old….
    SUBHANAALLAH where is the justice???

  • Fatima

    June 21, 2015

    I forgot to mention she is a revert sister and married when she was 19 or 20 xoxo

  • Fatima

    June 21, 2015

    Loll ! I showed my friend what Gail wrote she laughed it cheered her up, great advice, she has known her husband since 17 years old and they were very very close, and then situation happened that slowly pulled them apart mainly to do with interference from thier familys and making thier marriage abit harder, the husband blamed her for so long but it was mainly his fault not fufilling his rights, my friend she is as loyal as can get she never was so good to him and respected him even tho he put her through hell and she is really beautiful but like I said through all the stress she went down hill, after she found out her husbands mistake she was distraught she told me how she felt she was worthless like what had she done so wrong to him how wasn’t she good enough how could a women come and take him like that so easily, anyway I’m getting of topic lol they both decid d to move one with each other heaps of times but he kept on making mistakes because he was either adjusting to polygamy or just wasn’t being faithful or fair, she still love him deeply and he claims to but he shows different and she told how she feels like if he can’t not only give her her rights or even do it because he loves her naturally then he doesn’t deserve her, all well Allah knows best, I hope she does turn on Allah and concentrate on what is more important and what you both said was perfect, my friend likes blog site I’m going to send it to her so She can read and get help if she ever needs, thankyou so so much for ur time and help jazakAllah Khair

  • Gail

    June 20, 2015

    Fatima,
    It is really strange u should mention a circumstance like that because that is exactly what happened in my marriage.My husband gave me all the attention while the first wife was left to in Pakistan to look after his parents and serve them and his family.She became very bitter over the years(who could blame her).He told me he never loved her and it was an arranged marriage(they are first cousins).My story is very long but I will tell u this it is better the first wife stop focusing on her husband and just focus on herself and make herself a priority.U can’t make someone love u or even lust after u so it is better to just focus on herself and more than likely given sometime hubby will see a change in her and see her in a different light.It is really amazing when wives stop putting the focus on the husband and put it on themselves how much change can actually occur.Tell her don’t stress out and keep looking forward.Listen also tell her to make certain she is getting her rights sexually.She needs to demand her rights even if he don’t find her sexually as exciting as the cowife that is not her problem she is a woman with needs she should not ever suppress her needs and if he refuses tell her go to adult store and purchase a vibrator and use it right in front of him.He will figure and get the point and if not then she can shove it up his A$$. Just teasing!! LOL Kinda. My point is though make sure she is verbal and demand her rights.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2015

    @Fatima,

    About the person whom you know that is down because of her husband shows more love and affection to the second wife, I know it must be very difficult for her emotionally to cope. We know it’s not unusual for a husband to have a favorite wife. If it gets to the point where the wife is feeling neglected as though in that left hanging position and she has talked to her husband about it, she needs to take her complaint to Allah. Allah sees and knows all thing, but He wants us to call on Him. She should ask Allah to make things better for her – not make her husband love her – but make her life better. Only Allah could improve our condition. It could be a good thing that her husband is distant from her. Maybe her husband is not good for her. We don’t know why Allah does what he does. We sometimes want a thing that is bad for us and sometimes don’t want a thing that is good for us.

    It is more important that Allah loves us, not that a husband loves us. Could it be that Allah turns the husband away from a woman because she has too much love in her heart for the husband and not enough love in her heart for Allah? If a wife doesn’t feel her husband’s love, it could be a way for the wife to drawer nearer to Allah.

    A wife has to come to understand that Allah controls the heart. Allah places love in the heart. The wife can’t blame the husband for loving one wife more than the other. If he loves one wife more than another it is bound to show. He can’t hide it. She has to learn to cope with it. If she makes life all about her husband, she will suffer miserably when she doesn’t get what she wants from him. If a wife makes life about Allah, her life will be beautiful. She won’t care about her husband’s love for her. Allah will give her peace and contentment in her life when she makes life about Him. He could turn the husband around, and cause him to become attentive to her. He could replace the husband, and give her one better. Allah can do ALL things…

    Fatima, tell the lady whom you know to change her focus from her husband to Allah so she could have peace in her heart and mind.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2015

    @Fatima, As Salaamu Alaikum

    How nice it is that you and your co are talking a bit more. Alhumdulliah 🙂 Good for you! I pray Allah is well pleased with you for all your efforts. You do seem to have a big heart. About communicating with your co, take baby steps. Take it easy. Everything will be okay. Don’t expect to move a mountain overnight. Patience, perseverance and prayer are key components in having a better relationship with your co and becoming a family. At least you are dealing with a co who is open to having a friendly relationship with you. It is truly a blessing.

    About the person you know in a polygamous marriage and the husband is more attentive to the second wife, I’m glad to hear she is picking herself back up and pulling herself together. It is common that when women are in polygamous marriages and it’s all way new for them, they get way depressed. They let themselves go. It happens to most women who are in polygamous marriages. They gain weight. They lose interest in the things they used to like doing and they slacken in their normal everyday duties and responsibilities. The person is at an all time low.

    The wonderful part about it is that it doesn’t have to be a lasting thing. Most women at a point will see what has happened and begin to get themselves together. It’s not the end of the world, if a woman gains weight or loses it. It’s not as though she is stuck like it for the rest of her life. A woman can lose weight.

    Once the woman see that she’s let her self go and realizes she needs to pull herself together, she needs to start eating right. Eat good nutritious foods, take vitamins and other supplements, get fresh air, exercise, if she could afford facials, manicures and pedicure, get those too. Get a beauty regime going. All is not lost. I’ve been depressed to the point I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I’m like – who the heck is that person. It was soooo weird. I began to care about me again and at that point, I pulled myself together in a jiffy with the help and permission of Allah. I went back to being my beautiful, awesome self again. Alhumdulliah. It was just a thing I had to go through. It’s all good.

  • Fatima

    June 20, 2015

    Thankyou heaps Gail that is great advice me and my co wife started out like that lol but because of how the situation was and through everything being new and jelousy being involved it pushed us away and we didn’t have feelings to talk to each other, I showed them both the advice I was given and both my husband and co loved it and was very impressed, me and my co started talking tonight so hopefully we all improve, i feel like I can’t cope with anymore hurt or pain in my life expecially from my marriage, I know when we all work together and do our parts fairly it should work out otherwise what’s the point of continuing, I worry about something I was talking to someone who knew a girl who is in polygny and this girl was the first wife like me, she had 3 kids, she had a rough marriage which led to her husband doing something wrong due to certain circumstances and then they ended up in the situation of polygyny, i won’t go into to much detail the husband gave his second wife more physical attention and affection than his first one and the first one was very upset because he claims to love her but hardly gives her affection she respects him and does so much for him but because of stress she let go of herself a lot to Do the husband fault and she is slowly rebuilding herself and health beauty back up, is it fair that the husband gives his second more physical love and affection than first is that a sign that the husband doesn’t love his first as much it makes that girl miserable and she had big fights with her husband, I’m curious what ur opinions are because if I was her I don’t know what I should think or do I hope that never happens to me, thankyou guys heaps once again

  • Gail

    June 20, 2015

    Fatima,
    Happy to have u here on the blog!
    It seems u r a very sweet girl and I am sure you are a really great cowife
    I think it is great that u r younger in your 20s and in Polygamy because u will mature in polygamy.I would say the number one thing u can do both of u is being just and fair and respecting each others wishes.Every now and again do something nice for your cowife like a small gift or baked cookies.Listen u don’t feel strange u accepted Polygamy embrace it don’t think about the culture and only one wife per husband rule because that will trip u up every single time understand? Fight your jealousies and do not give into it as hard as it is.There is no doubt there will be many times u will want to rip each others heads off and scratch each others eyes out but u must learn to build a bridge and get over it and move on.Always keep moving forward and u will be fine.

  • Fatima

    June 19, 2015

    Ana, thankyou so much for everything honestly you have been a blessing for me, And everything you said I agree to it completely I am willing to try this out and I want to show my husband and co wife Mabey this will help make things easier for us you opened up my eyes to a lot Thankyou, I really needed the advice expecially this Ramadan because it Deffinantly doesn’t help when yu have negativity around, I will let you know how it all went, I’m from Down under ( trying to keep it as secretive as possible lol) so I dnt know anyone around me in This situation and everyone around us is against it so we are very careful lol Thankyou and good luck this Ramadan im sure yu will get lots of blessings and I’m praying for you and All the other women here

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2015

    @Fatima,

    You ask if it’s possible for co s to work together and be close. Well, it sounds that you and yours are on your way to doing it. As long as you both want to put Allah first and do all good things, seeking the good pleasure of Allah and His blessings, as long as you both are aware of Allah when you and the co communicate with each other, you’re on your way to not only finding peace and tranquility in your marriage, but, Insha Allah, are paving a way for you to enter Jannah.

    Don’t do anything with your husband in mind. Do it with Allah in mind. Allah will then let you do good. Your husband would reap the benefit of the good that Allah allows you to do. For instance, say you’re going to cook a good dinner to do a good deed and want Allah to be pleased with you. Your husband gets a good dinner. On the other hand, take for instance you say you’re going to cook a good dinner for your husband so your husband would be pleased with you. You don’t think about Allah. You only think about making the best dinner for your husband so he’d love your food more than the co s and he’d be pleased with you. Your husband may get a good dinner or not. Anyhow, you won’t get any blessings for having cooked the good dinner because you weren’t doing it with Allah in mind. You weren’t conscious of Allah. See the difference? Even if you remembered Allah and cooked the dinner, but your husband wasn’t pleased with it, YOU WOULD NOT CARE because you did it remembering Allah and you get the barakats (blessings) for it 🙂 It’s beautiful.

    It is sooo good to hear you are happy with the way your husband is treating you. It is known to happen. It’s not unusual for men to grow closer in love for their wives when the wives want to accept what Allah has allowed men to do (become polygamous), and don’t try to stand in the way. Husbands are human and make mistakes. They feel their way around in this thing (polygamy), trying to figure it out the same as the ladies do. It’s all good.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2015

    @Fatima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I am so happy you have found the blog helpful and you like the post. Alhumdulliah 🙂 You are among people who actually live polygamy here. It’s no picnic, walk in the park, bed or roses or anything like it, for sure. It’s is a long, difficult and painful journey, but most the ladies here make it through it and come out stronger, more content with life and better people than they’ve ever been. I like my life a bunch, and wouldn’t want it any other way. Everyone in life has ups and downs, good days and some not so good. Some days are better than others. It’s the planet earth that we are on. It’s not Paradise/Jannah, so why should we think it should be blissful here?

    I understand when you said you and your co sometimes don’t like each other. It sounds about right. You’re blessed in that you and your co could at least communicate sometimes at least in a cordial manner. You’re doing way better than most. It’s not often one comes across ladies in polygamous marriages that can get along even half way decently with a co. You should expect that you won’t like each other every day. Sometimes husbands and wives don’t even like each other at times. No one like someone else all the time.

    If one really begin to think about what she’s in (a polygamous marriage), she’d dislike the situation. It’s Satan trying to get her to be discontented with her life – telling her this is not what you signed up for in life. You wanted a husband all to yourself and yadi, yadi, yadi. Don’t listen to him (Satan), not for a minute. Quash the thought as soon as it comes to mind.

    I understand that you are only able to share so much with us for safety reasons. It’s okay. It’s good to read your post, as you sound so happy

  • Fatima

    June 19, 2015

    This is by far the best blog post I have ever seen ! How much better I feel whenever I read it! Awesome advice n you guys make me laugh and realise life is better than what I see it as, and how no one can control ur life that we have to make a stand for ourselfs and trust Allah, I did that for so long let the people push me around, I respected and listened to the point it went to far that people start using you but not anymore lol, me and my co wife don’t talk much and are seperate we don’t hate each other but time to time we dislike each other because we are in this situation is it possible for cowives to work together and become close, would it benefit me her and our husband, I kind of feel scared of getting hurt again, my husband is a good man but he made mistake he has to fix and it has been a Rocky year for me, my husband has been better with me and our kids i am only in my 20s, I love how yu said that God has a plan for us and this is apart of it, makes me have hope because I have phases frequently of losing hope because my life in the last 4 years have been not the best, like how you said God knows what is best for us, I feel not so alone on this blog and I have someone I can talk to and I’m so suprised how fast you wrote back. My husband likes this blog he told me how it is great to see a women who has been through the experience helping others guiding them through an easier direction. I wonder how I should be with my cowife she has had a rough life brought up in a third world country and wasn’t raised by her own parents she has no family around her only my husband, we have Akward feelings about each other and because we are raised up in this western society we don’t know how to handle each other or this situation we don’t know how to treat each other or think of it as because we would like it to be just for eg me and my husband I am not able to explain my whole situation to get advice for safety reasons anyway Thankyou once again lol Salamu alaykum

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2015

    Below is a link to a nice, simple article and very short video about depression that is interesting:

    http://www.everydayhealth.com/depression/symptoms.aspx

  • Shabanah

    January 19, 2015

    Marie
    I understood what you meant. Im sure you’re an awesome super mom.

    But men let things go like it never even happened. I don’t know how they do it. I guess us females have too many hormonal emotions causing us to go coo coo crazy at times and holding on to anger etc until the cows come home. But we live and learn and it gets better.
    Im also happy we are all learning to move on and overcome situations and rise above those who used to hurt us. Life is a blessing in itself. Polygamy is a whole other story. Alhumdullilaah.

  • Marie

    January 19, 2015

    After reading my comment back, I made it seem like I don’t feed and bath my kids when he’s here, I’m sure you all got what I ment but just to clarify, I do it all before he leaves so there’s nothing left to do but chill out and pamper myself.

  • Marie

    January 19, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Alhamdulilah, that we are able to move on from situations that once distressed us. I for one am terrible for reliving the past and holding on to bad feelings and thoughts, I find it so difficult to just let it go, although I’m getting better at it. I’m sure I sound like a broken record to my husband, I always say the same things and remind him of my times of pain. My husband however let’s things go soooo easily, he forgives and forgets in a matter of minutes. Times when iv gone absolutely ape $h!t, then I’ll apologise after, he says “iv forgotten about it now, as soon as you smile everything’s fine” he’s such a sweetheart. He’s always telling me to let things go, and we can’t change the past, but can learn from it. I know he’s right but sometimes it seems impossible.

    I haven’t been mean directly to my co, but iv said mean things about her, which is just as bad. Alhamdulilah we’ve been kept apart and haven’t spoken to each other for years. I have no need to, I can be kind and considerate, without ever having to talk to her.

    Another good thing is, I no longer feel the need to hear hubz tell me he loves and misses me, he still says it often, but when he doesn’t I don’t get all bent out of shape. I hadn’t noticed that till recently. Also I noticed on the day he leaves, I seem to have got into a routine of doing all the housework, feeding and bathing the kids and planning what movie I’m going to watch. I look forward to my me time. That’s something I didn’t expect. Iv been with him so long, I forgot I actually like to be by myself lol.

    Oh the surprises in polygamy, what a journey it is.

    I think iv rambled on enough. Love to you all, my beautiful sisters

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2015

    @Hilly and Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It’s good to hear the two of you are at a better place now. It’s weird I could look back at the way I had been, the very NOT nice way I’ve reacted to situations, the things I did and I can’t believe I was that person. It’s hard to believe I could have been so terribly mean. I’ve forgotten a lot of it until I make myself remember by intentionally thinking of it. It doesn’t last long as I quash the thought quickly. I thank Allah for not letting me think about yesterday anymore the way I had. I’m thankful now for having gone through all I went through, and would do it again. It was a wonderful learning experience. I believe pain does purify. It’s truly amazing. Going through a thing causes one to enjoy life more and see life in a totally different light. It makes one love life – until I read the news and what’s happening all over the globe 🙁 I read a Brazilian guy had drugs on his carry on when he got to Indonesia. They executed him yesterday. If I remember correctly, it was death by firing squad. How crazy is that? Sigh

    Okay, it almost 3:00 a.m., although, I’m not sleepy, I’m going to try to get some shut eye, Insha Allah.

  • Shabanah

    January 19, 2015

    For years I was lost, hurt and in so much pain. I cried myself to sleep for years and years every night which isin’t good. I couldn’t control my temper, I reacted to everything. It was a horrible way to live but I learned life lessons. I couldn’t stand being in the same room as my sec co. She’d walk in I’d walk out. We wouldn’t speak to one another for months at a time. She said nasty things to me in the presence of our husband and he never really shut her down but im over that. It wasnt until last year, a few weeks before giving birth to my youngest we got into a heated argument in the presence of our hubs and she asked why did I hate her so much. It was as if a light bulb turned on in my head, as of I awoke from a deep sleep or something. Within that moment all the evil things she did and said to me or about ny child and I had no importance. I asked myself how can I harvest such hatred in my heart for another muslim. That statement opened my eyes. Im not a hateful spiteful person. I learned to let people be. Allah is Just. Love all trust few do wrong to no one.
    Thank you hilly for your beautiful dua. May Allah’s blessings and mercy shower upon you and your family like rain. Im so happy you are in a better place as well.

  • Hilly

    January 19, 2015

    Shabanah, I hear what you are saying. All that negative stuff is not good for anyone. Have to keep reminding myself of that too. I was holding on to so much negative stuff for years in my heart. It came times when there was so much there that I just did not know what to do with it. Could not talk to anyone about any my feelings because I really did not have anyone during that time that I felt would give me positive feedback. And for awhile I was not active here on the blog. I was just plain lost, hurt, very confused and the list goes on. I went through a period last year where, you might say that I was the semi crazy co wife. Nothing to the extreme. I did a 360. Then I did a 360 again and got back on the right track. We have to in some way to let it go and let it out. It took me a long to realize that I was just wasting my precious time. Praise to Allah swt for the way I see things now. Praise always to Allah swt, that your time has come to shine within yourself. May Allah swt continue to guide you and increase your faith and patience. Inshallah may your day be filled with more blessings from Allah swt.

  • Shabanah

    January 19, 2015

    Good Night. Please get well soon. We need you on your A-game here. Much love. As salaamu alaikum

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    Shabanah,

    Good for you. Let miss Thang clean her own room. I know you only mean well. I could see how she may be envious of you. You’re a cutie pie (I saw her pic 4 those who wonder how I know). You have a good heart based on what I know of you. Everything will be okay, sis. Iz got to go now.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    It’s common for us to talk over and over again about things that happened way back when. We go over and over the same thing again and again and again like a broken record. I don’t know what that’s about, but it’s something up with that. We talked about the same things repeatedly for years lol. I’m serious.

    This blog is weird in that we talk all at the same time or all stop talking at the same. It’s how it goes. Strange…

  • Shabanah

    January 18, 2015

    I started having the maid clean the entire room I just organize the closets. Gail im not nor my family has a drop if Pakistani blood in us. No maam. You are too funny i just might do that to the co. She knows how to push my buttons. Lol but no. That’s just doing her a favor and I’ll live with the guilt. Im not going to let her turn me into someone im not. Allah is my best friend nothing else matters. A lot of things I dont care about and I dont let it affect me anymore until once in a blue moon when I go through my sad phases. I let it out here bc I no longer want to hold onto it. Im breaking free from negativity…often times I post in the different discussions about problems I was facing years ago everything I say doesn’t necessarily happen at that moment but im slowling deep cleansing within my soul. There’s no room for pain.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    If I were to suggest you do anything, it would be not to clean your husband and the second co’s room when she has been with your husband, unless you intent to use the room after them. Let her clean it. It’s only right. Why should you have what they’ve done clearly in your face time after time? It’s one thing to keep the house clean and it’s another thing to clean up after your second co. Sometimes you have to demand respect. It’s difficult for someone to respect someone they feel is beneath them, and wants the person to stay there. It sounds it’s the case with your co. She thinks you are beneath her. and wants you to remain there. I say it because I could not in all good consciousness ask anyone other than a maid to do such a thing for me after I’ve been intimate with my husband or could have been. Those are just some of my thoughts for what they are worth.

  • Gail

    January 18, 2015

    Shabanah,
    Yes girl u understand everything.For sure your husband is not that type person or he would not have married u unless he was looking for greencard.In your case I think u r fine but I do wonder if u r having to put up with a little racist from your second cowife.I know u said she is not Paki but I still wonder if where she comes from if she could be like that maybe not who knows she might just like being hateful some people do.
    Sorry about getting your race mixed up lol.U mentioned u are part Asian does your family happen to be part Pakistani?
    I really think in your case your second cowife is your main issue.Look on the bright side if she keeps it up just plan an outing and u turn the gas on hahahah or just choke her a$$ and tell G.D she died.hahahah OK ok I am just teasing but she really needs to knock it off before u end up exploding all over the place.
    Honestly if I were u I would sit down write out a list of what is bothering u about that witch and go over the list with us first to see if u r being petty or if u really have a valid reason to speak up.This might help u since we r all older and can say yeah u need to speak up on this topic or hey let this go.Sometimes it helps to mow it over with older woman just a thought.
    I know when i was younger everything seemed like drama but now that I am older I am like whatever on so many things.Not that I am saying u r being a dram queen because I don’t believe u r at all but like the old saying goes u can’t eat an elephant in one bite u have to eat it one bite at a time.Hope this helps.
    I am a firm believer in action.I do believe in prayer don’t get me wrong but I am a firm believer in faith with action.lol

  • Shabanah

    January 18, 2015

    Ana its funny im about to go to sleep and you’re just waking for Fajr. Have a blessed day. Love you too. Allah Bless.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    @Marie &Shabanah

    Hey there. It’s Fajr time for me in a few minutes so I just made some tea and just checking in. I’ll make dua for everyone. Love you much!

  • Marie

    January 18, 2015

    hey shabanah, one thing I really like about you is that you look at yourself before you point fingers at others, its a good quality to have I think. so your husband does/gives tariqa, there was once a brother at the masjid who did that, he was visiting and people couldn’t wait to get a tariqa. my husband was there but didn’t feel inclined to talk with him. when he came back and told me we agreed it sounded a bit mystical, maybe we didn’t understand properly. I have the opinion that Allah has given us loads of dua in the Quran, so ill just stick to them. there’s also a father and son who are direct decedents of the prophet, who attend and teach at our masjid. I never felt inclined to go for a meet and greet, but I thought it was kinda cool. I sit and talk with the wife of the son, she was so humble. its what I like about the masjid I attend, no one person really runs it, there’s many knowledgeable men and women there, from all over the world. well, its actually a charitable organisation, there is a masjid upstairs. and they usually teach obligatory knowledge to new Muslims or those that don’t know how to pray, fast, make legal contracts and transaction, have no or the wrong belief ect.

    about asking other Muslims to pray for them, I want all the Muslims to pray for me. as Ana said, I need all the prayers I can get.

    well I think its time for a coffee.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2015

    @Marie,

    The smilie your hubz laughed at was one I thought was the funniest.

    @Shabanah,

    It’s all probably just cultural as Gail said. You love your hubz, so just go with the flow. Exercise patience, persevere, pray and continue to be tolerant. It’s all good! 🙂

  • Shabanah

    January 17, 2015

    Gail
    Pakistanis are very prejudice. All their magazines and billboards all have white Pakistanis or pathans advertising. Ive never seen even a caramel colored person advertising or being showcased but I know for a fact my hubs isint. Many of his followers are african american. Im the lightest out of all my siblings. Im african american and asian not puerto rican. My great great grandpapi was Asian on my mothers side. Pakistanis do adore the snow WHITES in the world but I think they admire the “American” titke more then they care about the skin color.

  • Gail

    January 17, 2015

    Also I wanted to say that more than Shabanah’s husband she might notice this more with her cowives or with others.Husbands don’t normally make a big deal about skin color but on the flip side my own brother inlaw told me with his wife if I did not like her he would divorce her right on the spot and she was American.He said it to me and she was standing there.She tried to come in between a fight between my brother inlaw and myself and when she came toward me he pushed her hard back and flat told her to get out she got shock because I was the one fighting with him.I wanted to leave Pakistan and he was begging me to stay and he was angry because he could not talk me into it.Needless to say those two r now divorced.

  • Shabanah

    January 17, 2015

    I hate to say anyone is jealous of me but that just may be my sec co’s problem with me. Im young, fit sexy, confident i dont let her bull affect me most of the time. I kill her with kindness. I have two beautiful boys by him and hubs is very involved with them and always says they’re special. I heard it wasnt that way with her kids she wasnt motherly and they used to cry nonstop and hubs hated it.
    Gail that is such a sweet story. Made my heart melt.
    Marie my hubs and I do talk Islam and he tells me stories. I guess she has that special spark bc she’s been doing that for years b4 i came sec co got furious once when hubs told me to record instead of her and broadcasted how good I was at it i never tried again bc i felt bad for her. I stay out of her way now

  • Gail

    January 17, 2015

    Ana,
    I was talking to Mari.

    Listen here is the thing I believe could very well be going on in Shabanah’s case.
    I think number one she is young and he is older they r two totally different animals meaning shabanah has young ideas and needs to enjoy her life in a different way than her older husband and cowives.
    I hate to say this but Pakistani men that live in Pakistan do not put their wives desires on the top of their list.The wife will feel like she is way down on his list of priorities.They r not taught to give that special one on one time and attention to their wife that is a western concept not global concept.We here in USA Shabanah included have grown up with the wine and dine and romance concept.At first Pakistani men r very very very good the best I have ever seen to be frank to wine and dine.Now in saying that when they wine and dine they are doing so for a reason not to actually find favor with the lady or wife.There is motivation behind it from what I have ever saw in my case it was greencard(as it would be in most foreign woman’s cases i imagine)I don’t think in Shabanah’s case her husband needed her for greencard since they r living in Pakistan and not USA but only Shabanah knows the reality of her own situation.
    I honestly think in her case it is just culture he is an older middle aged self absorbed Pakistani man.
    I will say this and I do not mean any disrespect at all but one thing that is singing loud and clear to me is that Shabanah mentioned she is African American and Puerto Rican.Now normally that means nothing in USA and most of the free world but in Pakistan it means alot.Your value is based on your skin color alottt from what I have witnessed.If u don’t believe me go on any marriage matching site and every dang one of them will have skin color wheatish.Not light brown or dark brown or black but wheatish(meaning light skin).Then u have others flat saying on there they want a light skin girl.I figured out because they showed me off like their prize pig because of my white skin.It really angered me alot my first years of marriage.Also Shabanah may know this that nation of woman bathe in Fair and Lovely cosmetics.LOL
    Now in saying all this it is very possible in my opinion that Shabanah is devalued because of the color of her skin to be frank.Do I think it is the total issue NO but I think it could play a part on some level esp if her husband is not needing her for a greencard.
    It is also possible Shabanah has not run into this weirdness I am talking about with the skin color.It was a serious problem for me and I was put on a pedal stool because of my skin color and my half black and white sister inlaw was talked about behind her back like she was filthy pig by the family and neighbors.They said right on her face that I was soo beautiful and all the woman came to me chatting wanting to touch my hair and skin like I was some celebrity.I asked my husband What the crap and he said they have never seen a white woman in real so it is new for them.This was not a one time thing it happened more times than I could count to be honest.

  • Shabanah

    January 17, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum ladies. Im trying to scroll through all your messages and answer all of your questions. Sec co is in contact with many from the states and she goes to our hub with their problems and he fixes them. He gives duas (prayers) for people in emergent situations for example women giving birth but the baby decides not to come out and the docs want to revert to a section and also ppl with psychological issues etc. Gail the descendants really do have something special once I had a major toothache and my hubs read an Ayah of Holy Quran over me and it stopped completely I was in terrible pain before. He without a doubt is a descendant of our Holy Prophet pbuh yet he is still an imperfect human. Only our Prophet pbuh was perfect. He does spend a lot more time with sec co bc she shows more intrest in his work. Thats her department says. Mines is looking after the house. I guess it was me that needed changing. I needed to remember my Allah more than I was and I thank you ana for the constant reminders. Ever since I have I have sliwly realized change. I get my groove on about twice a week now 🙂 lol thats enough for me. Im starting to think the problem was within me this entire time not my hubs not my sec co. But bc i was not right with my Lord.
    Ana first wife does her own thing comes n goes when she wants sec co and I spend most of our time around hubs. We dont keave the house without his permission. When hub married me he said he needed help with his work ect. I was raised to drop everything and never say no. So I kind of kne hat i was getting into but at the time i guess i didnt think it thru. I said no at first Allah knows my intentions and inshaAllah He will reward me for them. I’ll try answer more questions in a bit. I have to pray Fajr

  • Marie

    January 17, 2015

    Ana, agree with all you said, I had forgotten some details, it very sad indeed.

    I like it when you piece it all together, like you did with jenny on the other thread. It all makes sense, toy have a knack for it.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2015

    @Marie,

    I see Shabanah as you do. I think she has a high emam.

    It could very well be as you said, the second takes an interest in her husband as a person. She stokes his ego. It’s not necessarily that the second is close to Allah. If second was close to Allah she’d have love in her heart for Shabanah; she would take Shabanah under her wings and take care of her.

    I have love in my heart for so called sisters-in-faith whom I don’t even know up close and personal only to have them kicked me in the @$$. Allah says we love them and they love us not. How could second wife not love Shabanah and the first wife who all live under the same roof and are co-wives, sister-in-faith, married to a quote and unquote – sheik? Something is wrong with that picture.

    I think the husband and the second see Shabanah as beneath them. Shabanah said she is African American and Asian, which equates in people’s minds as straight up black. People from way back in the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) time saw black people as inferior. He didn’t like it and stepped to the people about it. Gail and others here on this blog have said white is superior to even Pakistani. Many people all over the globe still thinks white is superior to black people although Allah says the most one who is best is the one who is most righteous.

    What’s the saying? “If you’re white you’re right; if you’re black get back; if you’re brown stick around”? They’ve got Shabanah up there working like she’s a slave. They’ve got her acting as the maid, cleaning up behind second and the husband after they’ve got down with the get down in the marital bed. What kind of nonsense is that? Let’s call it what it really is? For me, it’s been adding up… The second makes Shabanah feel like trash. How sad is it?

  • Marie

    January 17, 2015

    @Ana. I agree shabanas co wants nothing to do with her. I think the reason her husband gravitated towards to co is because she shows interest in his personal life, of helping with the videos and books. As you said if she was that into her religion she would show kindness to shabanah. I think co-wife would benefit from talking to and having a relationship with shabanah as she (shabanah) appears to practice her religion and I think she has a high iman.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2015

    There are people who are learned to be seen by men as learned people.

    Shabanah’s husband should know enough that a need for sex is important for a man and a woman. It’s a basic human need. He’d be excused from his obligation, if he was impotent and just can’t rise to the occasion. It doesn’t seem to be his problem though.

    How could he say a basic human need is petty. He’s fulfilling the second wife’s needs. He has no problem getting it on with her. Shabanah knows when they’re doing it, as the door is closed. One doesn’t have to be a learned man to know sex is a human basic need. There is something else going on there that doesn’t meet the eye.

    @Shabanah,

    What reason did your husband give you and your family for marrying you? Did he seek out a needy family and you fit the bill? I think you did mention something to that effect in a previous post. If so, your husband may feel he has done you a favor by taking you in, putting a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your mouth. If so, he may think he has fulfilled his obligations to you Maybe he gives you sex once or twice every few months or so. Is it enough You say no. He apparently thinks it is. I dont’ think it is when you as his very young wife needs and wants sex, a basic human need.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2015

    @Gail,

    Hey you. Was your last post directed to Mari2 or Marie. I think you were addressing Marie.

    @Marie,

    You made some very interesting points. A husband who is closer to Allah will gravitate towards the wife who is closer to Allah. It was the case with our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Aishah (one of the wives of our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) wasn’t his favorite because she was the youngest, despite what some may believe. She was his favorite because she was more learned about Islam. My understanding is that when he passed away she continued to spread the word of Islam through teaching.

    I think you are correct that Shabanah said he spend a lot of time with the wife whom he married second because she helps him with his work. I, however, get the feeling and impression from Shabanah that he and the second excludes her intentionally, not because of her lack of interest in Islam, but for some other reason. What’s the reason

    You asked a very good question, do they sit down and study with her. I could see if the second sat down with Shabanah and studies with her or they all studies as a family. They don’t even have to sit down and study, but just be a family with singleness of purpose – to serve Allah. They learn by just being in one another company.

    It doesn’t sound the second wants any part of Shabanah. If she was a good person and wanted good for her sister-in-faith, she’d act better towards Shabanah, especially being that they are all under one roof.

    @Shabanah, what type of interaction do you have with your husband and the second wife. Are you all together in the house as a family or does first wife stay in her quarters, you in yours and the second and husband in theirs?

  • Marie

    January 17, 2015

    @Ana,
    I like all the smilys, sometimes I show them to the hubz, I showed him the “f you @ss hole” one, he thought it was funny.
    I belive shabanahs husband is knowledgeable but like I said just because one has knowledge doesn’t mean Allah allows them to act on it. it may be that shabanahs husband overlooks shabanahs rights and sees them as her “wants” and as shabanah said he sees it as petty or her acting jealous, even if that were the case(which its not) he still owes them until shabanah give them up as the first woman her married did (I think).

    Shabanah do you sit with study islam with your husband, does he engage with you on matters of the deen. im thinking your husband favours the woman he married second because she shows a lot of intrest in his books and videos (I think you said she videos him and writes down what he says). you said the 1st wife was horrible to her in the beginning, do you think she latched on to you husband in this way to have more of his attention and time. your husband may view this time (spent with second passing on his knowledge) as dawah, rather than husband, wife time.

  • Gail

    January 17, 2015

    Mari,
    My husband is also a Syed and descendant of the Prophet Muhammad and I am here to tell u that means nothing he is still a man and makes horrible choices and drives me 9 kinds of nuts.I get shocked because people in Pakistan will come to our home and ask my family to pray for them.I asked my husband why don’t they just pray for themselves and he even laughed and said they think we have direct phone line to the white house.I just shook my head but I will say this my husband does believe it and I will say this I did have one experience with this weird strange thing.When hubby and I married I told him I needed to go get on fertility drugs because I can’t have a baby without it because I only had one ovary and it was not good either it had some surgery done on it and my right ovary was taken when i was 27 do to PCOS.I go to the doc and she tells me to wait until my next period then she will start me on 100mg of clomid and see if we have luck.I go home but i never start my period.I tell hubby I am spotting but not starting my period i need to go to the doc because now my freaking periods r messing up and I am only spotting.He then puts his head on my stomach and starts talking to my stomach saying how r u my son I am your dad.I looked at him very strange and said r u MAD I am not pregnant yet take me to the doctor.He says no need my son is coming.I start getting angry thinking he is playing some kind of sick game with me.I go to the doc and sure enough she does an ultrasound and she confirms the very same day I am pregnant.Needless to say I had a son.His name is Syed Adam. But I still say my husband is just a man and he has done enough crazy nutty stuff in his life to not loose track of that.I also find it really strange people come to the family asking them to pray for them when they can do themselves.I can however understanding my husband praying for us to have a child I find that very sweet.Something I will always remember.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2015

    Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I am so happy to hear your spirit is high and you realize what was happening with you. No, our husbands aren’t mind readers; although we would like them to be. The sooner we realize they aren’t the better off we are.

    About the kleenex left in the washing machine, I think we’ve all at some time or another have had such an incident occur in our lives as women doing laundry. It’s enough to anger even a non-pregnant woman. I’m trying to not act like Ms. Smiley anymore LOL I’m trying to compose myself 🙂

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2015

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I am glad you mentioned what you did about the brother’s take on Shabanah’s situation. I disagree with the brother’s take, the same as you do.

    First, nowhere in the Holy Quran does Allah say that anyone who descended from the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is special, has any special gifts, has special powers or should be honored. Allah tells us that He raised all of His Prophets to honor and the only descendants of Prophets that are special and raised to honor are men whom Allah made Prophets. Shabanah’s husband is not a prophet. For people to say someone who directly descended from the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is special and knowledgeable just because of his lineage is WRONG. It’s an innovation. It’s something people have concocted. It is an outright sin.

    People should judge Shabanah’s husband and any and all people based on what Allah says in the Holy Quran. Allah tells us to judge people based on what is in the Holy Quran. The Holy Quran is our criterion. Allah says the most righteous is the one who is honorable in His sight. He didn’t say the one who directly descended from the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is honorable.

    Shabanah’s husband has a wife whom he married first who is apparently jaded, bitter, and angry to the point she gave up her rights in the marriage. She remains in the marriage probably because she sees some honor in it. Furthermore, from what we know of Pakistani culture, divorce is taboo, so I doubt she’d seek one of those. Pakistani people and their culture don’t consider Allah permits divorce.

    The wife whom her husband married second and is his favorite wife is not a nice person. She knows her husband doesn’t give her co-wife Shabanah her rights that she’s due in a marriage, yet she doesn’t make an effort to right the wrong. Perhaps she doesn’t attempt to right the wrong out of selfishness. She’s greedy.

    Shabanah’s husband married Shabanah when Shabanah was a teenage and he was a much older man. He married a very young woman knowing young people have high libido/sex drive, yet he does nothing to try to satisfy his very young wife. He has his wife working with the maid and has reduced Shabanah to the status of a maid. Shabanah is fearful of leaving her husband as she thinks she will be viewed as an outcast for leaving her husband who she views as a sort of king, as I see it. It’s all oppression, as I see it. It’s all wrong. Allah says oppression is worse than slaughter.

    If Shabanah’s husband is all of what people make him out to be, as in special, why does he not have a family like that of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who had the “Mothers of the Believers”? If her husband is such a LEARNED MAN and special, why does he not give Shabanah her rights? Why is the first wife so unhappy? Why does he cater to the second wife who is not nice?

    Allah allow people who are good to do good. He does not allow people who are NOT good to do good. People do whatever they do only by the will of Allah.

    Just because someone has a title of Sheik or Imam does not make the person a “Learned Person.” It does not make a person special. It appears Shabanah’s husband likes to be praised for what he has not done. All praise is due to Allah, which is why we say Alhumdulliah.

  • Marie

    January 17, 2015

    asalamu alakum all.

    This is a great post, and made me realize im not actually depressed, im just pregnant, hormonal, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. alhamdulliah, the sickness is wearing off and im finally able to eat and drink. yaaaay. I had an incident where one of my children left tissue in their pocket which went in the washing machine and covered everything in fluff, I was sooooo upset and realized that has nothing to do with polygamy and everything to do with lack of nutrients and a huge dose of hormones.

    the problem I had with me and hubz not talking as much is fixed, apparently he thought I was too tired to talk, and thought it better to leave me be, so it was just a miss communication or lack of on my part. I forgot hubz isn’t a mind reader lol.

    @shabanah. I can now understand exactly where you’re coming from, when you say you cant talk to anyone because they hold you’re husband in such a high position. I mentioned you’re situation to a brother, at first he said he needs to learn more of the religion and taqwa to prevent him from being unfair. I purposely didn’t mention (till the end) who you’re husband was, then the whole advise changed and he could only say that he is a learned man and must know what he is doing and sometimes women moan when they have no reason to moan. I was gob smacked, I thought really, without even knowing someone, because they are a descendent of the prophet you come to the conclusion that the problem is with the woman. I disagreed and said you can have knowledge and still get things wrong, but they insisted that the family is wayyyy knowledgeable. I left it at that.

    ok so I had loads to say, but it appears Allah has caused me to forget.
    Insha’Allah ill remember and post again

    chow for now lovely ladies

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2015

    Shabanah,

    Just thank Allah swt much that you are not like the second co. Each time you hit the prayer rug thank Him.

    All wives who become a part of a polygamous marriage go through a thing and may act out in inappropriate ways. What matters most is whether the wife snaps out of it and comes to her senses (get in touch with her spirituality – Islam – Allah) sooner than later, and moves forward in doing good. If a wife remains in the ugly mode for a very long time, she’s got serious issues with her heart (soul). We should always be in a state of moving forward and becoming better people all the time.

    You’ve been doing way good in ignoring her. You woke me up a bit when you stepped to me about it. I hold onto the ayat in Quran in which Allah says ignore ignorance and not to heed the annoyances of the unbelievers. I have to remember; Allah takes care of all thing. He is a disposer of our affairs. He wrote the script. I bring it to memory every time I think of those who try to harm me. Allah protects me. He says those who annoy believing men and women undeservedly brings on themselves a serious sin. I know Allah’s wrath is severe. We don’t have to do anything; Allah takes care of it.

    Shabanah, the second co is not harming you, she’s ruining her own soul. You seem to being doing way good in exercising tolerance. You wonder how humans can knowingly cause another so much pain. It’s because they are in pain. They suffer deeply, and want others to hurt the way they do. Allah says there are certain people who cannot do any good. They just can’t. Those are the people He specifically created for the Fire. Just thank Allah much that He allows you to do good. It’s a reminder to me too. I write to remind myself, as well.

  • Shabanah

    January 16, 2015

    Gail Lol you have me cracking up over here. 5 times a week haahahahaa. I would be on cloud 9 at all times if that was the case. I kind of put my own desires on the back burner in my marriage it seems I dont know I have to make a change I cant continue on like this. Thank you thank you for your sound advice. I’ll try my best to follow it. It’s so hard with children involved. Every decision affects them in one way or another.
    My sec co I simply do not like her at all but I dont show it. Not anymore. Before I couldn’t stand being in the same room as her but I learned tolerance. I dont understand how any human being can cause another this much pain knowingly. My first co did treat her like crap when the hubs married the sec but why continue the selfishness, the hatred? I don’t understand it.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    Alhumdulliah, I’m glad you’re feeling better. I didn’t think there was any human you could call on for help, since your husband holds the position (sheik/direct descendant of the Prophet (PBUH)) that he does.

    Did you ever reach out to the agency that coco puff advised the ladies here of that is made up of Americans in Pakistan? It may possibly be helpful for you in that you may be able to meet up with some young ladies your own age, and do fun meaningful things with. As Gail stated, you’re going to have to find your own halal fun. You could do fun things with your kids now, but, due to their ages right now, you’re a bit limited. As they grow older, Insha Allah, you will be able to do more active things with them that you and they will enjoy.

    We are here for you whenever you want to let off some steam and talk about it. I’d advise you not to let your husband know you talk with us or if you’ve already let him know be cautious of what you share with him about it. You don’t want him to forbid you to speak with us. I think you need the blog as an outlet. It’s apparent Allah sent you here, as you are here with us. We enjoy having you here – youngen LOL You’re our sunshine…

  • Gail

    January 16, 2015

    Shabanah,

    I read your post and I will give u my take on your situation.
    I think alot of u feeling down has to do with your age.U are young wife and mother and you live in a foreign country and had to adapt to a different culture etc..
    I know when I was young I was depressed all the time because I was not happy with my life and I really didn’t have a clue that time what would fix it or make me happy.
    I will tell u from my own experience number 1 even as depressed as u feel at times keep your children first on your list.Don’t emotionally or physically abandon them at any time which I am sure u already know this as I feel u r a great mom.
    Second get inside your own head and figure out what u need that is going to make u happy.This only goes for u not everyone else.I have this feeling u do things like most woman because u want people to see u a certain way or u like the praise which is perfectly normal but where it becomes a problem is when u start to feed of the praise and have to have it in order to feel happy(when praise becomes your food and energy understand?) Don’t let your husbands praise or lack of it determine your mood understand?
    What I was saying about getting inside your head and figuring out what might make u happy and satisfied so that u can be happy.Now for this u have to be real with yourself and ask alot of hard questions.
    U start out asking yourself a very basic question like am I happy with my life?If u answer no then ask your self why u r not happy with your life.Obviously u know the reason u r not happy and it could be as simple as u r bored out of your mind toooo u really hate being ignored in your marriage understand?U just keep going and asking yourself all these questions until u pinpoint your exact issues.Sometimes it will be just one main issue or it can be several.Only u have the answer to your particular problem.
    I can only guess at your problem but my guess would be u married an older man and have older cowives than yourself your world is made up of freaking much older people with a totally different agenda than u have and that is perfectly normal and ok.
    Obviously when u r in your 20s u can not be on the same mental level as someone in there 40s and 50s because u have not lived as much life as they have.Someone in their 20s wants to go out and has hell alot of energy compared to older people.
    Older people r totally cool with just maxing and relaxing.Believe me as u get older everything changes.Example my kids love to go skating and when I was there age I loved it as much as they do but now that I am in my 40s all I can do is sit and watch because one I have no ambition to get on 4 wheels and bust my A$$ or end up in emergency.So now I sit on the side and watch my kids and am happy to do that.
    Now here is the plus for u when it comes to u having kids young.U get to actually skate with them and do all the fun things and that is a blessing and I suggest u take advantage on that side.Do parties for your kids make your kids life amazing and get right in there with them.
    Now on your personal side I suggest to u unless u want a divorce and do not have desire to work on the marriage I suggest to u to use your being young as an advantage to some degree.First talk figure out what u exactly want from your hubby and then u go tell him.For example if u need sex 5 times a week then u flat tell him straight u need it.If he flat refuses your wishes then u will have to resort to the next step understand until if he resist everything then u know u will be needing to make a trip to the hardware store for ropes and find some small rubber balls and duct tape so u can Rape him.lol Bottom line u have to be bold and tell him straight he can do this the easy way or the hard way but either way he is going to comply with your wishes.
    Shabanah listen to me clear unless u get your sexual desires completed u r going to go NUTS and it is only going to get worse not better until u flat end up finding yourself dreaming about other men and eventually having little to no recourse but to act out or flat divorce him.
    Again I am only speculating on your issues only u know the problems.
    I hope this helps.This is the way I solved my own issues over the years.
    I really think if u work on your personal desires to get them meet u will be so much more satisfied.Don’t push your desires down for anyone as long as they r not sinful desires of course and don’t let your halal desires turn into non halal desires.Make your desires known to your hubby whatever they may be.Hope this helps.

  • Shabanah

    January 16, 2015

    Alhumdullilaah im feeling much better. I did some cooking which keeps me grounded. I just get sick of the same ole routine. No one in my family or anyone I know wouldn’t dare step to my husband. Never in a million years. As much pain I endure bc of him, I love him. I tried speaking up many times and got shot down every single time. Im made to feel like some petty child or threatened to go back to the states which is not an option. No one would look at me the same I’d be an outcast. So many would give their lives to be in my shoes if they only knew. I just have to suck it up and beg Allah not for an easier life but for the strength to endure a difficult one. I thank Allah for a beautiful spirited lovely woman like yourself who has created this platform for women in my shoes to come and vent and let off steam. Without this blog im quite sure earlier today I would’ve reacted in a negative way then regretted it later on.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2015

    @Shabanah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you found the post helpful. I kinda think I understand how you feel and why. Life can become mundane after while unless a major change occurs in one’s life, such as what Gail just went through with the move, her older son coming to live with them, and the son, Gail and her husband are in school and studying a vocation.

    Shabanah, you did what you should; you looked at your life and analyzed it. How did you as a wife end up being a “maid” to the second wife and your husband? Did you sign on for it? Was it an agreement you made to marry him. Even if you did agree to it, did you as a 15 or 16 year old at the time of the marriage have the maturity and understanding to do such a thing?

    If you feel strong enough about what is happening, that it is wrong and your husband isn’t physically abusive to you, you should speak to him and let him know that you are no abd (slave). You are an equal to his other wives. He should know this being the sheik you say he is. He should act the part.

    Second wife should be cleaning her own room that she predominately shares with your husband. She should do work the same as you. You and she are equals. Your family has a “maid”. Since when is the employer supposed to help the “maid”? It’s bull crap. They are taking advantage of you. It’s probably why your husband hasn’t been giving you your rights. He doesn’t see you as a respectable part of the marriage – a wife.

    You must have family or friends who arranged your marriage. Can’t you speak to a male in your family and let him know what they have subjected you to? You may not be very successful in getting their help, if they see your husband as larger than life because he supposedly is a direct descendant of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). To some people it really matters. I suppose you have a feel as to what I think about it. Regardless, he needs to start acting the part.

    You may not get any help from any human. Allah, however, knows and sees all things. You sound to know what time it is (know about your religion – way of life – Islam). Keep doing your part. worship Allah as He instructs us, turn to Him in prayer, seek His help and guidance and patiently persevere for the promise of Allah is true. Insha Allah, He’ll make a change for you or give you a way out.

    Do step up though and voice your concerns to your husband and seek help of your family, if you need to. I’m not liking the second wife at all Your husband doesn’t recognize the blessing He has in you.

  • Shabanah

    January 16, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum Ana. As usual, your posts come at the perfect time. Today, I awoke feeling blue. Just sad thinking of what my life has come to. Each day I awake to doing the same things. Cooking breakfast, homeschooling my eldest son until his school reopens then cleaning the house from top to bottom with the maid. Including my husband’s bedroom I rarely sleep in. Folding my second co’s blankets, setting the bed for them day after day because she never does. Im an organized neat freak. Several times I didn’t clean his room and no one cared it remained filthy. As I sit here feeling down, tears dropping I try to think of all the good in my life that Allah has given me. Im pulling myself back up. Last night, I was tearing up. My almost 6 year old son said mama do you remember that day you were crying because his Abu was shouting at me? He just asked me out of the blue. It happened a few years back. He was about 3 bc I remember holding him in my arms. Children remember everything they see and hear. I think that my anxiety rooted from that entire conversation.